Fairytales

You know how easy they made it seems in the movies? They made falling in and out of love look so simple. All you need in finding the right guy is a summer vacation, a little bit of romance and conflicts. He's filthy rich but he doesn't wanna tell you cause you might get inferior. You're ugly, he's handsome. But he sees things people don't see in you. And how it's a "happy ever after" ending.

And how the awkward weird girl, will always find her way top. That shy girl will always catch the hottie's attention in a party.

You know things like that. They only happen in movies. 

Whatever

When things get so hard and when I don't know what the hell am I studying, I tend to close my eyes and imagine myself doing something else, somewhere else. I'll stalk my friends doing arts, literature, architecture, musics. And every time I ended up heaving a deep sigh. This cruel thought starts to dwell.

How on earth did I end up taking up Dentistry? 

How on earth did I end up here of all places?

Right. I forgot. I was the one who made the decision. 

Anyhow.

I'd imagine myself taking up language or literature instead. Reading all the sonnets and poems. And writing all those short stories. Going deep into the emotions of written fictions. Drown myself in the ocean of beautifully intertwined words from Rudyard Kipling, Kahlil Gibran, Emily Bronte and the list goes on.  Ah I'll definitely love those! It has always been my passion. To read, to express and to educate. But hey hang on... I'm not really good at expressing. I can't do with due dates. I don't always have the creative juice. Oh. I figure, I'm not good at this after all.

And then I imagined myself going into musics. Bleh who am I kidding, I don't even know how to read music notes or the score sheets. I didn't even have a proper musical education. Ah I won't be good in this either. 

What else? Probably architecture ! I knew it ! I knew I should have just stuck to Engineering Drawing class instead of changing to pure science when I was in high school. I'll be a good architect. Yes, yes, that is definitely what I SHOULD be. Erm. Wait. Didn't I used to hate the orthographic projection? And I sucked at making perfect straight lines cause I have the least steady hands in class. 

Oh this can't be. I am no good in anything! 

Oh no what should I do? 

Ah-ha! Maybe I'll just get married. That'll solve the problems. Silly me. I still wake up late in the morning. I'm super lazy when it comes to cooking. I hate doing laundry. And I am so not child-friendly. Crap, this one's out of the list.

Ho ho. Does that mean.....
Ah. What a pleasant surprise. I'm not good in anything. Oh what a failure! Yeay me!

Quoting a friend,
"Can I go all hipster, drop out and go backpacking instead?"

Eat Pray Love

"If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting and set out on a truth-seeking journey, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself....then truth will not be withheld from you"

- Eat Pray Love

Open your heart and regard everything that happened as teachers. Learn. Understand. You, yourself, and everything that made you who you are today. 

Accept and forgive. 

For if you don't, nobody else would.

Appreciate.

And be grateful.

Usaha

"Allah kan nilai usaha, kenapa kita nak sedih sedih kalau outcome yang kita expect tu tak macam yang kita nak?"

"Tahu je. But I can't help but feeling frustrated. Tengok orang tu, usaha sikit je tapi dia dapat lebih. Aku usaha bagai nak rak tapi habuk tarak?"

"Hmm. Tu maknanya dia punya rezeki. Tak perlu lah kita persoalkan betul tak?"

"Betul tapi......."

"Tapi apa?"

"Tapi rasa efforts tu useless."

"Sebenarnya yang jadi ukuran tu usaha. Sebenarnya lah. Tapi manusia ni tend to look at the outcomes,  biasalah tu. Tapi cuba kau bayangkan lah kan. Bayang je, kalau tak nak bayang, imagine okay. Imagine. Aku sorak - sorak untuk Harimau Malaya kat stadiung. Lepeh itu, deme pun menang lah. Amboi gembira nya hati. Lepeh itu deme dapek ape? Takde pape pun. Sebab bukan deme yang usaha. Betoi dak?"

"Tak habeh2 dgn antalogi kau."

"Analogi lah mangkuk."

"Ok whatever. Teruskan..."

"Kalau lah enti ni yang jadi atlet bola sepak tu. Pastu menang. Lawan Singapore lak tu kan. Tak ke feeling dia umph gitu? Sebabnya it was your own effort. Kannnnnnnnnnnnnn baq hang. "

Antara contoh perbualan cliche.

-----------------------------------

To be honest I used to have this inability of accepting failure in my life. Especially when I've put efforts into something. But in the process of seeking knowledge, exploring life and whatnot, who could possibly escape failure? It will always always be there lurking in that dark corner. 

Now that I'm approaching 20, I realize that one can have very slight chance not to meet failure along their way top. It's how life works. In a way, you just gotta taste the bitterness of failure once in a while. 

But then again, there is still a fine line between being grateful and being complacent. I've been choosing to be very complacent lately.

"Alah takpelah macam ni pun okay"

"Okay lah tu macam ni. Nak camne lagi"

No, ladies and gentlemen, no. One should never be complacent of where he/she stands. We must all pick ourselves up when we fall and continue our way top. 

It took me long enough to understand the whole concept of efforts and success. It really is okay if it turns futile. As long as we do what we gotta do. What goes along with our efforts is between us and the Almighty. Keep faith in Him. He knows what we know not. All we have to do is have the willpower to just continue striving. Whatever the future holds, it's up to Him.

