I can't

Taff. 3rd year dental student. Palestinian


Organic Chemistry was over and done with, at 12 noon just now. And that being the toughest paper and the "killer" one, has wrapped up the spring semester with style.

A day ago, I was answering my Sociology paper, which is by the way one of the university elective subjects I took. When I was scribbling my answers and writing short essays on Karl Marx, capitalism, theology and whatnot (I just made that sounded really fancy didn't I?), a classmate raised up his paper after 10 minutes of answering. Mind you the allocated time was 2 hours.

"Sorry doctor but I have a plane to catch."

It was his last paper of the semester and people just can't wait a bit to go back home you see. The doctor refused to accept his paper stating that it's finals and his plane can wait. Then Dr. Basem asked him where was he going. He answered,

"Dubai"

Dr. Basem asked him to wait for at least another 15 minutes until he pass up his exam papers. And so he did. Minutes after that, off he went. And Dr.Basem being so cute as always wished him bon voyage.

After an hour or so people began passing up their papers.

This really smart final year nuclear engineering student from Syria rose up from her seat and passed up her papers. Dr. Basem asked,

"You're going back to Damascus?"

She chuckled. "No. I can't"

---------------

Imagine if somebody asks me,

"Are you going back to Kuala Lumpur?"

And I have no choice but to reply, "No I can't"

---------------


Like what they say, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".

I just can't wait to go back home. One more short sem and off I'm back. Even if it only means for a month and a half In ShaAllah. But I still have my country and nation to go back to, nonetheless. And with that I pray that Allah will continue granting the peace and blessings to my homeland. And I pray that people back in Malaysia will never take our land for granted.

You guys just don't know what it feels like out there. Sometimes I could just wish that people open their eyes a little wider and realise that it is THAT hard over there.

I just can't help but to succumb to tears knowing that there is not much that I could do.

Astaghfirullah al'azim
Astaghfirullah al'azim
Astaghfirullah al'azim




In the name of Allah Most Gracious, Most Merciful
O Allah, Gladden the dwellers of the grave
O Allah, Make rich every poor
O Allah, Satisfy every hungry
O Allah, Clothe every naked
O Allah, Pay every debtor's debt
O Allah, Relieve every distressed
O Allah, Return every travellers
O Allah, Free every captive
O Allah, Correct every corruption in the affairs of the muslim
O Allah, Cure every ill
O Allah, Bridge our poverty with Your wealth
O Allah, Change our evil state with Your good state
O Allah, Pay our debts and make us wealthy from poverty
Certainly you have power over all things

Tanya

1. Menunggu dan membuat orang tertunggu
2. Tertanya tanya tanpa diberi kepastian
3. Menanya tapi tiada jawaban
4. Di minta tolong tapi tidak dihargai
5. Di buat baik di balas tahi
6. Berjanji, dimungkiri
7. Berbuat baik, tidak mengenang budi

Antara sifat orang yang kadang kadang aku rasa pelik. Eh dia tak rasa ke macam yang aku rasa bila dia buat macam tu?

Entahlah, mungkin aku je yang terlebih sifat empati. Kalau nak buat sesuatu benda tu mesti pikir consequences dua tiga kali. Pikir akibat dekat orang lain. Putting others before you.

Aku takdelah nak cakap aku ni malaikat.

Cuma, ye lah tertanya tanya. Bila orang tu buat macam tu dia tak rasa apa apa ke?

Sebab kalau aku,
tentu aku dah gelepar.

Quill

Given the space, time and ability to write. I'd write almost everything. Everything that has ever came across my mind. Why? Because to me writing document how I feel and is somewhat therapeutic. I guess everyone needs some "medium" or whatever you call it to channel out our feelings right? Some enjoy painting for instance or some may even like photography, music or reading.

Because sometimes all you wanna do is just to escape for a few moments and simply waft through your own thoughts. Swim in your pool of ideas and embrace all your fantasies. To the extend that won't turn you into a lunatic of course.

If I wasn't to be a dentist; I'd like to teach English at schools in rural areas. Maybe somewhere in the heart of the Borneo rainforests or maybe on a secluded island where people go to school by boats.

I'd pick the latter because I've seen one during a trip to Perhentian.

Waking up early in the morning and listening to the shores giving ways to the ocean waves. The morning sea breeze blowing the coconut trees, diverging the sunlight that hits my bedroom wall. Subtle sea breeze brushes my face when I sit by the window, enjoying a cup of morning coffee.

The beach -- it has a strong influence on me. Growing up in the coastatl side of the Peninsular Malaysia, where weekends always means hitting the beach. That tranquility that you don't get elsewhere.

