Biology

Pernah tak terasa nak buat something tapi takut ianya tak cool di pandang orang? Pernah nak cakap something tapi takut orang tak impress dengan apa yang bakal keluar dari mulut? Pernah tak rasa nak lawan orang, rasa nak bangun dan bagi penampar sebutir *okay not literally* , tapi macam rasa bila buat macam tu nanti orang kate "pehal minah ni?"

Pernah tak nak tulis apa yang terasa nak tulis, tapi bila nak tekan kekunci komputer terasa

"Err nanti dia baca apa pulak dia cakap",
"Alahai nanti nampak sangat aku ni tak cool"/
Mahupun,
"Alamak apa pulak pandangan pembaca nanti?"

Aku rasa diri ini semakin fake dan makin tidak honest menulis di ruang maya. Kenape ya? Nak kata traffic banyak, tak banyak langsung. Dan memang aku sengaja taknak bagi banyak pun. Dulu-dulu rasa ramai followers tu bapak la hebat. Tapi aku tak kesah pun. Sebab tu aku tak pernah nak promote. Erm tipu. Pernah la jugak menepek link blog dekat laman web Facebook terkemuka tapi aku dah remove. Terasa vain la pulak mempromote penulisan sendiri yang memang tak matang langsung dan entah apa apa. Tapi memang pun, aku pun tak tulis untuk orang baca.

Eh tapi persoalan kat sini kenapa ek makin tak tulus di ruangan maya sendiri?

Bila aku tau orang baca aku jadi segan. Segan gila nak tulis nanti itu baca. Nanti ini baca. Si fulan bin si fulan baca. Mana aku nak letak muka?

I used to use this blog as a medium for me to channel my thoughts, opinions and views. I used to use this blog as a journal cum diary, for myself to read through when I forget how much they mean to me in the future. I used to use this blog as my escape hole. When the days aren't treating me nice and the world just seemed so unfair at that moment, I loved to leak those feelings through my fingers.

I hope the feelings of excitement to write stays in me. Because if I'm not good in writing anymore, I won't be good at anything. Menulis itu best.

Dalam cubaan untuk menjadi jujur, maka disini saya coretkan bahawasanya saya amat merindui Mama, Abah, Abang2, Kakak2, Baby Mumu, Ali dan Mikaeel terutamanya, terus Didie dan Shin Chan, rakan-rakan baik saya, Pak Cik Aidi, Nasi Kak Wok, Ike Singge Cicoh Budu, Kereta Kembara CBD 6727, Guitar Yamaha C40 dan ..... Ah. Jadi jujur sangat pun tak boleh. BYE.

Masochist

While I was waiting for the bus after class, I can already feel the chill in the evening breeze. Does that means winter is coming? Oh God don't come just yet I'm not ready for it. And as I'm typing on my laptop, sitting beside the window, the icy midnight air gives those tickles, saying hello to my thin Asian skin. God knows how I hate cold. But when the sun sets early, and the dawn is lovelier than ever, the mornings are longer. I know that winter has its own beauty.

Just like anything else in the world.

I was trying to find the beauty in you. I excluded everything and see the good side of you. I had cut you slacks. I dreamt and fantasized about the unseen; what the future might hold. Plans that are way too imaginative. I questioned what I did. But I answered that in my mind straight away nowadays. I know you do that too.

I literally fell on my butt today, on the stairs, on the way to see the professor, in front of Chemistry class, and it hurts so much. I know it might seem unrelated, but the pain made me thought. The throb reminds me so much. Reminds me that I need a place for me to weep to. I hope the remembrance won't fade away. Even if we're not together here today. I hope things will always keep on reminding me of you.

Maybe, maybe not. Masochistic? Definitely.

Maybe, just maybe. Now you, tell me why.

Whatever

When sometimes I stutter when I speak, I blanked when I write and I paused when I read, I get so afraid that I might lose it. What if it means that I no longer have the flare. I am not like what I used to think of myself. What if that doesn't make me any better of who I am. I get so amazed and inspired by people all the time. But I know that's not enough to make me any better. It seems that all this while, they gradually disappear. Or maybe it wasn't even there in the first place. Maybe I have to dig further. Convince me all you like but I think I have lost the honesty. Maybe, just maybe. The feelings are bottled and I hate to open up. Well I must say sorry for that means I'm a complete coward. But really? Is courage all you need? I must say no. I had too much of that before. That's why unlike you, I prefer to stay cocooned to myself and not reveal too much. I have had enough and probably its time to let go. Why you ask? Go figure. And let's move on..

With or Without you

Its 5.18 in the morning and the muezzin just made his call for Fajr prayer. I love love love waking up early and getting to listen to the azan - though that is not the case most of the times.

Mornings are nice. I love waking up to cold chilly mornings. They have this unique feeling of serenity and peace in the air. It's as if the world is asleep but you're awake. Cliché much? You have to admit it's true.

On a different note, I have been planning a lot. Made plans as to how I would spend my time over here. Not that I have that much time. But anyway, plans are mere plans if we don't take action or work it out. I have this dream of wanting to learn many everything and grab as many opportunities that knock on my door. Sometimes to actually START on working out the plans is harder than to actually doing it, if you know what I mean.

I have been dealing with an Arab lady to get me and my friends inside a class taught by her. But she seems uninterested and never really returned any of my calls. I was quite (or very?) disappointed to be frank. So I was praying to God to make it easy for me and friends to start on what we are planning. And He answered, by giving us a new, better option.

Isn't patience a nice thing to have ladies and gentlemen? So what do we say now?

Alhamdulilah :)

Sleepy

A month in Irbid

And I shall stop counting.

Classes have started and despite the distance, I find it tolerable. I accept that I didn't get to live with my friends from prep college. I accept the fact that I was yet again isolated. It always has to be me, is it? But fret not, I wouldn't be put into those situations if I didn't have the strength. Yes I admit. The first feeling that came across my mind was ohcrapiamsogonnabealonerfortherestofmylife. And I admit that I did cry, fell sick and felt lonely. But Allah wouldn't let me go through what I can not go through. I found new friends. To that I thank Allah so much. Friends that will not let me go through this journey alone. Crossing my fingers, figuratively of course.

Initially I was scared of being the only one. Even though I was used to standing on my own feet. I feared the unknown of the alien world. And I was mad that I was always the ugly duckling. The black sheep. Or whatever you wanna call it. I won't lie and say I have now full blown confidence and bravery, but it did build up in my body, bit by bit as they say.

People say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

I tried to blend in and do what the "Romans" do. I did. And hopefully my effort shows. I want to be the one who people respects and honour. That people listen to and seek advices from.

Sounds impossible though. I think I have been too analytical towards myself that sometimes when it comes to the real thing, I get inappropriate signals from the neurons in the brain and I starts to freak out every now and then. Maybe too self conscious. Maybe.

Oh well.

I would never repeat the same mistake again. The mistake I did when I was younger. I will never miss golden opportunities. I wanna stand in the crowd. Or at least stands in the eyes of my loved ones and God knows, future ones.

But most importantly, I want to stand out in the eyes of the Creator.