After all, what do we have to lose? Really, there's none. And He the Most Merciful, always always have His way of making up to you. So, smile, it's not the end of the world :)

Fyi, I'm not talking about academic results because that is so........... kiasu. Oh well what I'm saying is that I'm trying to be good as a person, as a human being. Have a warm heart that embraces the bad side of the others and a heart that won't ever judge. And most importantly is putting my efforts on being a better caliph and a better slave to Him. (read : try) InshaAllah :)

Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Mengapa kamu memperkatakan apa yang kamu tidak melakukannya! [As-Saff : 2]

Let's walk our talk inshaAllah :)

Regrets

Aku cuba untuk hidup tanpa ada penyesalan. Cewah takdelah. Mana boleh hidup takde penyesalan. Keyword dia kau kena sentiasa rasa menyesal tu sebenarnya, so that kau sedar kau dah banyak screw up. Kalau orang kat sini panggil dia "muhasabah" lah. Dan sentiasa istighfar and bertaubat on what we did wrong.

Macam sekarang ni. Selalunya time exam aku memang baca last minute. Seringkali memerlukan alat-alat bantuan stay up. Kalau kat sini kitorang minum Mr.Brown. Lepas minum kau macam katang gila lah. Macam dunia kau yg punya. Cewah takde lah. Mr. Brown tu coffee okay. However lepas minum tu konfem aku sakit perut. Sebab aku mmg tak berapa gemar coffe sangat pun. Macam lactose intolerant pun ada. Susu pun tak suka jugak. That's why time kat kopu dulu aku masa dpt susu kotak berkotak2 tu, aku tak minum pun. Bagi kawan, usually roomate aku lah. 

Ah berbalik kpd topik. 

Frank Sinatra ada cakap dalam lagu dia, favourite Abah aku btw. "Regrets I have a few, but then again. Too few to mention."

Aku pernah terbaca somewhere, sebenarnya nanti bila kita dah tua, we will mostly regret the things that we didn't do instead of apa yg kita pernah buat. Although benda tu salah. True enough walaupun aku takdelah dalam kategori tua sangat. One of the things that I regret most was tak pernah fly time MRSM dulu. Haha bila orang lain cerita kisah fly diorang, aku ternganga. Pasal kalau aku balik rumah even bukan waktu balik bermalam pun warden aku yg penyayang akan sign punya kad outing aku. Ada lah benda aku kelentong untuk convince diorang. And lagi satu member aku cerita dia fly malam2 keluar KLCC dari SBP dia tengah2 bandar tu. Keluar tengok wayang. Cool tak? Kalau aku dulu nak fly gi mana kat hujung dunia tu....krik krik krik. Oh and lagi satu dulu aku LDP. Entah cemana tah boleh pegang post tu. Aku lah orang paling whatever sekali dalam organization tu. And I felt really bad for my anak buah. Cause I didn't lead well.

So cerita dia kat sini aku nak cakap, kalau kau nak buat sesuatu benda tu kau buat lah betul2. Okay? Kalau kau pilih nak jadi baik, buat jadi betul2 baik. Kalau tak nanti kau menyesal dua benda instead of one. Nampak tak permainan dia kat situ?

Lagi satu, paling shitty lagi perasaan regrets ni adalah apabila kau buat something yang kau tahu benda tu salah and would bring more harm than good. But yet kau buat jugak. Kalau sekali takpe, ni berkali2. Contoh termudah aku bagi adalah now. Setiap kali exam aku berazam lepas ni aku nak start study dari awal. But it never happened and it's something I'll definitely regret. Then tiba exam depan, sama jugak pe'el dia. Biasalah tu kan student. Tahu je betapa shitty perasaan after tu tapi buat jugak. Tapi tu contoh termudah. Contoh2 lain sembang belakang naa.. Malu nak tulis kat sini.

Khulasoh dia, ni sebenarnya. Sebenarnya aku nak cakap di mana kita berada, apa kita buat sekarang, apa pathway hidup kita akan datang, semua ada hikmah tersendiri. Kalau tak suka dgn keadaan sekarang jangan lah menyesal dgn apa yg kau dah pilih. Tu lah orang cakap kalau nak decide tu, buatlah keputusan tu bersama Allah. Tetapkan pergantungan dekat Dia. Jadi takdelah kita rasa menyesal gila. Sebab kita sentiasa positif, even if things go wrong. 

Sebab aku rasa tak cool lah mengadu kat pakwe, pastu nanti pakwe cakap "It's okay everything's gonna be fine. You'll be okay." Jadi, nah ayat pemujuk hati favourite aku. Ayat common yg selalu orang share kat liqa' and programmes. Tapi takpe ayat ni tak pernah lapuk....

"......Boleh jadi sesuatu yang kamu benci itu amat baik untuk kamu dan boleh jadi sesuatu yang kamu sukai pula amat buruk untuk kamu. Allah Mengetahui sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahui " [2:216]

Okei gais. Doakan aku exam General Anatomy and Embryology esok. 

"Gaza, aku masih belajar mencintaimu sejujurnya" - TidakBest

Apa kena

"Weh kesiannya kita semua forever alone."

"Kan. Untunglah orang ada pakwe."

"Cane tah perasaan ada pakwe. Dah lah duk jauh. Cane tahan doh long distance relationship?"

"Entah aku pun tak tahu. Tak pernah rasa."

"Best je kot. Tapi benda salah memang best."