Oh wait maybe I should be a sea gypsy instead. So that I can dive without the scuba tank and talks to the fish.

I have no idea how I ended up talking about this. I guess this is what happens when you send a coastal girl to the desert.

Oh well. None of these are worth reading anyways..

Hadiah Buat Mama

Di tengah hiruk pikuk pekan kecil berdebu, ditelan dek hal hal duniawi yang bercelaru, sungguh keterlambatan ini tidak dapat dielak. Maka aku berfikir sejenak. Kalau lah kesibukan sekecil ini pun tidak mampu aku luangkan sedikit masa untuk yang tersayang, jadi apa akan berlaku bila aku sudah mula bekerja nanti? Sudah mula berkeluarga dan punyai tanggungjawab yang lebih utama. Bukan sahaja ke atas diri sendiri malah terhadap masyarakat dan negara? Lantas diri sendiri pun beristighfar dan berasa malu.

Semalam, ulangtahun Mama yang ke-51 mengikut tahun Masihi.

Seusai perbualan di telefon yang ringkas pagi semalam, Mama request satu tribute untuknya. Katanya haritu Husna tulis untuk Abah kan? Haha ketawa kecil. Mama ni comel lah :)

Maka ku curahkan di sini.

Di ruangan yang tidak seberapa ini.

------

Waktu dahulu, waktu aku masih kecil. Aku ingat semua orang ada ibu macam Mama. Semua orang punya seorang guru sebagai Mama mereka. Semua Mama baca buku untuk anak-anak mereka sebelum tidur. Semua Mama dalam dunia ni pandai masak macam Mama saya. Dan paling utama saya ingat dulu semua orang ada Mama.

Tapi tak semua orang ada Mama.

Makin saya besar, makin saya kenal dunia. Oh rupanya tak semua orang ada Mama. Maka saya rasa saya mula belajar untuk bersyukur saya ada Mama saya. Sebab kalau Mama saya takde, saya taktahu saya jadi apa sekarang. Saya taktahu saya jadi orang ke tak. Mungkin tak. Saya taktahu saya akan pernah dengar tak cerita Serigala dan Anak Kambing. Saya taktahu saya akan pernah makan tak ikan singgang cicah budu. Mungkin tak. Saya taktahu kalau kalau saya tidak akan berada di sini pun sekarang.

Bersyukur, walaupun Mama saya pun ada kekurangannya. Tapi siapa yang tak ada? Semua orang ada.

Saat ini, adalah saat paling lama saya tak jumpa Mama saya. Kira-kira dalam 8 bulan. Meskipun rindu yang teramat, tapi saya bersyukur sebab saya masih boleh dengar suara Mama saya. Boleh nampak Mama dalam screen laptop saya. Ada kawan saya dah tak boleh jumpa Mama dia. Kenapa? Sebab Mama dia tengah tunggu nak masuk syurga :)

Maka saya belajar untuk bersyukur lagi.

Dulu dulu saya selalu rasa dunia ni tak adil. Kenapa lah tak boleh buat itu, tak boleh buat ini. Kena suruh buat itu, kena suruh buat ini. Tapi. Makin saya besar, makin saya fikir. Macam mana saya nak hidup kalau takde orang yang suruh. Macam mana saya nak buat kalau tak de orang tunjukkan jalan. Jadinya. Saya malu dengan pe'el saya dahulu, buat Mama sakit hati. Saya mohon diampunkan dosa-dosa saya. Saya janji dah tak mahu take Mama for granted.

Sebab saya ada seorang saja Mama.

Sebab Mama saja yang saya ada.

Moga-moga Allah redha dengan kehidupan Mama dan Abah. Moga-moga hidup Mama dan Abah diberkati di dunia mahupun di akhirat kelak. Jangan risau Ma, kakak kan ada di sana. Mesti dia tak sabar nak jumpa Mama. Moga segala ilmu yang Mama curahkan selama 30 tahun menjadi seorang pendidik menjadi saham amalan Mama yang tak pernah putus. Moga amal ibadah Mama dan Abah, Allah terima. Moga segala urusan Mama, Allah permudahkan di dunia dan di akhirat.

Moga moga Mama dapat tengok saya ada pangkat "doktor" di depan nama saya lagi 5 tahun. Moga Mama dapat cerita dekat semua orang yang dia bangga dengan anaknya. Terima kasih Mama untuk segalanya. Sekadar ini yang mampu saya hadiahkan. Sungguh, banyak lagi yang tak termampu saya ucapkan.

