Past

Isn't it amazing how small insignificant things around you takes you back to reliving your own memory? It's 1am, raining very heavily outside this bedroom window of mine. I'm doing work with my stock photos, going through my travel photos one trip at a time and feeding my ears with melodies of my pick while at it. 

This downpour; it brought me to that day in Budapest where it rained all day and we bought umbrellas from that little subway shop. We walked around the city and looked for that grandeur book cafe in the evening. Alas succumbing to paracetamol from the wet and cold i had to endure. I remember all the details of that tiny hostel backpacker. That lovely Ferris wheel, the crossroads, the quiet parks and the huge wooden door and scary flight of stairs to our place. It was simply beautiful. 

These tunes; it took me to winter 2012 where we were really young. I had no worries, all the problems in the world seemed minute. I thought i could spent those money i had and never go broke. These songs remind me of my childish, carefree self with my companions. That night when we had the whole train coach to ourselves. We sang, we ate, we talked and suddenly snow was falling. We watched in awe as the mountains got blanketed with magic soft white powder. That night we slumbered ourselves with warmth though it was literally freezing. We had the time of our life. 

Life is a time machine, I was once told. Memories are there for us to go back in time. And hope, is what future looks like. 

Nostalgic person I am, I appreciate every little things. I used to find meanings in small surprises and tiny wonders. But it stopped working that way.

I guess we're all a lil bit (if not more) harder to please these days. Well..

Open

It's been a long time since i had a very busy weekend. Last 2 days were one of it. I hated the whole idea of having back to back events and jobs but i did it anyway (although with the usual "why did i sign up for this" prior to every single events). 

It was filled with a little bit of hesitant at first when I had to replace a Math tuition class early in the Saturday morning. It was then a little inspiring at the poetry event at ss15, worked a little sweat and pulled some muscles at the netball tournament and the productive weekend was wrapped up with the soup kitchen i volunteered in. 

1. Malaysian Poets Society 7th recital

I was supposed to be there as Sarah's plus one. But i was an hour late because i had to send my sister to Putrajaya lol. Nonetheless i made it in time for her recital and a few other speakers despite missing some really good ones earlier on. I got to meet Sarah's brother, Atiff and their cousin Nabilla and her boyf joined us in this fancy "secret" cafe Jibril afterwards. 

The crowd was what i expected, the upper class novice English speakers. Just like old times during my English debate and public speaking tournaments. I mingled with a few but most of them were too cool for our league so we didn't really mix around lels. 

Anyhow listening to them recite (and even bawling their eyes out) made me realize how emotional writers really are. I used to write poems and short stories way back when, I had really good connections with my own emotions and vomit them out on the papers. But I guess that talent of mine went to vain and buried along with those emotions. 

Sarah wanted to collab for the next recital. I probably should pick up the pen and try to start writing again. 

2. Karnival Sukan BSP 

The nerves before the game was too overwhelming. I've always known i'm not a good athlete and i don't really have that competitive nature to always fight to win. I never have a niche in any sports (except equestrian during ancient times), but i love playing sports. It's like you battle with your mental as well as your physical ability. And i envy people who has rly good sports ability. I've always wished i played sports from school but i didn't. Alas, we didn't even make it to the semis. Which was fine, i was already tired lol. 

Oh and i played with my sister for the first time ever in the same team. She is obviously a much better player than me despite being much older haha. 

3. PERTIWI Soup Kitchen

The highlight of my weekend indeed. This, is what i've been dreaming of doing ever since i set foot in the humanitarian scene. And it was so so much better than i expected. They were super systematic, they wasted no time, they had very good crowd control, they didn't drag the whole program and i legit love these people already.

The beneficiaries lined up rly well and we were assigned our tasks very efficiently (there are even runners for the blind/handicapped/elderly). I was given the task to give out packet drinks and biscuits. With a very clear instruction, only 1 per person, no more no less. 

In that sea of people, one of the beneficiaries asked for an extra pack of biscuit. It was just a simple pack of chocolate biscuit, nothing fancy at all. But i told her off nicely that we can only give out one pack per person otherwise it would be unfair to the others. She went on with the line. Little did i know that she went to one of the regulars and demanded for an extra pack of biscuit and another cup of coffee. And that was went the commotion began. This is a normal scene, the kids from Sekolah Jalanan ChowKit do this all the time. But this is the first time ever i heard adults screaming, but thankfully it was nothing more than just verbal hysterics. It's sad, to be mad over just a packet of biscuit that is probably no worth in my household. But rules had to be enforced strictly to maintain safe environment for the volunteers. 

