Monday, December 30, 2013

Why.

To tell you the truth, I can never figure out how could things turn out the way they are right now. Well I guess some things in life are meant to be left unfold anyway. But I can pretty much say that it's in the human nature to search for closure. Everything that begins will always have endings. So what will happen when we are left with open-ended questions? No either or, only a thousand of other possibilities you can choose from. That's when the over-thinking comes rolling in. And then you suddenly have a totally different issue to deal with. Some may suggest to take life one step at a time. Rest assured, it ain't easy as it sounds. Especially when you don't know which foot you should stretch out, what do you place them on?

It's amusing how simple things can be so baffling at times ha ha. Well, we just have to accept the fact that we were merely standing in their way. It was nothing more than just a stone for them to step on, a pit stop. Then, you have to wave them goodbye from the solid ground as they take off to continue their voyage. Leaving the vivid memories behind, special for you to dwell on at times like these. 

The same old question still lingers though, why must this happen every. single. time.  

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Almost lover.





Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do


We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no



I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Persona.

I once read somewhere that to be inspired is to copy. To copy what you feel is good. That's how you build your inspirations. And i think to copy or imitate someone is always in our genes. Like how we used to imitate the way our parents talk or speak for example. And then as we grow up, we meet more people. We start copying our teacher, friends and colleagues. Maybe copy isn't a good word to use. Maybe, influence. Subconsciously you are basically influenced by people around you. And without realization, you actually pick and choose which traits you find suitable for your own self. Something very inherent, no?

Well, seeing how you pick your inspirations, that's exactly how you build strength within you. You get stronger and stronger as you meet more people, as you encounter more hurdles. You choose what you want to believe. You select what makes you feel better, what comforts you. As you grow older as a human being, you realize that there's pain lurking in every corner you go. You just need to be strong enough to keep going and explore each and every corner there is despite knowing you'll get hurt. Because otherwise you will never get moving. 

And I never want to be that person who stays in one place without moving an inch. I never want to be that person who finds comfort in her own space. Who hold on to her mistakes, regretting and wail over her past. I want to be that person that keeps going despite what happened. I want to be that person that never know limits, that keeps pushing herself and never break.

I want to be the person other people pick up strength from. To inspire others and just for once get rid of my vulnerabilities.







Saturday, November 23, 2013

Cukup.

Pesan Mama suatu hari, supaya kita jangan sahaja berdoa utk dimurahkan rezeki tapi juga minta supaya rezeki yg dikurniakan cukup buat kita hidup, di samping meminta berkat di dalam rezeki.

Seorang A punya gaji bulanan rm8,000 tapi cukup untuk menyara diri, isteri dan anak- anak dalam kadar yg sederhana. Ada lah sedikit lebihan buat simpanan dan keperluan kecemasan. Hidup A cukup, tidak perlu fikir bayaran hutang kecuali pinjaman pelajaran nya serta pinjaman rumah. 

Seorang B pula punya gaji bulanan rm15,000. Diberi bonus tahunan sekali setahun. Tetapi sentiasa dlm kesempitan wang. Anak-anak dan isteri diberi pakai barangan mewah. iPhone 5 sorang satu, iPad seorang dua, barang kemas setiap jari. Melebihi keperluan mereka. Akhir bulan, dihimpit beban hutang. Bayar hutang kad kredit, bayar pinjaman kereta mewah nya, bayar bil telefon tertunggak, bayar itu ini.

Dalam konteks yang di beri, mudah je equation nya. A punya gaji lebih sedikit dari B, B nampaknya lebih "murah rezeki" berbanding A di mata masyarakat. Tapi kenapa B hidupnya sentiasa gelisah? Walhal B kan "murah rezeki"? Sebab hidup B tidak pernah cukup. Cukup dengan apa yg dia ada. Ya, mungkin dia dikurniakan banyak harta tapi tidak semestinya semua tu cukup.

------

Dibesarkan dalam keluarga yg sedang-sedang, dari kecil aku selalu dilatih untuk tidak terlalu taksub dengan kebendaan. Tapi ikut kan budak kecil yang normal, mestilah ada je benda yang kau nak. Kalau nak PlayStation, Mama cakap kena dapat 5A dulu. Nak gitar, dapat 9A PMR dulu. Tapi dari dulu mmg Mama je yg melayan karenah anak-anaknya mahukan itu ini. Abah mungkin terlalu sibuk dan dia sendiri pun mmg tak minat benda-benda macam ni.  

