Focus

I need so much self control right now. I'm very impulsive it's starting to worry me a little. We've been talking a lot to each other lately. I finally opened up to him about H. And he opened up to me about Y. You see this is where it seems like it's okay to talk to him again. Cause we're both are out of yet another relationship. Well, i'm halfway there lol. But it's too soon to tell anything about where will this be heading again. But he did mention that it felt good to have someone to talk to. I know i feel good and happy to know he's that one person who has never betrayed me, and he'll always be there. I'm in a very desperate need of emotional support, and that is what he gave me right now. I know I should not worry too much. But i just need to remind myself not to go overboard cause this is a relationship i dont wanna fuck up again, it's very much all or nothing. Go or no go. If i didn't want this, I shouldn't hv backtracked and find him again. Wan Husna just be careful okay. Take care of your own self first, before you jump into anything. 

But i guess i am thankful that at least he's there to comfort me, to talk me when i need it. And he had made it clear to not wanting any commitments for right now. I guess all i have to do is control myself and not be too selfish this time. He has feelings too okay. If it goes right, it goes right. If it doesn't, make sure you dont fuck up again. 

He's a good man. I hope if fate bring us together finally, one day. I would look back and think of all the mistakes and figure out my lessons in life. Husna life is not forever. Be happy for what you choose. As of now, you just need to focus on graduating. Love life can wait. Don't worry too much. 

Bad day

I'm not sure if i should write negative feelings in here. I promised myself to keep this journal very casual and happy and not dark. But idk i just feel like i should write it down somewhere. And i rly am not sure if this is even healthy. I might delete this later.

So today I was supposed to complete my rct case and do a definitive restoration. But apparently dr muen asked me to redo the obturation for my case bcos one of the canals was badly done. I admit, i actually had an instinct that i wouldnt finish today. I actually doubted dr would allow me to proceed. But idk why i didn't wanna think much about it. So i just went through with it only hoping for the best, he came at 10.30. I know i wouldnt have the time. So yeah i kinda went backwards with the case. I now have to extract all the GP inside the MB canal. That's one thing. And i hv to reobturate it again. It was very frustrating my hands were shaking. I didn't know what to do cos honestly it was so hard. I just felt like quitting in the middle to be honest. Dr muen scolded me bcos i was so serabut and he said "do i have to do all your job?". That was my last straw. I rly wanted to break down there and then but i pulled it together bcos the last thing i want is to cry in front of my patient. I apologised to the patient and he said its ok no problem. But rly tho 7 visits for a fucking rct? Sigh i ve never been this frustrated. I think i just failed miserably. I feel bad for making Alia miss all the clinics. But rly what could i possibly do?

So i cried at the end of the clinic. It was my first time crying in front of people in the clinic. I honestly was trying to hold back and not make a big deal out of it. But i guess it was fine to break down a little in front of my friends. At least they know i'm so not okay with this. It has been bothering for weeks actually. I couldn't sleep and this anxiety is just killing me each day. People should know i'm not doing okay. I don't hv to be uptight and cover up all the time right?

Problem is i rly dont know what should i do with this. Im going off to Dubai soon. I rly wanna go. Shit idk this sucks. I know shits happen. But shits happen to me all the time. Everything just seem to go down the drain. My love life, my clinical practice... I know I should look into positive sides but rn im just so depressed thinking about it. Sometimes i feel like i should just quit. Idk this is too hard 

Luck

I went to the clinic today just to take attendance. I ran upstairs to prostho lab and checked my try in for tomorrow, everythings ready and it's all good. I booked a unit at the clinic since i have to use an extra unit. Also checked. And i walked alone to balad to buy my ticket for Dubai. Which was kind of expensive bcos i had to wait this long to confirm if i need extra clinics. I rly wish i could complete my cases quicker. Ive been slacking real bad. But there's no use to regret, what done is done. All i want is to delivery my bridge and complete my definitive restoration for rct next week. And i cant wait to bid this semester goodbye.