"Weh aku kesian kat diri sendiri sebab takde orang nak."

"Weh jangan doh. Kita patut bersyukur sebab kita tak di uji dengan benda2 camtu. Allah nak jaga kita dan save the best man for us. Jadi Dia buat kita takde perasaan pada laki laki lain sekarang ni. Faham tak?"

"Weh faham sangat weh. Alhamdulilah lah aku takde pakwe......"

Antara contoh perbualan tidak berfaedah.

Reflect

A wise someone once told me "being around positive people sends out positive vibes on yourself". Well obviously speaking, of course being in a positive environment gives out positive energy. And who wouldn't love that? Right?

Well I'm not gonna babble about how negativity creates stress, unhealthy environment yadda yadda.

It's just that I've been wandering and pondering about myself lately. Whether am I a positive person to be with? Do I offer comfort to people around me? Am I even likable. And the list goes on. Not that I'm having self esteem issues, it's just a..... reflection on how I act around people. Okay whatever.

Let me break it down to you.

Sometimes after I said something, I'd bit on my tongue and mentally slapping myself because I know I said something wrong or hurtful. And sometimes when people tries to get friendly, I'd go all hard and cold. And then I'd try imagining myself being in others' shoes. How would they feel if I were to be their place? And the regret episodes start to kick in...

Plus, I suck at meeting new people. Or at least I think so. Yeah I'm pretty sure I am.  I'll act all awkward and ask stupid questions. Once somebody came to my house, and didn't greet salaam. And whaddaya know I yelled assalamualaikum loudly. What the hell. That wasn't necessary to begin with. Talk about a good start leads to bad ending...

I don't wanna be the kind of person who keeps to herself all the time. I want to be a warm person to be with. The one who creates "positive vibes" around her friends. The one who lift them up when they're down. The one who can fit with anyone, anywhere and talk about just anything. I guess all these while I was okay with being that way. I mean come on that's how I am, why do I have to change myself? But I guess sometimes you just gotta lower down your ego and accept the fact that there are actually things about you that might not be likable. Slowly, but surely...change. Now that I live in a slightly bigger community (read: more housemates) , I have to withstand more attitudes and tolerate with each other, I learn. I learnt how to be patient. And not be too hard on people. And myself for the record.

However I believe that I'm not THAT bad when it comes to socializing. But certainly I'm not the best at it. I'm not a monster who lives alone all the time. Neither am I an angel who everyone comes looking for. I just need chances to improve myself as a human being. I need to tell myself that I am capable of loving and caring as well. Even after all that had happened (or had not). And if I don't grab these chances I guess I'm the one who's at lost.

An usrah meeting this week talked about challenges and tests Allah gives to His slaves. From an usrah member I quote "The tests Allah bring us to, it's not there for nothing. They are brought to us to teach us the values we still lack of."

Touche.

.

I'm scared I couldn't put my thoughts into words anymore.

Because it's just too hard these days.

-

Dance

What I like about this medium is the fact that I could let my fingers run free and just dance through the keyboards. No choreography. Merely spontaneous.

And that explains the randomness. And the ill-structured sentences. The awkward phrases.

Whatever.

I don't really write anymore these days. Except when my boredom is beyond..... Like now. My head is currently empty with nothing to express. So what I'm expressing are just utter crap. So don't even bother to read.

Here we go again.... Whatever.

Btw just so you know, there's a fine line between keeping a distance and you not caring at all. But that's okay. I think all of these are just a total absurd bullshits I don't need, especially right now. I'm not even fit for that position anyways. So yeah.

Whatever.

I just don't give a damn.

Not any more.

2:186

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious Most Merciful 
Salam Jumu'ah Mubarakah

"And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided."

Just a short ayaah that touches the heart deeply. He is near. Where are you going? Just turn to Him, cause He's there all the time. For you. For despicable you. And you foolishly goes astray whereas He has always been here for you.

1. "If my slaves asked you about Me, tell them I am near." Allah tells Muhammad that He is near. That if we have anything to ask, ask him. Directly. Not even through the Prophet peace be upon him. Everyone messed up in their lives. But that doesn't mean we stopped having direct relationship with Allah. Notice the word "servants". So practically everyone, can have direct one on one relation with out Creator.

2. "I will respond to the call of the the caller". Allah open the invitation the everyone. He didn't mention I will only respond to the righteous or the believers or the good ones. But what did he say? "The caller". Again, anyone and everyone are open to talk to him in the spirits of du'a. And have faith. Believe him. 

3. "And they should try to respond to me too and believe in Me". The world "believe in Me" isn't just there for no reason. The caller has made a call to Allah. He has already believe in Him. Otherwise he wouldn't make the prayer in the first place. But what is Allah trying to tell us? If you don't get what you asked for, don't shatter your faith. Believe in Me. I have better things for you. Doesn't mean I don't respond to you. So chin up.  Take that worry of your face. I have better plans for you.

Indeed, Allah have the sweetest way to console our hearts and soul. And give us hope to never give up on our lives.

After all, He is near :)

Not too quick to judge

I'm not gonna go and say "Hi it's been awhile" cause it's too cliche.

Life as I grow up, feels so superficial. It wasn't like the good old days anymore. Where everyone could be friends with everyone. And everyone can say what they want, what do what they wanna do.