Dulu aku ingat yg aku nak sangat handphone flip. Kawan aku ada handphone flip samsung yg pada masa tu canggih lah sangat. Aku nampak sgt miskin sbb masih pakai handphone nokia butterfly pada tahun 2008. Tapi aku tahu je kalau aku mintak memang takkan dapat lah. Jadi masa tu aku fikir kenapalah dia ni dapat phone lagi best dari aku, walhal aku dgn dia ni takde beza pon. Latar belakang keluarga kami lebih kurang je. Tapi sekarang bila ingat balik, bodoh nya lah aku utk fikir mcm tu.

Apa yg define kaya sebenarnya? Pada aku lah, kaya tu bermaksud kau bebas dari hutang. Harta yg kau ada tak define kan kekayaan kau pun. Sekarang bila dah besar, aku dah tak semakin heran dengan gajet2 yg ada. Aku dah semakin tak teruja pun dengan baju2 branded yg kau ada. Dan aku semakin tak faham dengan dunia sekarang yg terlalu mengejar material. Hm. Entahlah mungkin senang utk aku bercakap sebab aku takde pengalaman yg cukup lagi. Entah la. Yang penting sekarang aku rasa.......... cukup dgn apa yg aku ada. 

-------

Semalam sambut birthday Paan di rumah kami. Paan yg malam sebelumnya ada  mabit di rumah org lain, tidak tahu menahu pasal plan kami utk seperais kan beliau. Jadi malam nya tu kami sama sama hias ruang tamu, set up a party lah lebih kurang. The plan is to wake up early the next day and celebrate it as soon as Paan comes back from mabit. Masa tengah2 bake cake tengah2 malam tu, tiba2 ada org tanya esok pagi nak makan apa? Takkan makan kek je kot. Tiba tiba semua orang gelabah. Ha'ah la kita tak beli apa apa makanan pun. Takkan nak turun gi beli sekarang dah pukul 1 pagi. Esok pulak kedai kat sini memang tutup sebab hari Jumaat. Fikir punya fikir.. last last sekali Nais decided to make cucur kentang dan cucur bawang. Jasmine pulak buat muhsroom soup. 

Tup tup tepung tinggal sikit gila pasal Hannah dan Laila buat chocolate cake. Errr........ nak makan apa ni sebenarnya. Eventually pagi tu we used what we have left although very little and berjaya buat seperiuk mushroom soup dan sepinggan cucur. Buat seperais dan makan punya makan... tak sedar pun semua orang kenyang je. Takde pon tak cukup makanan walaupun breakfast pagi tu kami masak utk 8 orang. Sikit tapi.......... cukup :) 

Alhamdulilah :) 




Terima kasih buat kawan kawan yang tak pernah mintak lebih dari diri aku, yg sentiasa buat diri ini rasa
.
.
.
.
.
.
 cukup



Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Prayers

"When you find yourself in a position to help someone, be happy for Allah is answering that persons prayers through you."

I have Oral Patho mid term exam in 3 hours time and i should be revising (or freaking out). But i suppose that I could make up some time to write. Take 5 lah kononnya. Semalam first time aku tidur rumah Aini. We stayed up and studied together. Before I went to sleep like around 3am like that, I scrolled through my twitter timeline and found that tweet.


*senyum lebar*


Sebenarnya I have known all along that i study better with a friend. Bukan nak ckp aku tak boleh study sorang2, boleh je. It's what i have been doing during my 2nd year, hence my cukup cukup makan muadal. But i study best with a friend(s). Tapi itulah, bukan senang nak dpt kawan yg boleh ikut cara study kita. Nak dpt kawan yg sanggup nak discuss pun satu hal. Makin naik tahun makin banyak subject yg kena belajar. Makin lama lab yg kena attend. Makin banyak things to juggle, kerja persatuan lah, study lagi, masak lagi. Some of us are even already married. (Cewah baru sorang padahal). So memang rata rata students kat sini prefer studying alone.


