Black and White

I went into the dark, hiding from the brightness you bring in. It was overwhelming when i finally got out of it. Blinking my eyes repeatedly, had my pupils constricting to the gush of lights. Then I figured, life is neither black nor white. 

Blunt.

Feelings come in all sorts of shapes and colors. Some may be very blunt, sharp and a little bit rough on the edges. Some can be exuberant, dull or even sometimes completely washed out.  Feelings and hearts, they walk side by side. In Arabic, the heart and changes (or loosely translated as upside down) originates from the same root word.

As much as we all hate it, we have to admit that feelings do fade. From bright magenta to coarse gray, from sparkles and fireworks to mundane rains. Although it's not quite impossible to spice up them again, but it's going to take a hell of your own efforts and willpower to break the threshold. And sometimes you have to realize if any parts of your energy are worthwhile or vice versa. It'll all come down to how much you want it or how much of it do you need.

But I guess feelings grow too don't they. In all honesty, I never truly believed that that could ever happen. At least not to me. For me if I don't think that's for me from the start, i find it hard to grasp the whole idea of it and eventually to accept it. Well for me at least I think it's one of the most difficult things to do.

However though.

The hardest things in life don't necessarily mean they're impossible. They're just simply less likely to occur.

As hard as it is to decode what other people are feeling, it's far harder to figure out your ownself.

Dompet kecilku

Walaupun seringkali dikatakan aku ini org yg bergaya (menyampah iols), ketahuilah yg aku jarang sekali keluar shopping. Mungkin definisi jarang aku itu berlainan dgn org lain yg tak pernah lgsg keluar shopping, tp yg aku tahu beli belah itu bukan benda aku. Tak pandai pun nak berbasa basi dgn tukang kedai, lebih2 lagi di sini perlu cakap Arab dgn ammu kedai. Krn itu aku lebih prefer beli online saja. Ha ha. 

Nak di jadikan cerita, satu hari aku sedar dompet yg aku pakai drpd first year dulu dah rosak dan longgar sikit. Bila aku ltk dlm beg sekolah habis atm card, iqamah, ic, lesen kereta, student id, etc terlepas dan terkeluar dr dompet. Ahh malasnya nak beli yg baru. Lebih baik aku guna duit utk makan diluar. Oh ya aku mmg suka sgt keluar makan. Ha ha.

 Tp benda tu aku biarkan melarat, malasnya nak beli yg baru. Guna je lah dulu. Nanti bila aku guna, pandai2 lah aku berhati2 jgn bagi terjatuh. 

Satu hari lepas seharian di jamiah, penatnya jgn cerita. Perut berkeroncong macam apa. Apa lg, ke ta3meya ke kita? Haha. Dari mujamma' lg aku dah berkira2 nak makan shawerma dgn Alia. Katanya dia pun lapar juga. Jd sepanjang perjalanan dr JUST - Sheikh Khalil tu asyik mengidam shawerma je. Sesampai di Sheikh Khalil, itu je dlm otak aku. Dompet dah aku keluarkan drpd dlm bas lagi, pegang erat dlm tangan. Nanti dah sampai ta3meya tak perlu sibuk2 keluarkan drpd bag. Aku pun beriya lintas jalan bersama Alia dan terus memesan wajibah yg kami mahu. Muahhaha tak sabar nya nak makan. 

Masa nak pesan dkt ammu tu, tiba2 ada seorang pakcik ni panggil "ya sobaya". Aku yg eager sgt nak makan tak pedulikan pun pacik tu, tak senonoh sungguh. Alia yg pergi kat pakcik tu dan panggil aku "eh huchek ni kau punya ke?". Kata pakcik tu td, kad2 tu terjatuh dan bersepah atas jalan tar. Dia kutipkan satu satu. 

*gulp*

Tak henti2 ucap terima kasih kat pakcik baik hati tu, yg rupanya dlm perjalanan nak solat Asar di Masjid Faiha'. Matilah aku kalau kad2 ni hilang. Kena gi balai polis lagi, nak cancel kan kredit kad lagi, kena buat hawiyah baru lagi. Alhamdulilah.........

Faith in humanity restored.

Words.

I've always had people coming up to me and asking how to improve their language. I, in all honesty, don't know. I guess it's because I had it so easily that I take it for granted. Or maybe I'm just a firm believer in "if you're born with it, you're good at it" and vice versa. It's not that I don't think that efforts don't pay, but efforts are hard work. Hard work is not as easy as it sounds. And sometimes we tend to fall out in the middle of the way.

I'm not here to brag about my speaking/writing skills. But yesterday me and a friend of mine hosted a simple gameshow for the Malaysian Week in my uni. I stood up in front of the massive lecture hall after Biostats, grabbed a mic and cracked some stupid jokes on the Arabs, explained the rules of the game. People were laughing at our tiny jokes, it felt wonderful. Nonetheless I can't help to keep on repeating some stuffs I said (or didn't say) in my mind, afterwards. I know I've always been given opportunities to talk in front of crowds, I debated and I was a public speaker. Yes I did all that in school. But still I can't seem to help feeling tongue-tied in lost of words every time I'm on the stage. Those were some few awkward moments, all right.