But I guess that's just how life is. There will be guidelines to everything. And by "guidelines" I don't mean rules or any formation of law regulations. That, I know is to keep the harmony in the society. Merely moulds or just norms we have to abide to. Especially in the community I'm living in. And like all other communities we live in this world, we have have cultures and traditions, to go through our lives day by day. But let's say someone had to not follow those shits, some personal issues maybe, or identity conflicts, or simply total confusion. The entire community in a split second judged their decisions as "deviance".

Well personally I have no problem with being in this community. I'll keep my anonymity and goes on with my life under the blanket. But what I'm seeing now is a new form of culture wave and the population starts pointing fingers and judge and tell stories. One thing leads to another.

I think it's an annual issue.

We were underestimated as well. I don't stand up for anyone though, for the record. But I do think that we can't be too quick to judge. Who are you to judge? You're not God, are you? 

September

How the time passed away? All the trouble that we gave
And all those days we spent out by the lake
Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made
One by one they vanish just the same

Hiatus

Hi. It's been a while.

And I'm back with a lot of reasons to why not.

Cause I'm hopeless.
I complain.
I'm atypical.
I don't listen.
Neither do I talk.
Problematic.
Irrational.
I procrastinate.
I'm lazy.
I don't give a damn.
Don't filter.
I'm stiff.
Quiet.
Rigid.
Rebellious.
Just don't
love me.

I'm not as good as what you see and what you perceive.
Yes, the world revolves around me in my own world.

Tahu tak

Tahu tak macam mana rasanya?

Rasa macam nak pakai headphone. Letak volume fullblast. Bukak lagu Eminem. Pejam mata. Lari laju laju dalam gelap malam. Biar gusar kerut muka ku takde orang nampak. Taknak dengar orang kata apa. Taknak peduli apa apa. Biar aku lari lagi dan lagi. Sampai nafas aku tercungapkan udara. Sampai dada aku putus asa. Sampai aku rebah tepi jalan, jangan orang ambil tahu.

Tahu tak rasa dia macam mana?

Rasa macam nak berdiri tengah padang waktu hujan lebat. Pejam mata. Biar tangisnya aku tiada siapa yang nampak. Biar air mata turun bercurah curah tiada orang kesah, tiada orang tanya. Biar merengkol di tengah tengah padang. Biar dalam telinga aku hanya dengar bunyi kilat petir dan tangisan sendiri.

Tahu tak?

Rasa macam nak berdiri atas tebing. Dengar hempasan ombak atas batu batu keras. Dengar angin laju ganas tiup ke pulau. Biar aku teriak sekuat kuatnya tapi tak terdengarkan suara ku. Biar dengar suara bayu garang saja. Biar aku jatuh atas lutut aku atas batu itu. Biar aku seorang. Biar.

Aku penat berfikiran positif. Penat mencuba. Penat tahu penat?

Mahu keluar dari tempat ini cepat cepat.

8 days. And counting..

Ah jangan dikisahkan aku. Diam saja. Diam. Memang itu pun yang aku mahu dari dulu.

Diari Ramadhan #1

In the Name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful



My tiny humble Ramadhan resolutions :)




1st Ramadhan 1433H
Pertama kali berpuasa di perantauan. Sebenarnya masih terkejut. Sebab tak sangka semalam dah mula Ramadhan. Semua orang ingat hari Sabtu sama macam Malaysia. Tapi Alhamdulilah dah selesai satu hari. Harini masuk second day.

Hari first semangat semua orang sahur, Hannah masak sedap sedap. Semua orang tidur ramai ramai dekat bilik Jasmine sebab takut tak terbangun. Serious rasa macam dekat kampung2. Haha. Di sebabkan subuh masuk pukul 4.04 pagi, around 3.15 si Hannah pun kejut. Semua mamai mamai habis. Hoi dah anak dara pun mamai lagi bangun sahur haha. Tapi best je makan ramai2. Makan ayam kicap dengan sayur goreng.

Selesai solat Subuh berjemaah, Ma'thurat dan sedikit mengaji nafsi nafsi, semua orang tumbang balik. Tidur syok betei.

Hari first puasa personally sangat mencabar pada aku. Yelah sebab dah lah tak ready rupa rupanya dah start puasa. (Padah tak buat preparation awal awal) So I didn't do anything pun yesterday. Semua orang ada kerja, whereas I was home kononnya "study".









Watched this lecture from Quran Weekly. Actually lecture ni untuk preparation for Ramadhan. So dah terlambat sikit nak tengok. Tapi okey je. Boleh jugak ambil ibrah mana yang boleh ambil. Sebenarnya mula mula takut nak tekan play sebab video ni 18 minit. Ye lah aku pakai broadband prepaid ni je ha. Nanti banyak pulak dia makan. Tapi takpelah tekan jugak. Malas berkira. Kalau dengar2 lagu boleh je play takkan lecture satu ni pun nak berkira ye dak.

Antara intipati lecture ni :

1. Manusia ni cepat bosan. Sebab tu kena jadikan baca Quran ni satu habit. Kalau dah habit kita tiap tiap hari buat in ShaAllah bosan tu dah tak jadi persoalan.

2. Hafal Quran tu selagi mana boleh hafal

3. Get into good habits yang kita boleh lazimi before and after Ramadhan, tak semestinya during Ramadhan sahaja.

4. Mula dengan something yang managable and sustainable. Jangan terus2 laju lepas tu kiok.

5. Haa point ni aku paling suka.. Don't just pray macam "hit and run", notice the difference if we perform ibadah peacefully, not just during the time we're performing but also for the rest of the day.