Dah banyak kali aku cakap kat Alia psl benda ni sebenarnya. And she was fine with me going to her house and study together. Tapi entah la aku taktahu la knp aku ni nak malu sgt hahaha. Kdg2 bukan lah malu tapi ada hal dll, so sentiasa je tak jadi dtg rumah dia utk study together. Sedih gila k sebab semua salah aku waaaaaaa sory Alia.


Sabtu lepas, i woke up to a text by Aini that says "Hai Zara. Nak study together tak?"


And i was like okay that'd be a good idea. She came to my house and we studied Dental Material together. Masa tu rasa mcm ya Allah apakah bidadari yg telah kau hantarkan kepadaku ini hahahaha. Dah la random gila kan. Aku tak kisah pun result dpt brape, it's just the satisfaction when u take the exam mentally prepared. Itu yg mahal. Tenang je masuk, tawakkal je. InshaAllah kheir. Cakap mmg cam poyo tapi percayalah perasaan tu best sgt mashaAllah.


So yeah bersyukurlah wahai Wan Husna. Allah has answered your prayers. Jgn putus asa dgn rahmat Allah. Kita berjaya pun bukan sebab diri kita, tapi sebab rahmat Allah. Allah bukan nilai keputusan exam kau, tapi usaha yg kau kerahkan. Belajar lah dgn ihsan dan hati yg ikhlas. Tolong ya, nak masuk clinical tahun depan kan? I cant afford to play around with my studies anymore.


Berbalik kpd quote tadi. Kalau lah kita ni diberi peluang utk menolong orang kan. Anggaplah Allah tu jawab hajat orang melalui kita ni. Betapa mulianya kita dipilih utk menolong orang. Jgn pernah merungut kalau tiba2 ada orang mintak tolong kita. Maybe pada kita benda tu kecik je kan, tapi percayalah pada org yg kita bantu tu, nilai dia besar sangat. And pada aku, kita cuba lah untuk tak menolak kalau ada org mintak tolong. Harini kita tolong dia, lain masa Allah tolong kita inshaAllah.

Ok sekarang tinggal 2 jam setengah sahaja lagi utk paper Oral Pathology 1. Doakan aku cemerlang dgn warna berterbangan k. Terima kasih. Bye.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Piled up

I suddenly feel that urge to write again despite knowing that this can go away anytime soon. Either I was too busy to make time for writing, or the creative part of me has just been completely sucked out of this body. Well either or, I still miss writing nonetheless. I think that's what I wrote every single time I come back to writing after a duration of extreme case of writer's block.

 "I miss writing"

I really do. Maybe I find sitting down in front of the laptop and typing out sentences too time-consuming nowadays. I'd rather resort to a much simpler way to express myself, compressed to 140 characters. Yeah that is what I have become nowadays. Everything to me is just very much compressed, simplified and I now only know things on the surface. I have stopped digging into issues and I don't have that pleasure of being into something with depth anymore. It's not that I can't, not saying that I'm too busy. But.... I just choose not to. I thought I have other priorities than having to sit down and think my life through (figuratively speaking)

So anyways.

It's been a hectic semester of my third year as a dental student. One step closer towards becoming your future dentist. And i must say that it ain't easy y'all. We;re having our 12 hours/week lab sessions and we have our upcoming mid term exams next week. And i can't stop thinking about how daunting it is to be working on real patients really soon. It's intimidating enough to be doing dentures/dental tx on real human beings, the thought of having to converse in Arabic with the patients is just another thing I'm freaking out about. But I don't think it's a good idea to worry about that first since I still have a year (well less than that) to prepare for my clinical years. I really hope that I can turn out a good dentist inshaAllah.. Honestly can't help but feeling like an idiot at times. But i know that it's gonna be really worth it eventually.

Something I noticed about myself lately is that I started to really challenge my own abilities. I can get very engrossed in jobs and posts I was given to. Whenever people offer me jobs or tasks to do I rarely hesitate, I'll immediately agree to it provided that it's within my preferences. I really hope that I can learn from all these experiences I'm gaining. Cause I know for sure that opportunities like these don't come always and I need to starts learning before it's too late. Things like being a committee of a sports event, the linguistic bureau, english tutor, volunteer, secretary of some club to performing live in front of an audience with my guitar... I'm just starting to feel that I've grown up. That now I make my own decisions. What I've decided thus far are still very cope-able and I've good balance between my studies and other commitments. So i dont think its an issue.

