Usaha

"Allah kan nilai usaha, kenapa kita nak sedih sedih kalau outcome yang kita expect tu tak macam yang kita nak?"

"Tahu je. But I can't help but feeling frustrated. Tengok orang tu, usaha sikit je tapi dia dapat lebih. Aku usaha bagai nak rak tapi habuk tarak?"

"Hmm. Tu maknanya dia punya rezeki. Tak perlu lah kita persoalkan betul tak?"

"Betul tapi......."

"Tapi apa?"

"Tapi rasa efforts tu useless."

"Sebenarnya yang jadi ukuran tu usaha. Sebenarnya lah. Tapi manusia ni tend to look at the outcomes,  biasalah tu. Tapi cuba kau bayangkan lah kan. Bayang je, kalau tak nak bayang, imagine okay. Imagine. Aku sorak - sorak untuk Harimau Malaya kat stadiung. Lepeh itu, deme pun menang lah. Amboi gembira nya hati. Lepeh itu deme dapek ape? Takde pape pun. Sebab bukan deme yang usaha. Betoi dak?"

"Tak habeh2 dgn antalogi kau."

"Analogi lah mangkuk."

"Ok whatever. Teruskan..."

"Kalau lah enti ni yang jadi atlet bola sepak tu. Pastu menang. Lawan Singapore lak tu kan. Tak ke feeling dia umph gitu? Sebabnya it was your own effort. Kannnnnnnnnnnnnn baq hang. "

Antara contoh perbualan cliche.

-----------------------------------

To be honest I used to have this inability of accepting failure in my life. Especially when I've put efforts into something. But in the process of seeking knowledge, exploring life and whatnot, who could possibly escape failure? It will always always be there lurking in that dark corner. 

Now that I'm approaching 20, I realize that one can have very slight chance not to meet failure along their way top. It's how life works. In a way, you just gotta taste the bitterness of failure once in a while. 

But then again, there is still a fine line between being grateful and being complacent. I've been choosing to be very complacent lately.

"Alah takpelah macam ni pun okay"

"Okay lah tu macam ni. Nak camne lagi"

No, ladies and gentlemen, no. One should never be complacent of where he/she stands. We must all pick ourselves up when we fall and continue our way top. 

It took me long enough to understand the whole concept of efforts and success. It really is okay if it turns futile. As long as we do what we gotta do. What goes along with our efforts is between us and the Almighty. Keep faith in Him. He knows what we know not. All we have to do is have the willpower to just continue striving. Whatever the future holds, it's up to Him.

After all, what do we have to lose? Really, there's none. And He the Most Merciful, always always have His way of making up to you. So, smile, it's not the end of the world :)

Fyi, I'm not talking about academic results because that is so........... kiasu. Oh well what I'm saying is that I'm trying to be good as a person, as a human being. Have a warm heart that embraces the bad side of the others and a heart that won't ever judge. And most importantly is putting my efforts on being a better caliph and a better slave to Him. (read : try) InshaAllah :)

Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Mengapa kamu memperkatakan apa yang kamu tidak melakukannya! [As-Saff : 2]

Let's walk our talk inshaAllah :)

Regrets

Aku cuba untuk hidup tanpa ada penyesalan. Cewah takdelah. Mana boleh hidup takde penyesalan. Keyword dia kau kena sentiasa rasa menyesal tu sebenarnya, so that kau sedar kau dah banyak screw up. Kalau orang kat sini panggil dia "muhasabah" lah. Dan sentiasa istighfar and bertaubat on what we did wrong.

Macam sekarang ni. Selalunya time exam aku memang baca last minute. Seringkali memerlukan alat-alat bantuan stay up. Kalau kat sini kitorang minum Mr.Brown. Lepas minum kau macam katang gila lah. Macam dunia kau yg punya. Cewah takde lah. Mr. Brown tu coffee okay. However lepas minum tu konfem aku sakit perut. Sebab aku mmg tak berapa gemar coffe sangat pun. Macam lactose intolerant pun ada. Susu pun tak suka jugak. That's why time kat kopu dulu aku masa dpt susu kotak berkotak2 tu, aku tak minum pun. Bagi kawan, usually roomate aku lah. 

Ah berbalik kpd topik. 

Frank Sinatra ada cakap dalam lagu dia, favourite Abah aku btw. "Regrets I have a few, but then again. Too few to mention."

Aku pernah terbaca somewhere, sebenarnya nanti bila kita dah tua, we will mostly regret the things that we didn't do instead of apa yg kita pernah buat. Although benda tu salah. True enough walaupun aku takdelah dalam kategori tua sangat. One of the things that I regret most was tak pernah fly time MRSM dulu. Haha bila orang lain cerita kisah fly diorang, aku ternganga. Pasal kalau aku balik rumah even bukan waktu balik bermalam pun warden aku yg penyayang akan sign punya kad outing aku. Ada lah benda aku kelentong untuk convince diorang. And lagi satu member aku cerita dia fly malam2 keluar KLCC dari SBP dia tengah2 bandar tu. Keluar tengok wayang. Cool tak? Kalau aku dulu nak fly gi mana kat hujung dunia tu....krik krik krik. Oh and lagi satu dulu aku LDP. Entah cemana tah boleh pegang post tu. Aku lah orang paling whatever sekali dalam organization tu. And I felt really bad for my anak buah. Cause I didn't lead well.