6. Point ni pun best. "Ramadhan is maybe a month where you get closer to Allah. But not only that, it's a chance where you help others get closer too." :')

7. The joy of Islam - we can taste the fruits and sweetness right away. It's not something that you have to wait for :')


Indahnya agama ini. Di samping kita fokus kan pengabdian kita, jangan lupa jugak ajak yang lain lain ye. In ShaAllah lagi bertambah power! Jom jom kita berjemaah at least Subuh Maghrib Isyak pun jadi lah. Ajak yang lain bertadarus, . Bayangkan pahala yang berlipat ganda! Wahhh seronoknya!

Ok lepastu haha. (anti-klimaks sikit)

Petang petang sikit baru start memasak. Kebetulan pulak kena turn aku. Alamatnya berbuka lauk lauk simple je lah korang. So semalam berbuka makan sup ayam je. Sebenarnya before that dah Whatsapp dengan Mama. Cakap dengan Mama taktahu nak masak apa. Mama bagi resipi tumis cair ayam. Tapi tak berani nak buat sebab a) Tak kondifen b) Rasanya budak budak ni tak makan lauk Kelantan.




2nd Ramadhan 1433H

Harini lah. Tengah puasa ni. Haha.

Pagi tadi makan lauk ikan sardin dengan nasi. Yumyum. Walaupun simple tapi sedap makan panas panas. Alamak lapar pulak lols.

Petang ni diorang ajak pergi bazaar. Antara inisiatif Biro Econs PERMAI untuk berbisnes. Kita tengoklah ada apa petang ni. Sementara boleh jalan jalan tengok keadaan orang Arab sambut Ramadhan. Hihi.

And katanya Hani and Nana nak datang berbuka dengan kitorang. Yeay harini meriah.

Ok finals Intro to Dentistry hari Rabu ni. Lecture note baru baca dua perenggan. Di samping kita berpesta ibadah jangan pulak kita lupa tanggungjawab kita ye dak.

Anyway.

Harap harapnya Ramadhan tahun ni lebih baik dari Ramadhan yang sebelum sebelumnya. Moga moga diberi kekuatan. Moga moga panjang umur. In ShaAllah.









Semoga berjumpa lagi di lain episode.

P/S : Tiba tiba rasa nak menulis diari sepanjang Ramadhan ni. Supaya Mama boleh baca what am I up to hihi.
P/P/S: Rindu pulak tulis gaya kasual budak budak macam ni

Insecurities

Paris 2001

I never thought that one day I would end up being a dental student. All I knew was I wanted to do language. Or anything that is closely related to arts.

I hated science to be frank.

I started out Form 4 in the technical stream. I took up Engineering Drawing and Engineering Technology. Being the only straight A's student in class. I thought I made the right choice. I wanted to be an architect. I love drawings and analysing objects. I never thought I'd learn Biology again. Until I made up my mind to go into MRSM. A pure science school.

I was four months behind everyone. Honestly I freaked out. I thought I would never survive the subject. But what the hell, either I die or I die trying.

But I didn't die.

Of course.

Somehow with the help of my Biology teacher, I - not to boast; but kinda excelled. He was loved by the students. That GTO kinda teacher. I like him though sometimes he can be really erm.... how do I put this nicely. Bad ass? But he was different than the typical teachers, and thus I began liking the subject he taught.

And I grew fonder of the wonders of Biology.

It was weird really. Not even one of my siblings are in the medical field. Neither are my parents. Dad and brother are engineers. Both of my sisters are accountants. Mom's an expert in chemistry. Somehow I'm the different one, wanting to take Medicine.

Well, initially. That was what I wanted to do. It was between Medicine or English.

Somehow.
Now I found myself learning about teeth.
In a non-English speaking country.
Bam.


--------


I never thought I would end up being in the Middle East.

Yes like how the Malaysians perceive. Middle Easts = very pious and religious. Which is totally different from where I come from.

I mean not to say that I wasn't religious at all. I had basic Islamic teachings in me. My parents did a great job with that alhamdulilah. But I wasn't really from that kind of "background" where guys don't speak to girls and vice versa, where girls don on long hijabs and joining usrahs. Yeah you get my point.

I went to a Christian kindergarten. Where the headmistress was a nun. Yes, a true nun who doesn't get married and wears a scarf. My primary school was a Convent. Where the number of Malays and non-Malays are equal.

They taught me Islamic values I didn't get to see in this Islamic country, sadly. Somehow I think being in a non-Islamic country will make me appreciate Islam more. That wasn't the point. Oh well..

Everything about Middle East screams out the opposite for me. But I made the decision myself. And here I am today, sitting on a sofa listening to the beautiful azzan from a native Arab tongue.

And wondering why on earth am I doing here.


--------



Our lives will always have those "I never thought that I would..." moments. Things don't just easily go according to your plans. I wish it was that easy.

I know this is one of the most overused phrases but...
When you think like the whole world is against you, please please bear in mind that Allah always have better plans for you.

We can plan for so long and lose it in a blink of an eye. We can plan for everything but not a single thing worked out well. We can plan so good and yet fail so badly. Cause in life things don't just always go your way.