We then moved to another stop at Kota Raya. I met up with a couple who brought their daughter to volunteer together. It was a nice sight, this is what I picture my future family would be like.

And this is Amy, Aishah's roomate back in Melbourne. She's a regular at PERTIWI and even met her husband here. They continued volunteering together until now. 

This is Aunty Munirah, her heart is gold. I really aspire to be like her one day inshaAllah. I can't wait to be back and volunteer at PERTIWI again. 

Knock

There's a saying that says opportunity knocks but once. When i had the chance to pay a visit to these 2 schools for underprivileged children, i wasted no time. I actually wanted to go earlier to give out the photos from Kidzania but since i promised Sarah to spend solid time with her so i waited until Thursday. Hence killing 2 birds with a stone.

I made a lot of promises to myself that i don't usually keep. But they say bila sahaja terdetik dalam hati nak buat amal, never ignore that feeling. I don't have much but i remembered how much i wanted to buy them ice creams last time i saw them. So i spent some money from this very few that i have to buy ice creams for the kids. And i am very grateful for this tiny pinch of happiness and micro accomplishment.

Upon going into the class that Kak Mija was teaching i was ecstatic to see 3 familiar faces - Malak, Nour and Joudi.  I helped out with the class, and also rasa menyibuk jugak lol. The girls kept on coming to me asking to translate what they're trying to say in English bcos the class is conducted entirely in English. At the end of the class they went for Dhuhr prayers and we had ice creams together! 

Looking back, i think everything was planned out really nice. I was supposed to see Nina, our TFTN volunteer just bcos she told me to see her whenever i'm nearby. So since i was planning to sleep with Sarah in UIA, i spontaneously ajak Nina to teman me to ROL school in Chow Kit. And apparently, the sekolah jalanan only operates on Thursday and Saturday nights. We had perfect timing ! 

So i drove to Chow Kit from UIA with Nina. Nina is only 20yo, same age as my brother, but she is so matured and has a lot of experiences under her belt. She was the Project Manager for EdTalk and alot of other events. I am very humbled (read : insecure) of the way she carries herself and how active she is in Uni. 

We saw familiar faces as soon as we arrived in Chowkit. Intan, a kid i got to know from Kidzania the other day immediately greeted me. And Kak Hera, Kak Pnut, Kak Maya, Hussain, Faiz were all there as well tapi i didn't talk much bcos idk, i was so shy? They're like so hebat and i got no chill with fangirling haha. These people, man.. Idk how they do it. They really take care of the kids. They teach them how to fish. They teach them how to paint, play lego, make bracelets, sewing and most of the products they do, they help them to sell at the local Art Markets (like ArtforGrabs and Rantai events). I saw how they are very organized and wrote every single names of the kids on their products. So that when people buy their arts, they got their money.

Massive respect for this NGO who works silently without publicity but the kids' success is their noise. ROL is very sensitive of the media and published images of their kids, so i had to curi2 tangkap gambar luls.

Sadly though, Kak Hera said no to my ice cream plans because it was already late and nanti bebudak ni sugar rush lol. So i just stick around drawing and playing lego with the kids until 1130pm. Saw how they make arts and craft. I even bought one bracelet for myself. 

I felt revived after this excursion. 

Thanks to these fellas who has a very very fond place in my heart for giving me place to stay and belanja me makan and listens to what i had to confess HAHA. 

Path

As a person with unfathomable emotions. i do somehow feel attached to some people more than others. In the sense of sharing my thoughts, asking for opinions and sometimes i don't even need reasons to feel that way. But as of late it occurred to me that you'll end up alone anyways no matter how many people you have in your life or how great these people are. They move on with their lives, and so do you. We venture into different sets of pathways and we part. Life goes on, the earth keeps on spinning. At the end of the day you'll end up with yourself and your capabilities to stand on your own two feet. And so will they. It's the nature taking its course. You'll wonder what kind of direction we all go through and you're puzzled if you are on the right passage.

It's nasty to your morale. But you gotta what you gotta do.