So thing is, it's not that I don't have the vocabs or whatever. I do. I know what I wanted to say but I just get lost in constructing my sentences. And probably I haven't gotten over my stage fright.

I recalled one of those times in an impromptu round, i was given approx 5 minutes to give a speech on "Knowledge is Power". Man the topic was so easy, i knew what i wanted to say and even jot it down on a piece of paper. But when I go on stage everything just go poof. So newsflash : I lost to some Mersing girl thanks to me stumbling over words.

You know when people expect you to be good, you really wanna do it good. And I really want to be good in this because this is one of the things that i love. I just need to learn how to arrange my words in my head before i blurt them out otherwise it's just gonna turn out as a total blabber.

Ok enough ranting. Have a good day. 

Dance.

Here's something i've always wanted to do since i was a kid. I went to an all girls convent primary school, growing up with friends who went to ballet lessons. While i on the other hands hv always questioned why was i sent to Quran class instead. I was being ridiculous of course, pls excuse my 8-year-old self. Besides learning music, I've always wanted to............... dance.

Later in my childhood i ventured into equestrian sports and had a serious relationship with that. It was supposed to be a family thing at first but everyone else wasn't as intrigued as i was. One by one their interests weaned and i was the last man standing. Because i was so focused on equestrian, i didn't really get involved with activities at school. So that explains why up until now i don't really play the mainstream sports (i.e. netball, volleyball, handball) (hockey was an exception, but i played a reserve so that doesnt count.) Neither did i had any time left for extra-curricular activities like dancing, or being in the girls scout, go to the art class, etc. Eventually when i had a year off from equestrian due to my injury, I went back on. But i wasn't heading towards the serious line anymore. And..... i experienced extreme withdrawal syndrome. Because i figured i didn't have anything left of me, God knows it meant the world to me at that time. I even considered going to the sports school and solemnly doing this as my career.

But, that didn't happened obviously. Thanks to my busted left elbow.

That's me on the right during a National Pony Club Camp. I was 10 years young.

On the left is a recent photo of my 3 y-o nephew, Ali.

So anyway, i didn't get to dance.

And that ends there. Until few years back when i was so caught up with So You Think You Can Dance. I would imagine throwing myself in the air and my partner will catch me mid-air and swoosh me back to my feet. Lol. So i was just being silly. But i really like contemporary dance. Sometimes i would try to mimic their performances in front of my sisters; but only to find out that i looked so idiotic with those horrendous made up routines ha ha. I find that every choreography has its own beautiful translation of emotions (it was shown all over my dance routines!), that's just what i love most about dances.

And this is one of the most beautiful dancing scenes, from my favourite Yasmin Ahmad movie, Mukhsin. Orked here was dancing with her mom in the rain while the father was playing music with his friends under the patio. The scene portrayed intimacy and the tight-bonded relationship Orked had with her mom (actually played by her real life sister). That kind of fun and dynamic relationship we don't always see typical Malay(sians) parents have with their kids. I've always wondered if i can do this with my kids in the future. Hmm.

Also, I've always been a great fan of Daphne Iking, been following her blog since she was single and now she's married for the second time with two adorable daughters. Earlier today i saw her video posted on Instagram of her dancing with her kids. This kind of things i see online, just melts my heart away and i almost cried because it was so beautiful padahal it was an only 16 seconds video. Lol. Idk why but things like these hv my faith in humanity restored all over again. We need to hv more fun and get involved with the kids! Toss away those tablets now. Yeah haha. No seriously.........

Please watch the videos they're too cute :
http://instagram.com/p/jJTst1nK3y/
http://instagram.com/p/jE448ynK_H/

The 20-year-old me finally had a go in dancing, was in the massive dance team representing the Faculty of Dentistry for iFES (one of helwi's programs fret not there were no syababs watching). It was only like an aerobic style dancing with simple steps, nothing overwhelming. I was positioned last in the line of course bcos i was the tallest..... or maybe bcos i had no actual (natural) talent in dancing ha ha.

But.................. guess what

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We won first place ! :') 

That's me talking on the phone with my landlord who just had to talk to me there and then

Indifference

How life works will always be mindboggling. Do you realise how small the world is actually? Infact its getting smaller and smaller each day. Run all you want, as fast you could, wherever you might go. The truth will always find its way to people who has rights over it.

"That's the thing with pain. It demands to be felt." - The Fault in Our Stars

On my way back from exams

Lawa jugak uni aku ni lol

Comfort zones.

Some might question why am I even blogging still. It's 2014. Blogs are obsolete. Well, that's the sole reason why. Have I not deleted my MySpace account I would probably go back to that rather than spending time on Facebook (pls laugh ha ha). To be honest I have never liked places with lots of people, I would prefer a quiet serene place and a maybe a little tiny space all by myself. I never liked things if everyone is doing them. I'm usually the one going against the flow. I feel suffocated with people looking and staring. Well, I just probably happen to be in their view, it's not that I get checked out all the time. It's just one of those feelings I can never comprehend. Last time I checked those were the signs of an introvert. But I don't reckon myself so much as an introvert. I enjoy company. And I'm not that repulsive... or I actually might be a little?

