Friends/Strangers

I scrolled my instagram feed and found myself stopping at hisham's photo idk why. He went to some event with his gf and they were really well dressed up. It got me smirking for a while. Didn't double tap it and move on to the next photo. It's funny because the thought of him just went through my mind recently and i recently read my old convos with him. Yeah wth, dont i hv nothing better to do. Such a shame things between me and him just stalled like that. We could have been good friends. He was fun and also very caring. Somehow a sweet talker and rly makes a good guy friend. Oh well that was 3 years ago (or was it 2?). I've seriously moved on but it's weird how people can turn into strangers in just a blink. We didn't even fight about nothing. For some reasons (now very apparent), we drifted apart. And he took off. Without me. Lol what a pathetic story.

Anyhow.

I was talking to a friend just now. We've made some plans together because we'll be graduating about the same time (of which i am really excited for). And we happened to prolong the conversation, talking about the future like we had a clue. K. Suddenly he asked if i think we would still be friends even if we're much older? When we both are married and have our own lives, will we still be friends like how we used to? Cause let's be realistic he said, guys and girls don't usually remain friends that long especially when we head off to our own paths.

To that i said, "aku kawan lah dgn bini kau. kau pun kawan lah dgn laki aku. nanti weekend boleh double date." Lol.

We went over that flirting phase. He wasn't courting me or anything. It was a legit question. To which kept me thinking, memang betul pun after dah kahwin masing2 ada hidup sendiri. Tak kesah pun laki ke perempuan, we tend to go our own ways. Tak semua kawan kekal sampai mati. And as we get older, we keep our circle tighter and tighter. And i really hope when i get older one day, i would still keep the bond tight with my closest friends.

Anyway I sure got lots of thing planned with my friends and sisters I can't wait to be back for good. But now i have to get this finals over and done with first. Huaaaaa.

           

Shout out to my high school friends who sticks around still

Nota

I had a liqa session with my usrah yesterday. And the topic discussed went right straight through my heart. Kak Jaja did a tafseer on Surah Insyirah. Which is a simple one. Straightforward. Nothing too technical. It's just something to refresh our minds, cause i think most of us had heard about that surah multiple times. But it was uplifting nonetheless. That's the beauty of Quran, they never get old or cliche walaupun ulang banyak2 kali. Tak mcm dengar lagu, ulang byk kali muak kot.

Anyway.

We did like somewhat a gratitude exercise beforehand. We had to write down one thing that we whined or was upset about that day and then jot down how to turn that thing into something positive. As in how would it be if we looked at it as glass half full. Which made me realised i've been whining a lot lately. Not technically whiny, but getting upset over something i couldn't control. Walhal there are a lot more in my life that i have to be thankful for.

I can't help it but get disappointed all the time, by myself, people around me and some things i have no control over. I think it's normal lah right. But what's not is that i am actually so bad at handling frustrations.I tend to get insecure and sensitive over everything lol. Kadang2 benda tak berkaitan pun nak sensitip gak. Takleh lah cemtu kan.

So kenapa aku camtu....aku dah dapat jawapan nya. Sebab selalu sgt tak bersyukur dgn apa aku ada. Selalu sgt expect lebih2. Paling i wanna change is how to not expect too much from myself. If you let yourself down tu perasaan dia lagi dahsyat dari other people letting you down. Alhamdulilah aku bersyukur aku ada tubuh badan sempurna, ada tangan yg sihat utk buat kerja dentist walaupun aku selalu frust kenapa clinical skill aku tak bagus macam orang lain. Alhamdulilah ada brain and akal yg fully functioning walaupun selalu down kenapa takleh study and score mcm orang lain. Alhamdulilah ada family and friends yg i can always rely on walaupun single, takde partner yg boleh bagi moral support mcm orang lain. Alhamdulilah i was born with Islam and Iman.

At the end of the usrah, we were left with a homework to exercise our gratitude towards Allah. We have to write at least 1 thing each day that we are grateful for. So yesterday i was grateful for the liqa. And today i am grateful that me and alia completed our pulpo test walaupun takde comprehensive case.

Alhamdulilah. Thank you Allah for today.