Buat Mama,



"There is no one in this world
That can take your place
Oooh I'm sorry for ever taken you for granted


I will use every chance I get
To make you smile
Whenever I'm around you


Now I will to try to love you
Like you love me
Only God knows how much you mean to me"
-Maher Zain, Number One For Me

Selamat Hari Ibu
Selamat Hari Jadi
dan
Selamat Hari Guru




Mama dan Abah di Swansea,1983



Mama dan cucu pertama



Mama dan cucu kedua



Mama dan saya, Eid ul Fitr 2009



Ulangtahun saya ke-17 di asrama



Mama dan saya di depan Kaabah, Umrah 2009





Saya mahu jumpa Mama di syurga nanti. Saya sayang Mama. Saya rindu Mama.

Yours truly,
anakmu di bumi asing.

Bayang

Di malam kelam
ku cari kelibat diri
tertonggeng di setiap penjuru
di setiap dimensi
haram
bayang pun tidak ku temui.

Lalu,
ku bisik pada sang hati
kau sabarlah
kelak kita
jumpa cahaya pagi
adalah bayangmu nanti.

Mahu saja
aku gunting
dan pada jasad hanya ku lekat.
Tapi sabarlah
kita cari
mungkin belum masa lagi.

Jangan gopoh.
Jangan jadi bodoh.

Mana Tahu

"andai yang kau mintakan satu jenis
akan ku berikan kau tiga macam

kerana setiap apa yang dirancang ada ketelitiannya;

satu untuk masa lepasmu--
ada waktu dulu yang kau mimpi2 selalu

satu untuk yang sedang melintasi--
mungkin tiba saat kau melupai

satu lagi untuk masa depan yang tentu--
untung2 aku juga yang kau carikan

mana tahu, kau rindu."

dari sini

Heart Pour

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful

My passions are short-lived. Most of the time. It goes the same with the motivations I sometimes get from words of friends, or by reflecting on my own self. Sometimes it hurts that I had already this determination of a hurricane but then after awhile it subsides. Like drizzles from heavy rain. I need constant reminders to tell me that I need to be strong to maintain what I've gained. And I need to not go back to what I used to be.

But at times I just can't help it.

I'll think about the joys that this Dunya offers and will "consider" going back instead of keep on moving forward. I never asked for more. All I wanted was to not go back, even if it means I have to stay static at where I am, I don't care. I just don't want to even look back and decelerate my efforts. Cause all that few things I've worked out on will be rendered useless. And that is the last thing I want.

But feelings and hearts, those are things we can't deny. Those are things that are fragile and needless to say, they have to be handled with care. Sometimes I let myself get swooned by the fantasies and delusional wishes or whatever in between. And I felt so ashamed moments later. Ashamed towards our Rabb. It's He that we should put hopes on instead of clinging hopes onto His creations. Astaghfirullah.

I've had enough of those.

And all I want right now is to change towards the better and focus on improving myself. Who am I to think about the future because even the present is uncertain. Who am I to plan future if I am failing to execute my present. And who am I to cling on to my past when I can't even cling on to Him.

I pray that I will always remember it's Him that I need to hope on to guide my life so I won't go astray. It's Him that I should always turn to because who knows that there will be a point in my life that I can turn to no one else.

I really hope this time this will have a long term affect on me. Please ya Allah, to You I only beg.

And I thank Allah for granting me people who are always concerned and are there to remind me. Alhamdulilah.. Things are never there without no reason.


I said: "O Messenger of Allah, tell me something about Islam which I could not ask anyone about save you." He answered: "Say: 'I believe in Allah', and then stand firm and steadfast."

Delete

There's always that one point where I wanted to delete this blog and shove it away for once, but I somehow I kept on coming back to it. Clinging on and reading all my old posts. I don't know if I actually can.

Probably not.

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You know when sometimes you're at a low point in your life and everything just seems so uncertain that even crying doesn't resolve anything. Anything at all. I have no idea what went wrong on that day but everything seemed blurry. Maybe it was a kick in the gut. Or a slap in the face. A reminder from above that I shouldn't be anywhere near what I was feeling at that time. That anything could happen in a blink of an eye.

It wasn't anyone's fault. And I refuse to believe that it was mine either. But I guess all I need to do was to pick myself up and start from rock bottom, or so they said.

And I tried. I did try.

Then it felt good. I felt the spirits and determinations. But that is one thing that I was afraid of. That the spirits will make me forget of what I felt. That bucking up myself will delude the grief and fiery determinations. The higher I get up, the further I felt from the moral of the story.

Which made me wonder. What does it takes to keep it at that? What does it takes for me to stay motivated?

Keeping myself at the lowest point of my life? If that is the only way then I think I should.

Finals coming up in a week. Allahu yusahilna.