Well to be honest, I have always underestimated myself and my abilities as a team player. Seems like there was too much self-doubt within me. So I guess these are good exposures and im starting to feel good about myself. Can never be thankful enough to be able to learn about myself better.

So yeah I guess thats just about it. I yap alot. I know.


Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Silaplah.

Haritu masa hujung minggu, lepak2 borak kosong. Pasal semua org pun future doctors dlm rumah ni, maka topik perbualan kami adalah blood grouping. Yes, blood grouping. Dan diet yg sesuai utk each blood group. Entah mcm mana tiba2 terkeluar pasal perbezaan personaliti antara blood groups. Dan drpd situ we went to talking about personalities based on bulan kelahiran. Aku pun capai iPad mini, type2, scroll2. Just for the fun of it.

"Korang, aku baca ni nanti cakap mana yg kena dgn aku ok?"

"Ok"

"Bulan April.. Dynamic and active?"

"Ye kot."

"Diplomatik dan pandai berkawan? What... tak langsung kot. I suck at making friends"

"Eh kau ok je lah once kau dah berkawan tp mungkin kau bukan starter kot.."

scrolling... scrolling...

"Terburu-buru buat keputusan? Oh. Shit."

Dlm banyak2 orang yg aku kenal dlm dunia sementara ni, org yg paling suka buat hasty decision adalah aku sendiri. Dan aku tahu benda itu amatlah merugikan. Juga melukakan. I've to learn how to decide for myself dan tanggung kerugian aku sendiri.

...........................


Aku malas lah nak ckp psl cuti raya ni sbb semua org obviously kecewa gila dgn sistem universiti yg mcm harom alaik. Sekejap nak tukar cuti, sekejap tanak. Dia tak sedar agaknya universiti dia ni ada international students. Tapi aku just nak ckp yg i just cant stand people complaining. Apa je dpt kalau kau asyik bising sana sini, update status 6 perenggan continue reading kau tp bukan nya buat pape pun. Unless kau sendiri take action, then itu lain cerita.

Ok tu je.

Friday, April 19, 2013

20

I have now came to a realization. And I wonder why. Everything I wrote in here seems to be very gloomy, dark and sad. Does that actually reflects who I am in real life? Well I hope not. Let's just put it this way. I find pouring my hearts into words very comforting. Even it means very vague writings. Maybe I like being mysterious. Or maybe I couldn't find anyone to tell my most twisted feelings to. Or...... 

Maybe it's just me.

Anyhow.

I turned 20 recently. 20. That's a big number. At least for now it is. I remember going around my school looking up to 17-year-olds. Heck. I'm now 20 and I don't I even deserved to be looked up upon. 

I don't know. I just couldn't figure things out. Some days you feel like you don't belong anywhere. You don't fit it. Heck i'm 20 and I still think I don't fit in? Some days feeling so much like a loser. Some days where I just don't care.

Probably just being too hard on myself. 

Oh just for the record, I don't need your sympathy.
Whatever. 

Friday, March 22, 2013

Me me me




Oral Histology is such a pain in the ass. 2 hours of sleep in 24 hours. Yeay way to go dental student! 

"Semua benda pun susah belajar dia. I thought teaching was hard at first. I didn't even like it in the first place" - kata cikgu ku kepada anak muridnya. 

"Alah huchek, kita kan single. Kalau malas belajar kita nak buat apa jek? Takde mende lain dah kot nak buat. " - kata housemate ku kpd rakannya yg kelihatan desperate. 

"Oral histology is a very fascinating subject. When I was in Adelaide doing my masters degree my professor asked me to dissect a rabbit's head and made 100 slides out of them. It was wonderful." - kata Dr. Ashraf Shaweesh kpd 2nd year dental students. 


Wonderful. MashaAllah susah nya nak belajar ilmu Mu ! Gigi je ponnnnnnnnnnnnnnn . 