Here's to being more independent and stop getting so emotionally needy. Salam awal muharram. Happy new year.

KidZania

Imma bebel on this post like how i used to masa muda mudi dulu. Lels.

We brought 32 kids from Chow Kit and another 39 from Jasmine School for Refugees under this trip with almost 20 accompanying adults. Most of them who I really look up to in the humanitarian scene, namely Musa, ZF Zamir, Fazleena Hishamudin, Hussain Sajjat and Ishak (lol). So they put me in-charge on purchasing admission tickets just 2 weeks prior to the trip. They pulled some phone numbers to get discounts since this was a charity event. So i made a few phone calls to the Sales VP and some emails. To my surprise, we got free tickets from KidZania under their CSR bookings and i was so ecstatic cause we saved a lot. We still had to pay for the meals, transport and all the logistic shits. But what else can we ask for right.

Me and Ishak were stationed to gerak from Chow Kit road with the kids around 8am. So i parked at Nu Sentral (apparently they hv rm4 flatrate for weekends and public holidays), and took the lrt to bandaraya. This was my first time ever pergi Chow Kit lolll. So to my surprise actlly it was super near to Medan Tuanku monorail station of which aku pernah turun dgn Alia pergi Kenanga. So masa mula2 turun tu dah nampak banyak nya orang homeless tgh tidur lagi cos it was still so early. Tapi the kids' parents looked decent, but nampak lah diorang miskin kota. I said hi to Zul, Faiz, Husain and Kak Maya. Tapi mula2 cam okwed gila cos i inferior, they looked so cool, ala ala hippie/indie gitu. This Faiz guy had a seruling in his bag and Kak Maya dresses up like sumpah cool gila. They're from the Region of Love (ROL) who provides weekly tuition sessions for these kids. Their school literally is made up of tikar that they set up on the side of the road. Like literally. 

So dalam bas Zul tanya who do we contact masa sampai nanti. I like literally blur gila kenapa lah aku tak mintak contact number the girl from Sales yg I hv been emailing tu. I answered "taktahu lah Zul". Lol cam blur gila mampus. And then i checked the email balik yg diorg hantar. Rupanya i missed some points that i should have pesan kat budak2 tu :

a) takleh pakai selipar (but i seen some of the kids pakai)

b) takleh bawak masuk beg

c) takleh bawak makanan

I was like damn it Husna you had one job apesal lah takkk baca email leklok gila. And then apparently they asked for proof of payment jugak of which aku tak print. So aku cam gelabah gila. But apparently okay je. Ha ha. Everything was under control and bebudak ni main dgn gembiranya. Orang tua yg penat nak melayan. 

I jaga these 4 girls, 3 of them from Syria and 1 from Yemen. Nur, Majda, Malak and Joudi. Haha they rly remind me of the kids at TFTN school in Irbid. Lawak je melayan dorang ni. But diorang sgt behave and dgr kata. 

And then after that, we went to a picnic at Lembah Kiara TTDI. Penat gila doh time tu sumpah. Tapi layan je lah. Aku dah pening2 lalat melayan bebudak ni. 

I met Aizat, again :D

Otw balik, i pimpin 2 kids from Chow Kit. I tak igt nama theyols cos melayu nama nak dekat2 haha. But the kids are very small, tak silap adik beradik. Around 4 and 6yo i think. And then tiba2 the older kid told me :

"Akak, dia (the smaller kid) nak dukung"

I just smiled and dokong je lah budak tu. But i think she was malu ke apa, she was like "Eh akak takpe2 saya boleh jalan. Takpelah kak takyah dokong saya. Takpe takpe." Huhu, sayu gila. She was so young tapi dah pandai taknak nyusahkan orang. But i carried her anyway. Takpelah akak dokong awak, bukan selalu. 

And then towards the exit tu biasalah taman org jogging ada orang jual aiskrim. Suddenly one of them tunjuk the ice cream man and said

"Akak, nak ice cream"

Huhu i rly wanted to buy for her but i thought kalau belanja dia nnt i have to belanja everyone lah. I didn't even have money for myself that time. So i cakap i tak bawak duit. And then suddenly Kak Maya(cikgu diorang) told her off nicely from behind my back. She pesan not to minta2 towards volunteers yg datang, jangan pernah mintak2. Kan dah pesan dia cakap. Huhu sedih pulak. Sori dik nanti akak ada duit akak belanja korang ya. Akak miskin lagi. Nanti dah kaya sikit akak belikan tau. Dont worry. 