Unless you work it out. And make prayers to Him. If and only if He wills.

But you still have to work for it nonetheless.

Right?

Sincerely,
Me.

Masa sama

View from the balcony of my new house

Masa kalau takde, mulalah tercari-cari. Selongkar sana sini. Squeeze kan situ siti. Cuba jugak nak fit in mana mana kekosongan.

Berharap kan masa tu tunggu kita.

Tapi masa tu tak pernah pandang belakang. Kalau kita terlambat, dia tetap ke hadapan. Mana mungkin kita mampu kejar masa yang dah pintas. Mana mungkin kita minta masa undur dirinya.

Masa boleh bergerak seperti siput babi puasa tidak bersahur. Kalau kita tenung saja tangan pada jam tu bergerak. Asyik kira, asyik hitung. Memang lah.

Masa boleh bergerak seperti harimau belang berkasut roda. Kalau kita biar kan saja dia berlalu. Biar kita buat kerja lain dulu.

Yang sebenarnya aku nak cakap esok aku ada exam. Sebenarnya setiap minggu pun aku ada exam. Tapi malam ni aku malas semacam. Malas semalas-malasnya. Malas semalas orang Melayu. Ha macam tu lah.

Dan sebenarnya..

Lagi 5 hari nak masuk bulan Ramadhan. Tak sabar pun ada jugak. Orang kata kat sini seronok sambutannya. Tambahan pula rumah baru memang betul2 tepi masjid. Dari tingkap bilik tidur boleh nampak minaret Masjid Faiha'.

Ah. Tapi sebenarnya..

Aku tak sabar nak balik Malaysia.

Efforts

Orang kata, buat baik berpada pada, buat jahat jangan sekali.

Berpada-pada.

Oh. Semua benda perlulah berpada-pada rupanya. Tak payah nak over sangat. Kalau kau malas belajar, berpada-padalah. Kalau kau minat Kpop, berpada-padalah. Kalau kau suka makan, berpada-padalah. Kalau kau suka tweet, berpada-padalah.

Kalau kau nak kan sesuatu, berpada-padalah.

Jangan terlalu di kejar. Nanti makin lari. Jangan terlalu genggam harapan tu. Nanti terlepas. Jangan terlalu diulik mimpi. Nanti terjaga dek realiti.

Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku tak berpada-pada.

Over lah tu kan?

Mungkin dah tak perlu buat apa-apa. Penat lah. Pusing-pusing ke situ juga. Balik balik hal yang sama. Dah tu sampai bila.

They say your efforts pay off. I say my efforts are worthless.

---------

Ramadhan makin hampir. Efforts untuk persiapan Ramadhan belum all out lagi.

Sibuk cakap pasal efforts lain. Pirahh.

Rindu...

....saat saat dulu. Dengan kawan-kawan yang kenal saya inside out. Yang tak judge apa yang saya nak pakai apa saya nak cakap apa saya nak buat.

Manusia memang macam ni. Yang dulu dulu memang suka di kenang. Nanti dah tua sikit kenang kan yang sekarang. Begitulah seterusnya. Sebab tu lah orang cakap appreciate what you have now.

Cause who knows you'll lose them one day.

Kadang-kadang terfikir ada tak orang kat luar sana tu yang takut akan kehilangan aku? Ke kadang-kadang aku je yang terhegeh-hegeh takut kehilangan diorang.

Terhegeh-hegeh. Aku memang macam tu. Kan?

Joy and Sorrow

"Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall."

- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
--------

i have no idea how many times have I said this but sadly, I don't have that much time reading nowadays like I used to before. Long were the days of me engrossing into books, stucking my nose until 4 in the morning totally drowned in my own world.

I'm reading Kahlil Gibran now.

Those days, I could finish a book like that in just a day. But that's not the case this time around.

Sometimes I missed that feeling. Being lost in the stories of the parallel world, somewhere only mind can take you to. Only the imageries between the lines. Only the fantasies in your head. The characters only you know. How the imaginations of someone else's being interpreted and recreated in your head. That feeling of attachment..

I miss it.

I wish I have all the time in the world drowning myself in my own fantasies.

Cause it looks better that way.

Let the time decides... We'll see if my fantasies will be just mere fantasies.

Diam saja

Tengah belajar untuk tak jadi keras kepala. Tolak ansur. Jangan berkira. Dunia ni bukan kau duduk sorang sorang ye dok?

Nak mintak dengan Allah semoga hati aku lembut. Semoga berlapang dada dengan apa-apa ujian yang menimpa. Yosh!

---------

Aku paling tak suka kalau orang judge aku based on what I write on my blog. What I tweet. Or what I post up on my Facebook (if there is any more). Yelah fine those things make up a part of who I am. But here's the thing..just a PART. What you guys see, those what I chose to let you see. Not the entire me. What are on the web, are what I picked. They are not the whole me.

To know someone is to know him/her inside out. I mean, not only judging based on what I only write. People can write, people can talk. But what really matters is their heart.

If you get what I mean.