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Suck it up

You know when u wake up in the middle of the night without any apparent reason, you tend to have all these thoughts dwelling upon each other. Well at least i had. And you would have make-believe scenes from your mind and say things you can't say in real life. It's delusional. You start to reason with your own alter ego. Shut off and push away all emotions. Just trying to get that eyes shut and go back into deep slumber.

But it might not be as easy as it sounds. When you have these whole lots of thoughts and emotions escalating, you're starting to realize that all of these are merely bullshits. That sometimes things don't go your way. And people will always be people. Yes at times, inconsiderate, impatient, irrational and not to mention idiotic too. Mind says suck it up, go hard or go home. While alter ego succumbs with let's just get the hell out of here. Heart? Well heart could only cry tears of helplessness under your warm covers.

It's frustrating really. Up to this point you might think I'm insane. Rest assured, i am not. Partially, perhaps. Well I don't know. Nonetheless I am still in a right state of mind to make decision, to know what's good and what's not for my own self. So I guess I don't require any medical attention.

In case you're wondering yes I am a drama queen. A freaking drama queen.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Count your blessings

To feel sorry is to realize your wrong-doings. To feel sorry is to lower down your ego. To feel sorry is to regret and wanting to get things better. To feel sorry is to be ashamed of your doings and immature decisions. To feel sorry for what you've said, what you've heard, what you've done and your stupid assumptions.

To actually say you're sorry is to unmask all your pride, open your heart and really mean it.
To actually admit that you're sorry, doesn't mean you downgrade or spiral down into the bottomest pit of esteem.

To admit is strong. As strong as the turbulence in mid monsoon. As strong as the wind from the hurricane. Strong and tough like the glossy steel skyscrapers, standing tall and smug over their majestic exterior.

If you're feeling sorry for whatever you've done, be thankful that Allah still allows that feeling to even creep into your heart. For all that means that your heart isn't dry, it's not hard like the rocks of the mountains. That deep in your heart, there's still dew and droplets of warm moisture. Only waiting to be nurtured and continuously watered with essence of the Quran and the touch of tarbiyyah.

With time, even rocks curve to drops of water. Don't they?



I am sorry for every hearts that I've hurt. I'm sorry for every hurtful words that I've uttered. I'm sorry for every calls I've ignored. I'm sorry for every responsibilities I've abandoned. I'm sorry for every backs that I've stabbed. For every person I've bad-mouthed. For every doors I've slammed, for every spirits I broke and for every harsh words I said. For every one I've raised my voice at. I'm sorry for the tasks I failed to complete. For every duties I failed to do. For every mission unaccomplished, for every dreams I crushed, for every promises I break.

For every friends I've taken for granted. For every loved ones I did wrong. For strangers I looked down upon. For enemies I hold grudge to. For every hopes that didn't meet your expectations. For every lies I've told, sarcasm that stings and things I forgot. For all the prejudices. For all the awkward conversations I drag people into. For neglecting my roles as a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a leader, a student, a scholar, a teacher, a citizen and a muslimah.

For every rights I've wronged. For every sins I've done. For every ibadah I performed insincerely.

I seek forgiveness from everyone and ultimately from Him.

It doesn't matter if you know that you're gonna repeat the same mistakes again and again, we're humans after all. But anyhow you need to always seek forgiveness from the Almighy for He opens the door to Tawbah at all times.

Until the sun rises from the west and the earth starts to shake. Until the Angel of Death knocks on your door. Until you breathe your last breath.

Forgive.

"Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future."

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Baik

Satu

Semester lepas.

Aku ikut housemates turut serta dalam aktiviti sukarelawan untuk membantu mangsa pelarian Syria di kem Ramtha. Di sebabkan musim sejuk yg melampau tahun ini, tambahan salji dan sub zero temperature - ada dua orang bayi meninggal dunia. Dan tak terkira syahid nya pemuda - pemuda. Sukarela untuk jadi wakil kutip daripada akhawat batch kami. MashaAllah tak terbayang betapa murah nya hati manusia manusia di sini. Kalau di Malaysia lambat lagi rasanya nak beri jumlah sebanyak itu. Mungkin juga disebabkan currency sini yang besar jumlah nya. Ye lah kalau bg 50 dinar tak terasa sangat. Kalau bagi RM200? Terasa lah jugak sedikit sebanyak. Lagi lagi masih student kan. Tapi itu bukan jadi kayu ukur. Yang penting ikhlas. Bukan tempat untuk aku mengomen.