Time nak say bye tu, one of the girls tanya will she ever see me again? She said she hope she will in the future. I told her i will try to go and visit. 

"Budak2 Chow Kit ni miskin kota. Kita nak keluarkan dia dr kemiskinan tu. Dia dah biasa nampak org naik kereta besar2 lalu depan dia sangkut dlm traffic jem. Jadi apa tujuan kita educate diorang? Suruh diorang jadi doktor/lawyer/engineer/businessman pakai student loan. Beli rumah cantik, beli kereta besar semua pakai loan. Itu hanyalah keluarkan dia dari kemiskinan yg sedia ada, dan letakkan dia dalam kemiskinan bentuk lain. Bukan itu tujuan kita."

I'll see you guys again. InshaAllah. 

With the ice creams :))

Job

A few days ago I went for a job interview as a dental assistant in Seri Kembangan. It was 20 minutes drive from my place, a convenient location. It was my first interview since donkey years. I am always very good in menggebang lol so despite the nerves i kinda power through. Upon knowing the salary i was amazed that the doctor is giving rm1500 per month, which is good enough. But i was hesitant when it comes to the working hours cos it's 6days/week, 10 hours per day, and night shift habis 10pm.

So the doctor texted me this morning and told me that i was chosen for the position. She wanted an immediate reply. Alas, i turned down the offer due to very demanding working hours. But i'm kinda sad that i had to pass that opportunity. I feel kinda useless now. But of course I do work for my sister and Im doing a stuffs for tftn but there isn't any personal growth. Tbh my only concern is to get good money cos im super broke. And i wanna meet new people.

I'm so mad at the govt for doing this to my generation. It's one thing to strain the youth's financials, but it's another thing to dwindle our morale. Why lah am i born a Malaysian lol. Anyway im still searching for anything freelance to do. I hope i tak regret turning down that offer. Oh well kenapa lah gue miskin sekali. 

Ramadhan

It's the 10th day of fasting (or is it 11th?). It's my last Ramadhan in Jordan. Honestly tak rasa pun ruh Ramadhan tu and i'm so sad that im like this lately. I wasn't ready for Ramadhan and suddenly dah start puasa. Even spiritually pun rasa kosong gila gila. And im so scared. I do fast. I do solat but at the end of the day i know better that the reason to me feeling empty these days is because my ibadah tak sempurna. Semua buat ala kadar. Asalkan buat je. And with all the work i need to do to settle kan documents and barang2, i rly wish that i'd get my period again walaupun haritu dah tinggal puasa. Entahlah teruk sgt perangai skrg ni. I have no patience and tolerance walhal itu lah yg patut kita embrace bulan puasa ni. Made me realize that it wasn't syaitan afterall. Sigh...  

We all have a few days left in Jordan. I have about a week. I'm having mixed feelings about it. I rly do wanna go back quick. Especially cos its Ramadhan, bosan makanan bukak puasa kat sini. But i will definitely miss my friends here. Nanti dah balik mesti lg akan terasa. I don't have a lot of close friends, but i do know a lot of people. These few close friends that i have, i rly appreciate them all. I knew all along that i'm very very attached to my besties. Even besties time sekolah dulu pun we're still very tight-knitted. And im always proud to say that i keep in touch with my close friends rly well. 

For me, my friends mean an awful lot in my life. I tend to get very clingy to people i trust. I always need company, and being me feeling lonely is inevitable. Sucks when you are so emotionally needy. Reason why sometimes i feel that they mean a lot more to me than i am to them. But of course the thing with life - not everything is reciprocal. I once felt that it has always been me yg terhegeh hegeh nak keep in touch with my old friends whereas everyone else move on with their life. I hope i wouldn't feel this way  this time around cos it's a shitty feeling. And even if i feel that way so what. It's a good thing to keep the bond going, and if they dont feel the same way than it's their loss not mine. But anything can happen. Especially now that we're older. 

It's a good thing that life goes on. But there's always a downside to that. I'm not sure how to feel about changing your life after 5 years of establishing your own clique, figuring your own space and setting your routine. It's a new phase of life. I'm not sure i'm even ready for it. 

But time never wait for you to get geared up.  