وَاِذۡ تَاَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمۡ لَٮِٕنۡ شَكَرۡتُمۡ لَاَزِيۡدَنَّـكُمۡ​ وَلَٮِٕنۡ كَفَرۡتُمۡ اِنَّ عَذَابِىۡ لَشَدِيۡدٌ‏ 

14:7

Home

40 days to final exam, I know I couldn't afford being lazy anymore. But today I slacked real hard. I woke up really late and couldn't study at all. Someone asked if I was just crying bcos me eyes looked puffy, I said no. But I actually did. The incident pushed my switch again. Hate it when that button got fiddled.

Despite the fact that I find comfort and privacy in this foreign land i call my second home, these places and these faces are getting old. This place is wearing me down each day. I wanna go home. And be where i belong. Where i don't have to worry too much. Where i never get left out. Where i feel safe and secure. Where i don't have to fake it to make it. 

Just 2 months to go. I need to get out of here. 

Soft

I've always believed there's a reason to why I have very bad luck in relationships (so far). Now that I've been single a few months, I figured out that even though I thought I was ready but i was in all for the wrong reasons. I am very ashamed of my past relationships and failures. It's a very touchy subject for me but I don't have issues opening up to people about it. Which is rather weird. Most times though I'll tell it out bcos I don't wanna be vulnerable about it. But deep inside it always hurts.

The fact that i'm taking a break from guys right now and i'm very happy about it makes me feel really good about myself. Explains why i get mad whenever people like my mom, stresses me on finding a partner quickly. Bcos it was so hard to gather all the strengths and tell myself it's okay that i failed yet again, accept the way it turned out and be happy about it. Whenever i got told by someone, i'm irritated bcos i feel as though they're jinxing up what i've been working on.

You see. There are lots of things i need to work on before getting into another relationship. I've always wanted to care for another person and I've always expected for them to care for me in return. But now I realize that I need to take care of myself first before anyone else. 

I wanna be better, for the sake of me. Not for other people. 

First thing i wanna do right now is getting closer to God. Idk but i've always been searching for that spiritual inner peace. I haven't found it yet tbh. I mean i kept on going back and forth, sometimes i feel at ease, sometimes it feels so chaotic inside. Tapi yelah iman pun mmg fitrah dia turun naik. At this particular moment now i feel so far from God. Maybe it's the schedule, maybe it's the lethargy, maybe i'm too busy with worldly matters. I hardly make time to sit and make ibadah with a full heart. Semua buat ala kadar je. I envy people who practices really good Islam and has very good faith in what they believe. Bcos i go back and forth every time, and in between i often feel empty... 

It's really easy to feel empty when you're lonely anyway. 

That's why you have to fill the emptiness with spirituality. Sure i join usrah and everything, i like usrah tbh. But it doesn't touch my heart like it touches other people. Nonetheless im still very thankful that at least i get to learn something from it. Although sometimes i lack the feel and heart. 

But i really wanna keep going and find things that softens my heart one day. Even if it means finding it alone... Inshaallah. Im counting on myself. 

Brave

Apparently I still have a few thousand JDs to work with and think of new projects for the refugees. I haven't got the time to think of anything yet, except for maybe just a simple tauzi3 makanan again. But today Ishak came out with a brilliant idea. He suggested that we sponsor a few individuals with chronic illness that needs monthly supply of medicines, for lets say 3 months... He personally knows some them from his kids in school. I'm really keen on making this work for the benefit in the long run.  

Long run.

Which got me thinking.

How much longer do i even have running over here? I should have been rly active with this long time ago. Why now that I'm going, that I feel somehow attached to the work and people involved in this. The thoughts upsets me in the guts every time I think about it. That i should have done more when i had the time. I should have seek more funds when i had the chance. Soon i'm leaving this behind, and i don't wanna leave with regrets. I wanna do what i can while i can. Although I'm not that attached as compared to those who dedicate their live to this. I can't imagine what it'd be like for people like Ishak, Amir, Musa to leave everything they've built here and go back home one day.

While on the subject, as much as i look forward to graduate and go home for good, I am VERY scared. I am scared to suddenly lose the freedom to choose how i live my life. I am scared of commitments and expectations, i am scared of the real world. I am scared of suddenly losing my comfort zone and privacy. I am scared of not having adequate skills for my profession. I am scared that one day in the future, i will hv the need to stand up for what i think is best for me unlike living alone overseas - you could always choose to live however you want and nobody has anything to say.

Oh well. I guess it's time I be a little bit braver.