Selepas beberapa rumah kami ketuk, dalam kesejukan musim shitaa'. Ada lah dapat beberapa. Malam tu ke Irbid Mall untuk guna duit tu dan beli apa yg patut. Kami tak malu dan ambil semua sleeping bag yang ada. Beli segala buku - buku tulis dan bola - bola untuk permainan kanak2 di sana. Makanan kami tak beli sebab dah ada org lain yg uruskan. Ada lah dalam 4 troli penuh barang2 kami sahaja. Abang2 Irbid Mall tu pun dah pelik kenapa kami borong begitu banyak. Hanya senyum dan jawab :

"Hadol li suriyyin fi mukhayyam."

Nak ckp tgh buat charity tak reti. Tapi diorang angguk2 dan faham je. Abang2 tu pun tolong tolak troli kami. Wah terharu sangat.

Naik teksi. Drebar nya boleh tahan kacak. Gelak besar dia tgk bilangan troli yg kami berempat bawak. Amboi buat apa byk2 tanya dia. Jawapan yg sama kami beri. Oh, angguk2 mengiyakan saja. Berhenti di kawasan Hijazi, rumah syabab pusat mengumpul barang2 yg nak di dermakan ke sana.

"Encik, berapa? Cukup tak?" *hulur sedinar*

"Eh tak payah lah. Kamu nak tolong orang. Saya tolong kamu. Nanti Allah tolong saya." 

"Haaa betul ke ni?" *mata berkaca-kaca*

"Betul, betul. Pergi lah. Semoga Allah memudahkan kerja kamu."


Dua

Semester lepas jugak.

Dari bab janubi ke mujamma' sheikh khalil. Naik teksi.

Sebenarnya dah malam dan tak digalakkan perempuan naik sorang2. Tapi aku jenis redah dan muka konfiden je. Kalau syabab Malizi nampak mmg mati aku. So bantai je lah naik. Borak panjang dgn pakcik yang friendly. Macam biasa guna lah skill Arab Ammi yang tak seberapa. Tapi nasib baik dia cakap lahjah urduni yang senang di fahami. Dia tanya aku belajar apa. Tanya okay ke belajar kat sini. Okay ke duduk berjauhan dgn keluarga. Aku pun jawab okay je pakcik, Allah kan ada. Sambil senyum buat muka kiut.

Dalam hati hanya Allah yang tahu, cepat lah sampai rumah cepat lah sampai.

Dah sampai rumah.

"Muallim, gedesh?"

"Ya dukturah, ruh. Go it's okay. Ala hisabi ala hisabi." 

"Wallah?"

"Yes. Go."



Tiga

"Pakcik, paip rumah saya bocor"

"Ha ye ke? Takpe nanti saya datang tengok."

Harris (penjaga) rumah datang nak baiki paip dalam toilet yang bocor. Habis basah toilet. Dalam pada tengok2 toilet tu dia banyak kali cakap, kalau saya baiki ni awak kena bayar tau.

Yelah2 pakcik kitorang tahu. Nanti bayar lah. Memang bukan salah pakcik pun. Kitorang yang buat bocor.

Sekali..... "mushkillah kabirah, mushkillah kabirah" =.="

Pakcik tu makin rosakkan paip yang dah sedia bocor. Makanya dia kena panggil kawan plumber dia. Lalu datang lah beliau dan ambik masa sejam dua untuk baiki.

"Husna !" (dengan pekat ha pedas dia)

"Na'am. Khalas ya Abu Haitham?"

"Aiwah khalas. Kullu okay. Lakin mashi haal. Kullu ala hisabi ana. Ma fi mushkillah ok. Iza biddik aiyu ishi, bitgul bi telefon okay?" 

Oh. Dia bayar kan....


Empat

Nak beli gas untuk gas rumah yang kehabisan gas memasak. Menggelepar semua orang tak leh nak masak. Biasa lah anak dara. Telefon pakcik gas suruh bawakkan dua tong. Satu lagi untuk heater gas milik sohib rumah yang tak pernah guna. Saja nak mula try guna.