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Here's to the beginning of yet another ending

15 days

I have around two weeks to go until final starts. I've been practically eating, sleeping, walking and shitting final exams and all the materials that I have to cover. But even with all these knowledge I've been trying to digest, I'll always feel there's more that I don't know. Ah idk, there's more to life than exams but i really want to ace this. 

I miss that feeling in school, of being confident over something i know i'm good at. I need to be good at at least one thing? Nowadays, my self confidence is garbage. The only thing i'm good at is sleeping lol. Be it in the clinics, knowledge-wise, socially..the struggle is real af. I really need to be my old self again. Well this is not school anymore. So, grow up please.

  

I looked so damn pucat and tired 

Anyway, these are the people who have watched me grow these 5 years. Where i did stupid things, dated stupid guys, got mad over undone dishes, got cyber-bullied by seniors and everything under the sun. I know we weren't as close as we used to be, we stopped eating meals together, we don't go to class together, we don't solat jemaah together anymore. We're so busy with ourselves nowadays that we rarely have time for each other. But i hope you guys know how much i love each and every single person of you. Even though most of the time nowadays i only keep to myself in my room. Even though i don't smile in the mornings, i'm not really the one you guys come to for comfort, even if i'm the laziest when it comes to call air/gas/pakcik. But pls know that i appreciate all the things you've done for me, the things we did together and places we went together.  In a few months time we'll "disband" Bayt Kampung and say goodbye to each other. No more dealing with mesin basuh rosak, vacuum tak jalan, sakhonah tak leh on, pam air tak naik. 

Bayt Kampung will always have a special place in my heart. And i hope we'll always remain mates although we don't live in the same house anymore. 

Friends/Strangers

I scrolled my instagram feed and found myself stopping at hisham's photo idk why. He went to some event with his gf and they were really well dressed up. It got me smirking for a while. Didn't double tap it and move on to the next photo. It's funny because the thought of him just went through my mind recently and i recently read my old convos with him. Yeah wth, dont i hv nothing better to do. Such a shame things between me and him just stalled like that. We could have been good friends. He was fun and also very caring. Somehow a sweet talker and rly makes a good guy friend. Oh well that was 3 years ago (or was it 2?). I've seriously moved on but it's weird how people can turn into strangers in just a blink. We didn't even fight about nothing. For some reasons (now very apparent), we drifted apart. And he took off. Without me. Lol what a pathetic story.

Anyhow.

I was talking to a friend just now. We've made some plans together because we'll be graduating about the same time (of which i am really excited for). And we happened to prolong the conversation, talking about the future like we had a clue. K. Suddenly he asked if i think we would still be friends even if we're much older? When we both are married and have our own lives, will we still be friends like how we used to? Cause let's be realistic he said, guys and girls don't usually remain friends that long especially when we head off to our own paths.

To that i said, "aku kawan lah dgn bini kau. kau pun kawan lah dgn laki aku. nanti weekend boleh double date." Lol.

We went over that flirting phase. He wasn't courting me or anything. It was a legit question. To which kept me thinking, memang betul pun after dah kahwin masing2 ada hidup sendiri. Tak kesah pun laki ke perempuan, we tend to go our own ways. Tak semua kawan kekal sampai mati. And as we get older, we keep our circle tighter and tighter. And i really hope when i get older one day, i would still keep the bond tight with my closest friends.

Anyway I sure got lots of thing planned with my friends and sisters I can't wait to be back for good. But now i have to get this finals over and done with first. Huaaaaa.

           

Shout out to my high school friends who sticks around still

Nota

I had a liqa session with my usrah yesterday. And the topic discussed went right straight through my heart. Kak Jaja did a tafseer on Surah Insyirah. Which is a simple one. Straightforward. Nothing too technical. It's just something to refresh our minds, cause i think most of us had heard about that surah multiple times. But it was uplifting nonetheless. That's the beauty of Quran, they never get old or cliche walaupun ulang banyak2 kali. Tak mcm dengar lagu, ulang byk kali muak kot.

Anyway.

We did like somewhat a gratitude exercise beforehand. We had to write down one thing that we whined or was upset about that day and then jot down how to turn that thing into something positive. As in how would it be if we looked at it as glass half full. Which made me realised i've been whining a lot lately. Not technically whiny, but getting upset over something i couldn't control. Walhal there are a lot more in my life that i have to be thankful for.