Im kinda jealous of my friends who actlly started working way after i did but everythg went smoothly for them and they managed to finish first. Idk, it just feels like everything i do im just so suwey. Maybe i sin alot so maybe thats why i face all these difficulties. And sometimes there's a part of my life that will always be unlucky (i.e my love life) and because of that im scared. It's becoming this negative first thought that i ll think of everytime i start anything new. Well i guess i shouldnt be feeling this way.

All i need is to look forward and get things done no matter what happened. I rly need to go to dubai. I need to see mom and dad and my nephews/niece. Ya Allah pls get me through this 2 weeks smoothly... Amin 

                                 

                                     Me walking alone. Look at my big nostrils luls

Charges

I'm in the midst of midterm exams. I have 3 more papers before winter break of which I am very looking forward to. These workloads and emotional stress is just too much for me to handle. The past few weeks I've been very upset and unhappy. I hated my job, I hated myself and I just basically hate eveything that happens to be in my way. I'm on the verge of depression but I really don't wanna go there. It's a dark and dangerous place trust me. So I spent some time off reading for exams yesterday and watch motivational Youtube videos on being happy again, had some talk with Alia over McDonald's. Sarah texted me and checked up on me, which was nice. Oh and I'm talking to Kimi again, which was very confusing at first. I don't wanna lead him on anything, but I guess the facetime call was just a one time thing. Making amends, and that's just about it. I'm not gonna disrupt other people's relationships. I told Alia to slap me if ever I'm gonna do anything like that. I know I am very blessed with good hearts around me and I should care more about people who actually cares for me. And just stop getting disappointed with shits that jerks throw at my face. Cause those jerks are just not worth my time, let alone my tears.

I need to learn to be positive. But it's not easy. Coming from my true self who is very pessimist, I need to learn not to be too hard on myself and change my perspective towards life. But it's okay at least I try. I'm gonna give credits to my own self for being able to pick myself up everytime I fall. And it's okay. There are lessons I have to learn from these things I experienced. It's hurtful. But deep down inside i guess i know why it happened the way it did. I know I cant help feeling like ashamed over what happened, but im only human. We make mistakes and i just happen to err a little bit more than the others.

So I have OMFS paper tomorrow at 3 and Paedo clinic in the morning. I've read not even half of the materials. I had my period yesterday and today the pain was just unbearable I couldnt even bring myself to the table and study. I didnt even eat anything except for a glass of milk just to down 2 tablets of paracetamol. Had the heated pad over my abdomen and slept for an hour or two ive no idea i lost count. The pills took sometime to kick in, so in the mean time before i was finally able to doze off, in mind all I could think of was what a pity that I couldn't rely on anyone if i'm sick. I was in so much pain but i'm under the covers all by own not knowing who to seek comfort to. I never go to my parents and bermanja with them if I get sick cause we just don't have that kind of relationship which is pretty sad but that's okay. Well i guess it's time i depend on myself cause let's face it, no one's gonna care if i don't.

Now that I'm awake, and the pain's gone (all hail paracetamol) I've eaten a bowl of porridge Nais generously made for us. I feel so much better now. So i've to stop being a brat and start studying. Whoa man no one gave me a head's up on how life sucks this much as an adult. Life is tough. But i'm pushing through. I just wanna be genuinely happy again. Inshallah

Y'all dunno how much this girl rocks

                                

Dig

I stopped writing because I was sad every time I write. It's a place I go to vomit out all my suppressed, unspoken inner thoughts. So you know, at least I could create something beautiful out of the ugly. I only knew how to make my musings sounded dark, morbid and extremely depressing. Probably that was what I was those days. But I dug out of that hole for quite some time and tried hard to be genuinely happy and grateful of the things I have and had.

Life is fine, as of right now. It's filled with various characters I never thought life would introduce. I still get surprised sometimes, to how things dwindle down to the present. And the past is still there to serve as stories I get to talk about and still are learning from. I don't bury my history, it is what makes me who i am today. And as of for the future, my mind still wonders about it a lot. It wonders further and further everyday. But I'm trying to stop thinking about it too much. I try putting my fears aside and work on short-term plans. Cause plans don't always work out. And promises always get broken. And hope, is what kills you every time.

Well I guess that's what being an adult taught me.