Naik lah ke tingkat empat pakcik ini bersama dua buah tong. Dia pasangkan tong gas di dapur dan cek kan kalau2 ada kebocoran. "Masbut" katanya.

Bawak satu lagi tong untuk tukar heater gas. Bila dia bukak heater tu rupa2nya gas dalam heater tu penuh lagi. Alamak mati lah aku, kesian nya pakcik ni dah buat naik dua tong.

"Eh ni ada lagi ni. Berat lagi lah."
"Alamak maaf pakcik. Kitorang tak reti nak guna heater ni. Ingat kan dah habis. Takpelah pakcik kitorang bayar je lah. Pakcik amik je tong lama ni."

"Laaa tak reti guna ke? Meh pakcik pasangkan."

Semua orang facepalm apabila heater tu berfungsi molek molek ada. Lols.

Pakcik tu cakap, "Takpe saya buat turun balik, 'adi 'adi. Saya tak ambik tong yang penuh. Saya tak berniaga macam tu. Allah fouq."

-----------------------------------


Masih ada rupanya orang (especially Arabs) yang baik. Antara small litttle things yang aku takkan pernah lupa pasal Jordan. 

Monday, February 4, 2013

Krisis Identitas

Bangang jugak sebenarnya. Dah nak dekat 20 tahun tapi masih mencari - cari. Mungkin aku cuma lah seorang pemekar lambat ataupun dalam bahasa Siam nya late bloomer. Atau mungkin identiti aku memang orang yg mencari identiti? Haaa apa logik nya begitu.

Kadang2 orang cakap "Woi tak yah nak cover sgt lah. Just be yourself dude."
Entah entah perangai dia yang konon nya di-cover itulah diri dia sendiri.
My own logic. I don't care if you don't get what I mean.

Anyhow, sebenarnya dah lama dah aku nak tulis pasal ni. Semenjak baca satu blog post from a friend's blog.  Gila gigih dodol aku gali posts kau yg lama lama. kelik sini

Well that pretty much explains what I'm feeling right now. It's confusing. Where your brains says you should, but your heart isn't ready. Entah lah aku pun tak tahu mcm mana nak explain. Atau mungkin aku tahu je tapi segan nak tulis kat sini.

"Tapi ye lah sampai bila?"

Dulu aku pernah try nak betul2 berubah for the better tapi mungkin bukan sbb diri sendiri. Jadinya benda tu tak ikhlas. Jadi ended up jadi macam hmm who am I kidding. This ain't working for me. But I'm not saying that I haven't changed. I think Jordan taught me a lot and allowed me to see things from different point of views. I know I had come a long way and I shouldn't be too hard on myself. It's just that I don't think I've changed ENOUGH.

Selalu jugak kalau lepas usrah tu, terus aku cam menanam tekad untuk menyempurnakan mutaba'ah amal . Untuk betul2 jaga aurat. Pergi jamiah pun at least nak pakai lah sehari dua dalam seminggu jubah or baju kurung. Subuh nak setiap hari berjemaah. Punyalah berkobar2 lepas usrah tu, lepas dua tiga hari hampeh jek. Astaghfirullah..

Kadang2 ada jugak mentaliti peduli lah orang nak kata apa. Asal aku bahagia. Cukup lah tu. Kan? Pedulilah aku tak ikut jejak langkah orang lain. I've my own way of living. Asal aku bahagia dgn lagu2 dalam iPod aku. Asalkan aku bahagia. Asalkan aku tak commit dosa2 besar. Aku dah pakai tudung. Aku dah tak bukak aurat. Aku dah semayang cukup. Jemaah lagi dkt housemates sekalian. Okay lah kan?

"I want to write lyrics and compose songs. And sing
I wanna write novels or poems. And screenplays. Act and publish my works.
I wanna learn the piano
And the violin. The saxophone too."

Asalkan aku tak mati esok lusa.

Banyak sangat ke lagha an dalam hidup aku ni. Entah cemane nak betul2 istiqamah. Tapi aku takdelah nak extreme sangat. Just nak buat je apa yg betul2 aku pernah tekad kan dulu dulu.