I can't help it but get disappointed all the time, by myself, people around me and some things i have no control over. I think it's normal lah right. But what's not is that i am actually so bad at handling frustrations.I tend to get insecure and sensitive over everything lol. Kadang2 benda tak berkaitan pun nak sensitip gak. Takleh lah cemtu kan.

So kenapa aku camtu....aku dah dapat jawapan nya. Sebab selalu sgt tak bersyukur dgn apa aku ada. Selalu sgt expect lebih2. Paling i wanna change is how to not expect too much from myself. If you let yourself down tu perasaan dia lagi dahsyat dari other people letting you down. Alhamdulilah aku bersyukur aku ada tubuh badan sempurna, ada tangan yg sihat utk buat kerja dentist walaupun aku selalu frust kenapa clinical skill aku tak bagus macam orang lain. Alhamdulilah ada brain and akal yg fully functioning walaupun selalu down kenapa takleh study and score mcm orang lain. Alhamdulilah ada family and friends yg i can always rely on walaupun single, takde partner yg boleh bagi moral support mcm orang lain. Alhamdulilah i was born with Islam and Iman.

At the end of the usrah, we were left with a homework to exercise our gratitude towards Allah. We have to write at least 1 thing each day that we are grateful for. So yesterday i was grateful for the liqa. And today i am grateful that me and alia completed our pulpo test walaupun takde comprehensive case.

Alhamdulilah. Thank you Allah for today.

وَاِذۡ تَاَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمۡ لَٮِٕنۡ شَكَرۡتُمۡ لَاَزِيۡدَنَّـكُمۡ​ وَلَٮِٕنۡ كَفَرۡتُمۡ اِنَّ عَذَابِىۡ لَشَدِيۡدٌ‏ 

14:7

Home

40 days to final exam, I know I couldn't afford being lazy anymore. But today I slacked real hard. I woke up really late and couldn't study at all. Someone asked if I was just crying bcos me eyes looked puffy, I said no. But I actually did. The incident pushed my switch again. Hate it when that button got fiddled.

Despite the fact that I find comfort and privacy in this foreign land i call my second home, these places and these faces are getting old. This place is wearing me down each day. I wanna go home. And be where i belong. Where i don't have to worry too much. Where i never get left out. Where i feel safe and secure. Where i don't have to fake it to make it. 

Just 2 months to go. I need to get out of here. 

Soft

I've always believed there's a reason to why I have very bad luck in relationships (so far). Now that I've been single a few months, I figured out that even though I thought I was ready but i was in all for the wrong reasons. I am very ashamed of my past relationships and failures. It's a very touchy subject for me but I don't have issues opening up to people about it. Which is rather weird. Most times though I'll tell it out bcos I don't wanna be vulnerable about it. But deep inside it always hurts.

The fact that i'm taking a break from guys right now and i'm very happy about it makes me feel really good about myself. Explains why i get mad whenever people like my mom, stresses me on finding a partner quickly. Bcos it was so hard to gather all the strengths and tell myself it's okay that i failed yet again, accept the way it turned out and be happy about it. Whenever i got told by someone, i'm irritated bcos i feel as though they're jinxing up what i've been working on.

You see. There are lots of things i need to work on before getting into another relationship. I've always wanted to care for another person and I've always expected for them to care for me in return. But now I realize that I need to take care of myself first before anyone else. 

I wanna be better, for the sake of me. Not for other people. 

First thing i wanna do right now is getting closer to God. Idk but i've always been searching for that spiritual inner peace. I haven't found it yet tbh. I mean i kept on going back and forth, sometimes i feel at ease, sometimes it feels so chaotic inside. Tapi yelah iman pun mmg fitrah dia turun naik. At this particular moment now i feel so far from God. Maybe it's the schedule, maybe it's the lethargy, maybe i'm too busy with worldly matters. I hardly make time to sit and make ibadah with a full heart. Semua buat ala kadar je. I envy people who practices really good Islam and has very good faith in what they believe. Bcos i go back and forth every time, and in between i often feel empty... 

It's really easy to feel empty when you're lonely anyway. 

That's why you have to fill the emptiness with spirituality. Sure i join usrah and everything, i like usrah tbh. But it doesn't touch my heart like it touches other people. Nonetheless im still very thankful that at least i get to learn something from it. Although sometimes i lack the feel and heart. 

