Jelly

I'd like to change a lot of things about myself. But i know i can't and it's never good to downgrade yourself like that. Truth is, i downgrade myself a lot. Sometimes i feel sorry for myself bcos i know i shouldnt be feeling that way. I overthink way too much. I should just take a chill pill and accept myself like i accept other people. 

If there's only one thing i'd like to change is not having to care so much about what others had to say about myself. 

I'm very pessimistic. I'm sorry that I need people to tell me i'm okay, to tell me i'm doing great, to continuously giving positive remarks. It's so childish but i never am strong to turn a demotivating situation into a constructive one. 

People may see me like i'm strong, opinionated and shits. Truth is i'm so weak on the inside. 

Parity

I know mom cares for me. I know she's worried that i'm not like my sisters. I know she's concerned that my love life is atypical, unlike my sisters. That at the age of 23, I am still single and messed up when it comes to relationship.

Tell you what, I worry too.

If i can have this body and this health forever, that wouldn't be a problem. If i can have emotional stability forever, I dont care. If my parents will be forever young, i don't mind. But i know things will gradually change and it's human nature to find a partner to cling on and share your life. I know that.

But what I want my mom to know is that, instead of worrying-sick and insisting me to have a steady boyfriend, she should have see myself in a different perspective. I am strong and capable of doing many things at the age of 23yo without a partner. I self-support and independent, while i'm single. I'm graduating with a degree in medical field at the age of 23, with a job waiting for me in malaysia. I basically did everything without depending on anyone on long term.

Instead of focusing on my bad luck in relationships, she should have been proud of other things i've done alone without a partner's help. I've done a lot for myself, and all she ever sees is how shameful that I'm still single.

I know I cant be with a simple-minded, entah pape loser pondan guy. I've tried dating these guys and what my teacher said was true. I should stop settling for losers who doesn't know how to love me when I've given so much to love him. I'm a woman with a vision. I don't need a guy for his money, looks nor career. I'm looking for a guy who challenges me intellectually. Who shares the same interest. Who talks about music, books and movies like i do. Who knows how to have fun with me. Who agrees on gender parity. Who's supportive and constructive at the same time. I can't do a passive-aggressive relationship.

I sure have a lot to ask for, it may seem. But maybe because I'm worth a lot. Therefore I hope people for once could understand that with you pushing me to settle into just any relationship that comes by knocking on my door, is just degrading myself as a woman

Know

Aku tahu aku buat salah. I was at fault. I didn't know how it happened that night, I should hv stepped up. If only you knew it was never my call, I was never the alpha. I knew what I was doing was not right. But I kept on following what was served to me, I followed blindly without voicing out.

But I wish you just let me go this once. I guess this is the first time ever we got into a row like this. And it sucks. I don't like how we're doing right now. And I am in this awkward position not knowing what to do. Putting on too much efforts would only make you serabut. But keeping it quiet will only make this worse. I don't want to explain anymore, I don't want to justify myself. I just want you to forgive and let. it. go.

If this is just how it's gonna be, it's not worth it. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, I know you're trying too. But I'm not an angel, suci dari segala dosa dan tak pernah buat silap. Banyak silap aku. But this one I happened to fuck it up real bad. But please after all these times, i'm asking you to cut me some slack. One. Last. Slack. Before we part ways, before the journey is over. For all I know if I were to head home this way, we will only drift further and further apart. 

Daddy

I woke up to a text yesterday morning. Dad said he credited me some money in my bank acc. I asked him what is this for abah? Assuming that it was for the headstone balance fee I need to pay. He didn't reply that message.

I went alone after clinic to pick up my ATM card from Aramex in balad since I had to make a new one after I got pickpocket-ed in London. I activated the card and withdraw a sum of cash for me to get through this 2 weeks before the next allowance. The balance in my account terrifies me, I've never been this broke before. But then I thought to myself I can still survive, others had it worse. It's okay I won't pay anything extra just this 2 weeks. Heck even buying a packet of cheese pun hesitate gila. Nak bayar for dinner batch 10JD? Gi mam. But, I was being really positive about it. It's okay you can pull this through. Siapa suruh belanja byk sgt during trip haritu. It's money, nanti boleh cari lagi.

I totally forgot about the text abah sent in the morning. Suddenly he replied while I was walking home (too cheapskate for a taxi),

"That's for Adik Hus. You may need duit lebih for final year. Tell me kalau tak cukup." 

I walked home crying, asking God why are people so good to me when I'm so bad to them. It's the first time in a very long time since i ever felt sincerely bersyukur for rezeki Allah bagi. I never told Abah I didn't have enough money. He didn't even know I got pickpocket. I guess it's just how daddies work. They take care of you even when you're no longer a baby.

Nonetheless, I know kebahagiaan and love and affection is not measured with money. At all.

Tests

I have people coming up to me saying things like I've had things easy. I'll always have money when I need it. There's always a way for me to get what I want.

Well, I never really was very offended with those statements. Cause I think it has some truth in it. I've (almost) always get what I want ever since I was a kid. My father is the kind of dad who goes extra mile for eveything we want. Things like getting a scholarship, a job, going into good schools, he got us a driver when i was still in school. And when he got kicked out of DRB Hicom, he drove us around instead. He gave my brother and sisters a car each upon graduation and I even have my own waiting for me. He basically prepares things for us. Not necessarily everything, but yeah none of us had to worry about things like that while we grew up. He always has his ways. 

But daddy is not getting any younger. He can't work that hard anymore. He was diagnosed with glaucoma and he recently lost one of his eyesight. The other eye has only 45% vision. Idk, i can't help imagining the worse case scenario. What if he can't read texts one day? What happen if I can't send him texts like I'm doing now everyday? What happens if he can't read Quran anymore? He loves writing, he writes in his planner everyday. What happens if one day he can't write any longer? He loves to travel. We traveled alot together. What happens if one day he can't see the places we go to? What if what if what if? 

I did a huge favor for him the other day in Cardiff. It was impossible to do at first, but I couldn't help but to not disappoint him. So i managed to order the headstone for late kakak qamariah. He said he was very happy that I did that for him. I am very happy too, I hope he knows. 

And he keeps on texting me that he wants to go see the headstone as soon as it's planted. Which will be in April. And he wants me to go with him. It secretly occurs to me what if he couldn't get to see it. Allahu.. God knows how much I want to go, but I have to get my priorities straight. I can't risk another distraction for finals. 

I've been totally broke these 2 weeks ever since I got back from Europe. It sucks. I admit I had it easy. But not anymore. I too have times when I have to ikat perut and not spend on things I need whatmore want. But it's the price I hv to pay for going on a trip. It's okay I know I will recover from this broke-ness. But all i have in my mind right now is my father. It's that point of life where I realize that I have to learn how to survive independently. My parents won't be here to support me forever. And it breaks every single piece of soul inside me.