Betul lah orang cakap.

Nak berubah tu senang je. Kau melangkah dari satu tempat ke satu tempat yg lain. Nak stay kat tempat yg lain tu yg susah. Ye dok.





Stesen LRT Kelana Jaya
31012013





Sunday, February 3, 2013

Memory

"Time will answer it for me."

Time needs patience. Patience needs optimism. Time is gold. And it ain't cheap.  Not everyone can have the blessing of time. And time isn't what I have.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Dull

I can't believe how boring I can be at times. Not to mention awkward too, especially in huge crowds.

Gawd how can they make it seem so easy to just blend in and talk just about anything to some complete strangers. Am I like having some social retardation? Or probably psychological disorders. Lol talk about over-diagnosing.

In need of more positive vibes and confidence.

13 days left. I just can't wait. Waiting is such an agony. 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

That cliche post.

I don't usually write about what I did when the year ends. And I stopped making resolutions cause I don't really see the point.

So here's to the last post of 2012. Perhaps will come out as the first post of 2013 because... my laptop clock is still set as Malaysian time. Yeah whatever.

2012 was an awesome year. I grew up a lot, I made mistakes, I learnt and I tried accepting failures, I overcame fears and that's just about it I guess. A lot of things happened ; some are great to remember, some are better off forgotten. Nonetheless, everything happens for many reasons and there's always a silver lining to every clouds, or so I believe.

Among the best memories that I'd loved to cherish was my first ever backpacking trip to Europe with my friends. It definitely is at the top of my favourite memories to cherish. You know that sense of belonging you feel when you're really feel comfortable around your small group of friends. I've always thought that I'll be out of place or not fit in, but you guys proved me wrong. It was fun and I hoped I could that again someday. And a big thank you to Kak Aliya Ama Nora Amir Arai Que and Faizal for making the trip one of the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my life.

I moved in a rented apartment with 4 other housemates, Hannah Paan Jasmine and Laila. I met new people, got really bonded. Had conflicts along the way. Ended up as strangers. Well that's how life works. Trying to accept that shits happen. Learnt new things, learn how to speak Arabic. I can talk now. I learn how to bake. I learn to be punctual. I cooked rendang ayam during Raya Haji. We made red velvet, I baked banana cake. We organized our own open houses. I organized a booth for my club during a carnival. I survived the cold harsh winter and the hot burning summer. I survived the judgmental eyes and be myself.

Heartbreaks mistakes and expectations.

It has been a long time ago and I'd rather not talk about it. Some say it isn't healthy for me to hold on for too long. Some say if he really want me, he'd be chasing after me already and not just ignore. Some say I should be the one giving chances. Some even say I won't even have the shot anymore. Well for me, I just don't really care anymore and I honestly have gave up. So it's just up to fate and destiny to decide cause it's just so tiring. And I know I shouldn't be saying things like this but yeah... ya know I just don't care. And I screw up a lot. Maybe because I was too stupid... no, not too stupid to use screwdrivers. But too stupid to realize what people did to me and what I'm subconsciously doing to people. I sincerely apologize if I ever messed up and played around people's feeling. It wasn't a wise thing to do, and I know where I went wrong.

Of love companionship and trust

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" or so they say. Because being 5000 miles away from home isn't the thing that you would hope for at times like this, you just feel the love more and more. Love isn't about the distance but it's about how far the love can travel. My sisters and brother are all married. Our families are all extending with new editions of in-laws and nephews but...... yeah I'm like in a whole different parallel world that can only see updates via Facebook or Skype. It sucks knowing that your nephew wouldn't recognize you cause you come home once a year. By the time I graduate they probably will have half a dozen adiks already.

Missions resolutions hopes

If I could ever hope for something do-able it would be, me being a better muslimah and changing towards better. And do well in my studies, God knows how much I don't wanna repeat my semesters. I'd do anything to graduate in time.

Well actually I tend to not expect anything nowadays because letting yourselves down with your own hopes is just the hardest thing to deal with, ever. I'm a firm believe in "Good things come when you least expect it" now. So yes. Im not expecting anything from 2013. But maybe 2013 expects something from me? Who knows.