Eulogy

When Mama chose you from a bunch of kittens, she said she chose it because you were the most appealing. Because your tail was long. The others had short tails. Because we were so into animals at that time, we knew short tail is considered a defect in the cats world. Mama told me they found you in the basket of onions, sleeping. At that time you were only 3 months old. You were still breastfeeding, that was what Mama told me. Then you were brought to our house in Shah Alam and it was the first time we met, remember? I was the 9 year old kid, with messy hair and ugly pants. Mumu was only 6 at that time. I was super excited, I can't lie. God knows how much I love animals those days. We had one cat already that time. But we refused to settle with only one. So it was you who we picked to adopt.

Then, everyone was so excited to name you. I picked Dino. Random, I know. But apparently Abah was against the idea because the uncle living next to us had Dino as his nickname. So I wanted it to be Zelda, but they say it was too feminine. Aishah, being so creative, wanted to name you Shino. For some reasons. Eventually, Narn who was not even fond of you in the first place gave us the name Didie. So Didie it was.

Remember that night when you were crying (okay fine, meowing) because you had to sleep in the cage? And it was already late at night. Mama and Abah were out going to a dinner function. So that left me and Mumu to take care of you. I swear I felt so sorry and worried because I know you might be missing your mom. We tried giving you milk and cat food but you won't eat. God knows how much I worry for you on that night. So me and Mumu went downstairs because we couldn't help to hear you cry, we brought you up to our room and we slept together. Remember how we patted you until you sleep? And that was the first time I saw your habit, you love playing your front paws with an odd way when you wanna sleep. That habit, you kept it with you until the end of your life :')

And you had the front seat ride back to our house in Kuantan with Uncle Mohan, remember that? Uncle Mohan told us you were asleep all the way. That lessen my worry, do you know that? I thought you would have motion sickness, silly me. In Kuantan, you loved our old house. You had so many cool friends in the neighbourhood. You remember Garfield, our neighbour's cat? He was your best friend. When you were still a kitten, I made sure I checked your litter box and food and drinks before I go to school. And when you started to come back late at night, with grasses stuck to your thick fur, we all knew that you were mature enough to start mating. It took us long enough to realise that you already had offsprings with our neighbours cats. But because you were too wild, the doctor advised us to castrate you and so we did. After that you became so much tamer and homeward bound. And it was safer for your health too :)

As time goes by, we grew so much closer. When I watch the telly, you would take a nap on my tummy. When Mama and me went out gardening, you followed too. We bought so many toys for you to play with. We even bought collar with bells for you to wear. You wore the blue collar with bells until you grew out of it. I bought a new silver one for you after that but I never made you wear it because I like you better without the collar.

But as I grow older, my interest in animals waned. When I stopped riding horses, I stopped having the passion for animals anymore. I didn't want to be a vet anymore. And I admit that I wasn't that much interested in you as much as I did when I was small. True, we fed you, we cleaned you, but I didn't play that much with you. And whenever you sneak into my room, I would chase you away. Whenever you scratch the furniture, I would scold you. Whenever you came back from God knows where, you had dirt all over you, I yelled because I was very lazy to clean the fur. I'm sorry I did that to you. I'm sorry I never really get to apologise.

Lately, I swear I had you in my dreams. And when I was told, you passed, I was shocked but I couldn't cry.

But I cry now, Didie. 9 years with us was a long time. You were there when I get upset, when I was hospitalized, when we moved into another state, when we had arguments, when the family grew bigger, you were always there. 9 years with you in our family meant a lot. 9 years was way longer than the relationship I was in. You were my best friend, and will always be. You were my ultimate boy friend I didn't break up with.

I will always miss you. And I am sorry I didn't get to see you for the last time. Sorry I am far away from home. Sorry that I wasn't there when you were sick. That I didn't get to say goodbye.

Rest In Peace, Didie. You were just a feline but I love you very much.


2002-2011

Masrur

When I was in INTEC I sent my name without any partner as my room mate. Why? a) because I don't bother finding myself a partner since everyone in my class had one already and b)because living alone allows me to focus on myself and c) I'm just a lone ranger like that; of which I don't really care at all. But when I first arrived, I knew after all that the Persatuan won't let a freshie live alone by herself for safety reasons, which I completely understands. So I got paired up with an awesome roomie, who happened to be an Islamic Economics student of a different university. We got paired up very randomly but hell yeah, we rock babeyh. Which is a good thing after all.

Adapting. That's the key to the whole situation.