Salam 3laykom :)

Bukan Maksudku

With the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful

Kadang - kadang aku tak faham apa yang diri sendiri nak. Yang mudah, selamat, baik ada di depan mata. Tapi kenapa yang sukar, tak pasti, begitu tinggi itu yang kau mahu? Kerana manusia selalu berangan tinggi. Terkadang terlalu tinggi. Kerana kau lah paling untung,tahu? Kau. Moga ketidakpastian ku ini mengajar aku untuk bertawakkal kepada Allah. Redha dengan apa yang ditentukanNya nanti. Apa apa pun terjadi, tak apa. Aku sedar aku siapa. Mungkin aku memang sebegini insecure sejak azali. Maafkan aku, bukan maksudku.

Kadang-kadang aku lihat rakan-rakan yang sudah melangkah ke hadapan, pergi jauh dari aku, rasa cemburu itu menebal dalam hati. Masa sampai dulu sama-sama. Sama-sama zero. Sama-sama taktahu apa-apa. Tapi sekarang? MasyaAllah.. Entah apa yang aku fikirkan. Sikit-sikit takut pandangan orang. Yang sepatutnya tak perlu diendahkan. Pandangan Pencipta kau yang kat atas tu yang perlu kau kisah. Mahu berubah itu bukan perkara sukar sebenarnya. Ubah? Ubah sahaja lah. Harini kau begini. Esok kau begitu. Berubah lah tu. Tapi siapa yang pasti hari esok esok nya kau masih begitu dan tak lagi begini? Maksudku, istiqamah lah.

Aku sudah cuba bermujahadah. Mungkin aku perlu cuba lagi kuat. Mungkin aku tak cukup pergantungan pada Dia. Mungkin aku...

Ah aku bukan tulis ni untuk kau orang tahu aku ni nak jadi baik. Hanya apa yang aku rasa nak tulis, aku tulis.

Aku harap aku selalu ada kekuatan untuk terus pecut di jalan ini. Sibgah Allah itu secara total, bukan nus nus. Bukan rubu3 rubu3. Malah bukan lah seperti celupkan tangan di dalam cat yang hanya celup luaran tahu. Hak dan batil tidak boleh duduk sebumbung. Islam dan jahiliyah tidak boleh dicampur. Tahu?

Dari dulu aku asyik persoalkan soal thabat atau istiqamah ni. Sampai bila aku asyik nak persoal. Mana tindakannya.

Haih kadang-kadang aku rasa malu. Duduk di bumi Anbiya' tapi tak ambil sebanyak mana peluang yang boleh untuk mendalami Deen sendiri. Allahurabbi..

Cakap pasal pergantungan padaNya, aku sentiasa tertanya-tanya kenapa aku sampai sekarang tidak putus-putus dikurniakan nikmat. Bukan apa, aku memang bersyukur sangat sangat. Cuma ya lah.. persoalan. Lagi.

Kadang-kadang aku tahu usaha aku tidak seberapa. Aku tahu aku tak rajin macam orang lain. Aku tahu aku ni orangnya pemalas. Tapi Allah bagi jugak nikmat tu kat aku. Kadang-kadang aku jadi rasa bangga.

"Ha tengok aku tak usaha mana pun, dapat jugak"

Tapi bila aku renungkan balik. Sebenarnya nikmat tu sendiri ujian pada aku. Allah nak suruh aku tengok kalau diberinya nikmat banyak-banyak, adakah aku hilang sudah pergantungan padaNya? Ah jangan tipu lah. Korang pun pernah begitu bukan. Bila ditarik nikmat itu mulalah teresak-esak nangis atas tikar sejadah. Mulalah berazam sana, berazam sini. Bantulah aku ya Allah, bantulah aku. Bila dah dikurniakan nikmat tu terus lupa langsung apa pintaan kau. Terus dah tak duduk atas tikar sejadah. Bangganya dgn pencapaian diri. Walhal bukan dari kau sekelumit pun. Kalau Allah taknak kasi, sebesar zarah pun kau tak dapat.

Hei lah diri sendiri. Kau nak jadi sampai macam tu dulu ke baru nak mintak tolong Allah? Hei lah tak malu sungguh.

Allah..

June 28th

That was more than 20 days of complete blogging hiatus. If that even make sense.

These past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride. Not to mention a very physical demanding phase of my life in Irbid. And I thought summer sems are supposed to be a relaxing one. Yelah subjects pun 3 je plus satu lab. Boy was I wrong.

2 subjects have 3 exams per semester (first, second, finals). another 2 has 2 exams per semester (mid, finals). So by the time the first exams finished, we'll be having the mid exams. By the time the mid exams finish, we'll have second exams and yes you get the picture. Basically all we do is have exams. Yeay us.

Hmm kenapa cakap pasal exam ni?

Anyway, I am working on a new house. Hopefully with the new environment I can improve myself as well as taking my relationship with ze housemates to a better one and closer to Allah, in Sha Allah. We're almost finished with revamping our house and we'll be moving in soon. I can't wait! For the first time in my life, I have a very girly, princess-themed bedroom. Of which I'll be sharing it with Hannah :)

I'll put the pictures soon when we move in. *we have purple wall and pink furnitures!*

I have no idea what has gotten into me. This is just a casual update. Although I have so many things to pour, I can't quite get to it yet. So let's just settle with this one. Prolly gonna write more tonight.

:)

Sunset

Muhammad on his back at Dead Sea, Jordan


Sometimes all you need to do is to look at the glass as half full. Stop whining and stop caring for what others perceive. It's you're life. Take control of it. Don't give a damn about what people thinks. Walk with your head high, shoulder back and slap on a sincere smile. You're good to go.

