Leave

I know this time will come, but never thought it would be so soon. Alas a lil surprised, i believe it's the best thing to do. I have always known that whoever you lean on won't be there forever for you to depend. Eventually, it's always you against the world. That's when you realized God is great and only God is sufficient for you. Can't help to feel vulnerable again...

Anyway.

Despite all that i believe in, i found myself getting emotionally involved with my current partner. We're doing yet another LDR but it's fine with me so far. I like how straight up and confident he is. Every time we talked about our relationship he truly showed how committed he is with it and he promised to make it happen someday. Doesn't seem to bother or burden him whenever we talk about marriage. Which i really am attracted to. It's fairly too early to tell, but i find comfort in talking to him. I find peace letting out my emotions to him knowing he doesn't judge. I genuinely hopes and prays this is the one for me. I am not one to blindly expects people to keep their promises. But i have a feeling his promise to me was real and it turns up the way i wanted it to be.

I hope God agrees with my plans and set up an easy path towards my goal. Insha Allah.

Haih these days are very empty. I longed for that place and person i can call home. I've been commuting and making random places my temporary home for the longest time. I am still young but I am not getting younger. I want a home, i want you to be my home. And hopefully if we ever find ourselves getting there some day, i would look back at this post and remember how bad i wanted that to happen. So i can thank God and the universe for finally aligning our stars.

This post is a reminder that i am capable to fall in love, that i am capable of being emotionally attached to another person. I am never heartless. It's just that i care about people too much that it sometimes backfire on me. Coping mechanism struck me to put on a hard and steely facade. Deep inside i know i am not. It's okay to let down my guard and let people how gooey i can be.

I'm a broken soul. God sent you to fix it for me. I can't imagine losing you.
Please never leave. 

New Year New You

Happy new year. 

It's a start of something new yet again and i'm grateful to live another day to experience another year. 

2017 was really something. By far it's year with the most growth, challenging and overwhelming i've had in my 24 (going to 25) years of life. I haven't written alot in the past year seeing i've only had few posts in this blog. But that doesn't mean i haven't had anything in my mind. Sometimes it's better to brush things off and not dissect them any deeper cause it only gives more harm to your soul. So i stopped writing about my feelings. 

Right. 

So 2017 started off with employment. As my career goes, it was the scariest thing to start. I've always been a coward, but i've got no one to blame except myself. So i learnt how to overcome the fear, battling my anxiety and jitters of my fingers everyday. I got my first paycheck from a real job. And i've started saving and invest them for my future plans. I got transferred to a new clinic, the one im originally posted to and it was a blessing. I had the chance to do my first solo MOS from start to finish and now i'm working with the perio specialist every Tuesday now. She's on the look out for a new permanent officer and we're basically auditioning for a spot. I hope i'd land myself a spot in the specialist dept very soon. 

I spent a lot of my times with my family on weekends and we even went on a trip together on December. And i am forever grateful for the blessing of my parents and family. I realised that they matter the most to me and seeing my parents ageing just breaks my heart. I want nothing but the best for them. I hope they're proud to see me grow as a person this year and i pray that God grant them good health in the years to come for me to make them happy.

It was also a fun year for me as I've started earning and gotten very independent. I had no guilt spending my money on going to concerts and plays. I watched movies and eat ice cream waffles. I drove to the east coast for my best friend's weddings. I lepak a lot and got to meet so many new friends from different backgrounds. Annnnd i got myself a nose piercing and several ear piercings! 

I too had a few breakdowns in 2017, mostly because it felt really lonely at times. Although i was surrounded with good colleagues and friends. They somehow feel very superficial to me, and it gets very lonely spiritually. I worry about myself at times but hey i never thought i could function real good in solitude. So that's one of the major lessons i got to learn this year -- is to cope with depending on yourself. Depending on other people, no matter how close you can be its only very heartbreaking when they disappoint you. 

I thought 2017 was gonna end with a plateau. Me and my work life. Little did i know a surprise was waiting in the corner. 

I have been single for quite a while. Well, tbh i have been seeing people through out the year but i never bring the relationship further and they just usually end up very casual. We met in a cafe in London 2 years ago, and i saw him again at Hannah's wedding. One thing led to another i found myself falling deeply for this person. He is the best highlight slash plot twist in 2017. I know its too early to tell, but right now im just genuinely happy that we found each other. He is amazing and i never want anything else to wish for but seeing how my future unfolds with him in the picture. 

To a very good year ahead. 

2018 is gonna be good.

I just know it.