For me I say, one of the ways to adapting is to get involved. Get yourself involved in the community. When I was in high school, I didn't like all those things. I only participate the things that I am good (or so they assumed) in. Of which always revolves around me, myself and only I. Yes, my comfort zone. And when I left school I realize what a waste I just missed out on. To get involved and be active in school was a bonus and I envy all those people who has these extra values. So I was determined to be active once I got here.

When everyone else was busy packing their backpacks, styling their sunnies, taking photos in front of the monastery and patting sunblock on their faces; friends and I was in town searching for old newspapers, knives and chopping boards to be used for Qorban activity purposes. Definitely I was jealous of them who get to tour around the country and get to post new Facebook statuses or check-ins into different places every five minutes, but I did not regret having to stay in town because I know for now that it was all worth while.

We worked like crazy for three days, back to back. imagine 6 cows and 21 lambs (or goats? or maybe kibas?) within three days. No doubt it was tiring and physically demanding - wait yes! You read it right - PHYSICALLY DEMANDING. But it was a sweet and lovely experience. It has been a long time since I worked in a team and I have forgotten how satisfying it feels like when all the job was done and people actually APPRECIATE you for working hard. But most importantly, all those days we worked on, it was all for the benefits of the Malaysian community. Each of the grams of the Qorban meat has our shares of pahala in it. Ensha2allah..

I don't write this for you to be impressed, but I was proud of myself and to hell with you.

And I was glad I stayed in town during the holidays because I get to spend a little of my time with a good friend back when I was still young and innocent. Trust me I was so damn happy to see you, I couldn't believe you were here, babe. Who in a million years would have thought you would carve a central incisor on my bed? Who would have thought we could talk all night long about our own experiences on the foreign land? And I never thought that we could celebrate our Eid together! It was good to see an old friend. I hope you liked Jordan. See you in Cairo next time okay? I miss you already :')

p/s : "Surgeons can't afford to be lazy" - Grey's Anatomy

Care Bear

It has been a while hasn't it?

I've always wanted to pour my heart's content into my writings. But probably it is not easy as it sounds. For me to be transparent to a person is hard enough, let alone telling my deepest darkest secrets for people to read. But yesterday I found my way back to writing manually (as in with pen,ink and papers) after leaving that method for several years. And I have to admit I missed the feeling of relief after being totally honest in my writings. And I can't believe how I have forgotten the feeling of it. The feeling was as though meeting an old friend whom you have been searching for a long time. Relieved. Just relieved. And glad. Probably all this while, I have been keeping stuffs bottled up inside and it has not do me any good.

You know just because you are not that type of person who tells your anxieties, fears and problems to people, doesn't mean you have to keep it to yourself. Perhaps you can find a way to channel your feelings too.

ANYWAY

Exam was over.

Since I was a child, I wasn't trained to care about my grades. I mean, as long as I don't fail anything and do good in school, I'm happy and that's just it. I never really cared not being in the top of the class. And honestly speaking I never really worked THAT hard towards what I've achieved thus far (not that many to brag about though). Doesn't mean that I don't have the effort at all. But just not that much, I suppose. The A's I obtained didn't REALLY (read: really) matter to me. As long as I am good enough.

So when I clicked the "proceed" button after answering Biology a week ago, I was quite disappointed in myself because I didn't achieve that target I set. But anyways I went home and thought it was fine. Which it really was. But I just can't get my mind out of the fact that I didn't do good enough this time. During the first lecture after the exam, the professor congratulated everyone who did well in the exam and gave motivations yadda yadda to the ones who didn't do quite well. Then, he called upon everyone who passed his so-called "bench mark" for the first exam. At most 20 names among the 200 people in my section. One by one they were called.

Would my name be called too? So that I can shove my paper to my Arab friends in the face. With my marks? Dream on..

Then a Malaysian friend sitting beside me stood up. Her name was called. And the doctor showered them with praises. Just like in school. Of which I think is super cute considering the fact that we were in a huge lecture hall instead of a school classroom.

I hate asking people for their marks because I just don't see the point, but I do that sometimes out of curiosity. So this time, simply out of curiosity, I asked her how much did she get.

It was only a mark difference.

But it made all the difference in the world. And this time, I cared. I really really care. And I have no idea where did this come from.

Bukan berniat untuk berlagak. Tapi semata - mata peringatan untuk diri sendiri. Kadangkala nak lebih kena usaha lebih. Setakat cukup - cukup makan ingat orang pandang? Walaupun perbezaan nya tipis tapi ia tetap BERBEZA. Mungkin boleh kata bukan rezeki saya, tapi kata saja tak boleh buat apa-apa beb.

Yang bulat takkan datang bergolek, yang pipih takkan datang melayang.

Muhasabah diri sendiri *air mata berderai*