But i really wanna keep going and find things that softens my heart one day. Even if it means finding it alone... Inshaallah. Im counting on myself. 

Brave

Apparently I still have a few thousand JDs to work with and think of new projects for the refugees. I haven't got the time to think of anything yet, except for maybe just a simple tauzi3 makanan again. But today Ishak came out with a brilliant idea. He suggested that we sponsor a few individuals with chronic illness that needs monthly supply of medicines, for lets say 3 months... He personally knows some them from his kids in school. I'm really keen on making this work for the benefit in the long run.  

Long run.

Which got me thinking.

How much longer do i even have running over here? I should have been rly active with this long time ago. Why now that I'm going, that I feel somehow attached to the work and people involved in this. The thoughts upsets me in the guts every time I think about it. That i should have done more when i had the time. I should have seek more funds when i had the chance. Soon i'm leaving this behind, and i don't wanna leave with regrets. I wanna do what i can while i can. Although I'm not that attached as compared to those who dedicate their live to this. I can't imagine what it'd be like for people like Ishak, Amir, Musa to leave everything they've built here and go back home one day.

While on the subject, as much as i look forward to graduate and go home for good, I am VERY scared. I am scared to suddenly lose the freedom to choose how i live my life. I am scared of commitments and expectations, i am scared of the real world. I am scared of suddenly losing my comfort zone and privacy. I am scared of not having adequate skills for my profession. I am scared that one day in the future, i will hv the need to stand up for what i think is best for me unlike living alone overseas - you could always choose to live however you want and nobody has anything to say.

Oh well. I guess it's time I be a little bit braver. 

Jelly

I'd like to change a lot of things about myself. But i know i can't and it's never good to downgrade yourself like that. Truth is, i downgrade myself a lot. Sometimes i feel sorry for myself bcos i know i shouldnt be feeling that way. I overthink way too much. I should just take a chill pill and accept myself like i accept other people. 

If there's only one thing i'd like to change is not having to care so much about what others had to say about myself. 

I'm very pessimistic. I'm sorry that I need people to tell me i'm okay, to tell me i'm doing great, to continuously giving positive remarks. It's so childish but i never am strong to turn a demotivating situation into a constructive one. 

People may see me like i'm strong, opinionated and shits. Truth is i'm so weak on the inside. 

Parity

I know mom cares for me. I know she's worried that i'm not like my sisters. I know she's concerned that my love life is atypical, unlike my sisters. That at the age of 23, I am still single and messed up when it comes to relationship.

Tell you what, I worry too.

If i can have this body and this health forever, that wouldn't be a problem. If i can have emotional stability forever, I dont care. If my parents will be forever young, i don't mind. But i know things will gradually change and it's human nature to find a partner to cling on and share your life. I know that.

But what I want my mom to know is that, instead of worrying-sick and insisting me to have a steady boyfriend, she should have see myself in a different perspective. I am strong and capable of doing many things at the age of 23yo without a partner. I self-support and independent, while i'm single. I'm graduating with a degree in medical field at the age of 23, with a job waiting for me in malaysia. I basically did everything without depending on anyone on long term.

Instead of focusing on my bad luck in relationships, she should have been proud of other things i've done alone without a partner's help. I've done a lot for myself, and all she ever sees is how shameful that I'm still single.

I know I cant be with a simple-minded, entah pape loser pondan guy. I've tried dating these guys and what my teacher said was true. I should stop settling for losers who doesn't know how to love me when I've given so much to love him. I'm a woman with a vision. I don't need a guy for his money, looks nor career. I'm looking for a guy who challenges me intellectually. Who shares the same interest. Who talks about music, books and movies like i do. Who knows how to have fun with me. Who agrees on gender parity. Who's supportive and constructive at the same time. I can't do a passive-aggressive relationship.

I sure have a lot to ask for, it may seem. But maybe because I'm worth a lot. Therefore I hope people for once could understand that with you pushing me to settle into just any relationship that comes by knocking on my door, is just degrading myself as a woman

Know

Aku tahu aku buat salah. I was at fault. I didn't know how it happened that night, I should hv stepped up. If only you knew it was never my call, I was never the alpha. I knew what I was doing was not right. But I kept on following what was served to me, I followed blindly without voicing out.