So cerita dia kat sini aku nak cakap, kalau kau nak buat sesuatu benda tu kau buat lah betul2. Okay? Kalau kau pilih nak jadi baik, buat jadi betul2 baik. Kalau tak nanti kau menyesal dua benda instead of one. Nampak tak permainan dia kat situ?

Lagi satu, paling shitty lagi perasaan regrets ni adalah apabila kau buat something yang kau tahu benda tu salah and would bring more harm than good. But yet kau buat jugak. Kalau sekali takpe, ni berkali2. Contoh termudah aku bagi adalah now. Setiap kali exam aku berazam lepas ni aku nak start study dari awal. But it never happened and it's something I'll definitely regret. Then tiba exam depan, sama jugak pe'el dia. Biasalah tu kan student. Tahu je betapa shitty perasaan after tu tapi buat jugak. Tapi tu contoh termudah. Contoh2 lain sembang belakang naa.. Malu nak tulis kat sini.

Khulasoh dia, ni sebenarnya. Sebenarnya aku nak cakap di mana kita berada, apa kita buat sekarang, apa pathway hidup kita akan datang, semua ada hikmah tersendiri. Kalau tak suka dgn keadaan sekarang jangan lah menyesal dgn apa yg kau dah pilih. Tu lah orang cakap kalau nak decide tu, buatlah keputusan tu bersama Allah. Tetapkan pergantungan dekat Dia. Jadi takdelah kita rasa menyesal gila. Sebab kita sentiasa positif, even if things go wrong. 

Sebab aku rasa tak cool lah mengadu kat pakwe, pastu nanti pakwe cakap "It's okay everything's gonna be fine. You'll be okay." Jadi, nah ayat pemujuk hati favourite aku. Ayat common yg selalu orang share kat liqa' and programmes. Tapi takpe ayat ni tak pernah lapuk....

"......Boleh jadi sesuatu yang kamu benci itu amat baik untuk kamu dan boleh jadi sesuatu yang kamu sukai pula amat buruk untuk kamu. Allah Mengetahui sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahui " [2:216]

Okei gais. Doakan aku exam General Anatomy and Embryology esok. 

"Gaza, aku masih belajar mencintaimu sejujurnya" - TidakBest

Apa kena

"Weh kesiannya kita semua forever alone."

"Kan. Untunglah orang ada pakwe."

"Cane tah perasaan ada pakwe. Dah lah duk jauh. Cane tahan doh long distance relationship?"

"Entah aku pun tak tahu. Tak pernah rasa."

"Best je kot. Tapi benda salah memang best."

"Weh aku kesian kat diri sendiri sebab takde orang nak."

"Weh jangan doh. Kita patut bersyukur sebab kita tak di uji dengan benda2 camtu. Allah nak jaga kita dan save the best man for us. Jadi Dia buat kita takde perasaan pada laki laki lain sekarang ni. Faham tak?"

"Weh faham sangat weh. Alhamdulilah lah aku takde pakwe......"

Antara contoh perbualan tidak berfaedah.

Reflect

A wise someone once told me "being around positive people sends out positive vibes on yourself". Well obviously speaking, of course being in a positive environment gives out positive energy. And who wouldn't love that? Right?

Well I'm not gonna babble about how negativity creates stress, unhealthy environment yadda yadda.

It's just that I've been wandering and pondering about myself lately. Whether am I a positive person to be with? Do I offer comfort to people around me? Am I even likable. And the list goes on. Not that I'm having self esteem issues, it's just a..... reflection on how I act around people. Okay whatever.

Let me break it down to you.

Sometimes after I said something, I'd bit on my tongue and mentally slapping myself because I know I said something wrong or hurtful. And sometimes when people tries to get friendly, I'd go all hard and cold. And then I'd try imagining myself being in others' shoes. How would they feel if I were to be their place? And the regret episodes start to kick in...

Plus, I suck at meeting new people. Or at least I think so. Yeah I'm pretty sure I am.  I'll act all awkward and ask stupid questions. Once somebody came to my house, and didn't greet salaam. And whaddaya know I yelled assalamualaikum loudly. What the hell. That wasn't necessary to begin with. Talk about a good start leads to bad ending...

I don't wanna be the kind of person who keeps to herself all the time. I want to be a warm person to be with. The one who creates "positive vibes" around her friends. The one who lift them up when they're down. The one who can fit with anyone, anywhere and talk about just anything. I guess all these while I was okay with being that way. I mean come on that's how I am, why do I have to change myself? But I guess sometimes you just gotta lower down your ego and accept the fact that there are actually things about you that might not be likable. Slowly, but surely...change. Now that I live in a slightly bigger community (read: more housemates) , I have to withstand more attitudes and tolerate with each other, I learn. I learnt how to be patient. And not be too hard on people. And myself for the record.

However I believe that I'm not THAT bad when it comes to socializing. But certainly I'm not the best at it. I'm not a monster who lives alone all the time. Neither am I an angel who everyone comes looking for. I just need chances to improve myself as a human being. I need to tell myself that I am capable of loving and caring as well. Even after all that had happened (or had not). And if I don't grab these chances I guess I'm the one who's at lost.

An usrah meeting this week talked about challenges and tests Allah gives to His slaves. From an usrah member I quote "The tests Allah bring us to, it's not there for nothing. They are brought to us to teach us the values we still lack of."

Touche.

.

I'm scared I couldn't put my thoughts into words anymore.

Because it's just too hard these days.

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