Anyway.

It's the second week of 2014 and I'm in the midst of finals for this semester. I have another six daunting papers to sit for before winter break commences. Besides bouncing back to Blogger as you might have notice(or not), there's not much that I have done in these past two weeks. And that is not a great start of a new year, is it. Most of the time I'll be in front of the computer either scrolling through my social medias, watching movies and study for my exams. To top that off, I sleep like a baby nowadays because the weather is really cold and I would rather sleep than do anything at all. Even if I'm hungry I'll refrain myself from going out of the duvet to get something to eat. So there was one point in my life this semester where I weigh somewhere near 49kg. I'm not even kidding. Standing at 5'7" i looked super lanky and awkward. But who cares really. I gained weight now, I definitely look better except that now I look like zombies thanks to my absurd sleeping patterns. I have dark circles under my eyes I can now call myself Batman.

Hard to admit but I am actually one of those people who still do New Year's resolutions. As cliche as it is, I find timely targets are motivating. One of my major 2014 resolution is to be more matured with feelings, decisions, words and things like that. Basically to think more like an adult. Age doesn't measure maturity, or so I was told. Yeah tell that to a little kid, he'd be bragging around that he's matured despite his age. Tell that to a woman my age, man I'd think twice to agree with the statement.  I would rather people tell me I'm matured because I'm old. Haha. I still think like a kid, selfish at times and I get very dependent. And I am always hesitating to get out of my comfort zones. There's a huge difference between being youthful and being immature. One of the way to define maturity is when someone sacrifices his immediate worldly pleasures for the benefits of his future. Take a breather and let that sink in to you.

Well I don't know if living in Jordan made me dwindle down and fall into those categories. But I used to think that I was very independent and had a strong character. Sadly turns out I was wrong. At times living over here can be very challenging for women. We tend to get scared and timid all the time. We start to depend on others to make us feel safe and shits. I'm not saying that women over here can't stand up for herself but living in a community like this presents you more challenges that you have to overcome and Imma tell you it ain't easy.

Im actually having a paper tomorrow and I hate that subject. So I'm blogging instead (told you I talk like a kid). I can't wait for this semester to be over, i've always hated winter semesters anyway. This is me penning off. Till then I'll continue to be that kind of person who sacrifice immediate,short lived pleasures for the sake of benefits in the long run.  

Brostho

4.11am
3rd floor Imarah Al Ghaith
Mujamma As Sheikh Khalil

Pulled an all nighter. Im feeling so drunk now haha. Done watching 27GB of prosthodobtics lab procedure videos while having to endure excrutiating stomach cramps and backaches. Pls know that we go through this every month. So dont belittle our strength. K.

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Time for bed.

Prove.

Sometimes all we want is to prove ourselves. I want to study hard, to prove that I too can score in my exams. To prove that I'm not that stupid. I want to learn cooking or baking, to prove that I'm not that useless. That there are things that I can actually do besides lazing around. I want to tell the world I do good deeds, I upload stuffs online, to shout out that I too have a kind heart. People want to be in relationships, to prove to the world that they are not "forever alone". People take pride in holding important posts, to prove to people that they too are responsible. That they can carry their duties well. (I'm just being very figurative here, please don't associate me with neither of these lols.)

We want to do this, to prove that. We do that, to prove this. To prove to them and everyone. Yea you get the picture. But why really? To shove it to the faces who had doubts in you that they were wrong. To just prove that you're not as bad as they think you were. Why do we have to care so much again? If we're doing things for people who did not even believe in us in the first place, I don't see why we have to put that much effort for people like them. That's a very sick way to put it but........ i hope you get my point.

Well I sometimes question my intentions too. Do I really want to do things because I just simply wanna do it? Or is it because everyone else is doing it. So I have to do it as well?

So I guess everytime we pick up something new let's just question ourself
a) who are we doing it for?
b) do we really love what we're doing?
c) are you gonna gain something from it?
d) will it ever benefit other people?

That's why we are always taught to tajdid our niats. Or renewing our intentions. We can get off track really easy it's inevitable. Besides if everything that we do is for the sake of Allah, it will always turn into ibadah. And by His will, we'll gain rewards inshallah. Easier said than done. But it's never impossible.

Teach For The Needs.

Will come one of those days where you dwell on the past and ponder on the road not taken. One of the roads that I did not take and it still haunt me up till this moment was my decision to not pursue Language. Instead I took up medical science (read: Dental Surgery) which is also my cup of tea but yeah no one's gonna deny that it's one hell of an undergrad course. Please don't argue with me and just agree. I'm not whining though. 

Took me almost 3 years to make peace with myself (lol), to accept that I chose to be in this line. And 2014 gave me the chance I've always wanted --- to have the best of both worlds, if not more than that. I grabbed that and I am still learning. It's a long way to go. May this be my best harvest in the long run. InshaAllah.

The best part of all is when they started calling me "Miss Husna". 

*smiles*

Volunteer under this NGO 

http://teachfortheneeds.org/

For updates on TFTN Syria--Jordan Project

TFTN for Syria