But I wish you just let me go this once. I guess this is the first time ever we got into a row like this. And it sucks. I don't like how we're doing right now. And I am in this awkward position not knowing what to do. Putting on too much efforts would only make you serabut. But keeping it quiet will only make this worse. I don't want to explain anymore, I don't want to justify myself. I just want you to forgive and let. it. go.

If this is just how it's gonna be, it's not worth it. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, I know you're trying too. But I'm not an angel, suci dari segala dosa dan tak pernah buat silap. Banyak silap aku. But this one I happened to fuck it up real bad. But please after all these times, i'm asking you to cut me some slack. One. Last. Slack. Before we part ways, before the journey is over. For all I know if I were to head home this way, we will only drift further and further apart. 

Daddy

I woke up to a text yesterday morning. Dad said he credited me some money in my bank acc. I asked him what is this for abah? Assuming that it was for the headstone balance fee I need to pay. He didn't reply that message.

I went alone after clinic to pick up my ATM card from Aramex in balad since I had to make a new one after I got pickpocket-ed in London. I activated the card and withdraw a sum of cash for me to get through this 2 weeks before the next allowance. The balance in my account terrifies me, I've never been this broke before. But then I thought to myself I can still survive, others had it worse. It's okay I won't pay anything extra just this 2 weeks. Heck even buying a packet of cheese pun hesitate gila. Nak bayar for dinner batch 10JD? Gi mam. But, I was being really positive about it. It's okay you can pull this through. Siapa suruh belanja byk sgt during trip haritu. It's money, nanti boleh cari lagi.

I totally forgot about the text abah sent in the morning. Suddenly he replied while I was walking home (too cheapskate for a taxi),

"That's for Adik Hus. You may need duit lebih for final year. Tell me kalau tak cukup." 

I walked home crying, asking God why are people so good to me when I'm so bad to them. It's the first time in a very long time since i ever felt sincerely bersyukur for rezeki Allah bagi. I never told Abah I didn't have enough money. He didn't even know I got pickpocket. I guess it's just how daddies work. They take care of you even when you're no longer a baby.

Nonetheless, I know kebahagiaan and love and affection is not measured with money. At all.

Tests

I have people coming up to me saying things like I've had things easy. I'll always have money when I need it. There's always a way for me to get what I want.

Well, I never really was very offended with those statements. Cause I think it has some truth in it. I've (almost) always get what I want ever since I was a kid. My father is the kind of dad who goes extra mile for eveything we want. Things like getting a scholarship, a job, going into good schools, he got us a driver when i was still in school. And when he got kicked out of DRB Hicom, he drove us around instead. He gave my brother and sisters a car each upon graduation and I even have my own waiting for me. He basically prepares things for us. Not necessarily everything, but yeah none of us had to worry about things like that while we grew up. He always has his ways. 

But daddy is not getting any younger. He can't work that hard anymore. He was diagnosed with glaucoma and he recently lost one of his eyesight. The other eye has only 45% vision. Idk, i can't help imagining the worse case scenario. What if he can't read texts one day? What happen if I can't send him texts like I'm doing now everyday? What happens if he can't read Quran anymore? He loves writing, he writes in his planner everyday. What happens if one day he can't write any longer? He loves to travel. We traveled alot together. What happens if one day he can't see the places we go to? What if what if what if? 

I did a huge favor for him the other day in Cardiff. It was impossible to do at first, but I couldn't help but to not disappoint him. So i managed to order the headstone for late kakak qamariah. He said he was very happy that I did that for him. I am very happy too, I hope he knows. 

And he keeps on texting me that he wants to go see the headstone as soon as it's planted. Which will be in April. And he wants me to go with him. It secretly occurs to me what if he couldn't get to see it. Allahu.. God knows how much I want to go, but I have to get my priorities straight. I can't risk another distraction for finals. 

I've been totally broke these 2 weeks ever since I got back from Europe. It sucks. I admit I had it easy. But not anymore. I too have times when I have to ikat perut and not spend on things I need whatmore want. But it's the price I hv to pay for going on a trip. It's okay I know I will recover from this broke-ness. But all i have in my mind right now is my father. It's that point of life where I realize that I have to learn how to survive independently. My parents won't be here to support me forever. And it breaks every single piece of soul inside me.