I can't

Taff. 3rd year dental student. Palestinian


Organic Chemistry was over and done with, at 12 noon just now. And that being the toughest paper and the "killer" one, has wrapped up the spring semester with style.

A day ago, I was answering my Sociology paper, which is by the way one of the university elective subjects I took. When I was scribbling my answers and writing short essays on Karl Marx, capitalism, theology and whatnot (I just made that sounded really fancy didn't I?), a classmate raised up his paper after 10 minutes of answering. Mind you the allocated time was 2 hours.

"Sorry doctor but I have a plane to catch."

It was his last paper of the semester and people just can't wait a bit to go back home you see. The doctor refused to accept his paper stating that it's finals and his plane can wait. Then Dr. Basem asked him where was he going. He answered,

"Dubai"

Dr. Basem asked him to wait for at least another 15 minutes until he pass up his exam papers. And so he did. Minutes after that, off he went. And Dr.Basem being so cute as always wished him bon voyage.

After an hour or so people began passing up their papers.

This really smart final year nuclear engineering student from Syria rose up from her seat and passed up her papers. Dr. Basem asked,

"You're going back to Damascus?"

She chuckled. "No. I can't"

---------------

Imagine if somebody asks me,

"Are you going back to Kuala Lumpur?"

And I have no choice but to reply, "No I can't"

---------------


Like what they say, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".

I just can't wait to go back home. One more short sem and off I'm back. Even if it only means for a month and a half In ShaAllah. But I still have my country and nation to go back to, nonetheless. And with that I pray that Allah will continue granting the peace and blessings to my homeland. And I pray that people back in Malaysia will never take our land for granted.

You guys just don't know what it feels like out there. Sometimes I could just wish that people open their eyes a little wider and realise that it is THAT hard over there.

I just can't help but to succumb to tears knowing that there is not much that I could do.

Astaghfirullah al'azim
Astaghfirullah al'azim
Astaghfirullah al'azim




In the name of Allah Most Gracious, Most Merciful
O Allah, Gladden the dwellers of the grave
O Allah, Make rich every poor
O Allah, Satisfy every hungry
O Allah, Clothe every naked
O Allah, Pay every debtor's debt
O Allah, Relieve every distressed
O Allah, Return every travellers
O Allah, Free every captive
O Allah, Correct every corruption in the affairs of the muslim
O Allah, Cure every ill
O Allah, Bridge our poverty with Your wealth
O Allah, Change our evil state with Your good state
O Allah, Pay our debts and make us wealthy from poverty
Certainly you have power over all things

Tanya

1. Menunggu dan membuat orang tertunggu
2. Tertanya tanya tanpa diberi kepastian
3. Menanya tapi tiada jawaban
4. Di minta tolong tapi tidak dihargai
5. Di buat baik di balas tahi
6. Berjanji, dimungkiri
7. Berbuat baik, tidak mengenang budi

Antara sifat orang yang kadang kadang aku rasa pelik. Eh dia tak rasa ke macam yang aku rasa bila dia buat macam tu?

Entahlah, mungkin aku je yang terlebih sifat empati. Kalau nak buat sesuatu benda tu mesti pikir consequences dua tiga kali. Pikir akibat dekat orang lain. Putting others before you.

Aku takdelah nak cakap aku ni malaikat.

Cuma, ye lah tertanya tanya. Bila orang tu buat macam tu dia tak rasa apa apa ke?

Sebab kalau aku,
tentu aku dah gelepar.

Quill

Given the space, time and ability to write. I'd write almost everything. Everything that has ever came across my mind. Why? Because to me writing document how I feel and is somewhat therapeutic. I guess everyone needs some "medium" or whatever you call it to channel out our feelings right? Some enjoy painting for instance or some may even like photography, music or reading.

Because sometimes all you wanna do is just to escape for a few moments and simply waft through your own thoughts. Swim in your pool of ideas and embrace all your fantasies. To the extend that won't turn you into a lunatic of course.

If I wasn't to be a dentist; I'd like to teach English at schools in rural areas. Maybe somewhere in the heart of the Borneo rainforests or maybe on a secluded island where people go to school by boats.

I'd pick the latter because I've seen one during a trip to Perhentian.

Waking up early in the morning and listening to the shores giving ways to the ocean waves. The morning sea breeze blowing the coconut trees, diverging the sunlight that hits my bedroom wall. Subtle sea breeze brushes my face when I sit by the window, enjoying a cup of morning coffee.

The beach -- it has a strong influence on me. Growing up in the coastatl side of the Peninsular Malaysia, where weekends always means hitting the beach. That tranquility that you don't get elsewhere.

Oh wait maybe I should be a sea gypsy instead. So that I can dive without the scuba tank and talks to the fish.

I have no idea how I ended up talking about this. I guess this is what happens when you send a coastal girl to the desert.

Oh well. None of these are worth reading anyways..

Hadiah Buat Mama

Di tengah hiruk pikuk pekan kecil berdebu, ditelan dek hal hal duniawi yang bercelaru, sungguh keterlambatan ini tidak dapat dielak. Maka aku berfikir sejenak. Kalau lah kesibukan sekecil ini pun tidak mampu aku luangkan sedikit masa untuk yang tersayang, jadi apa akan berlaku bila aku sudah mula bekerja nanti? Sudah mula berkeluarga dan punyai tanggungjawab yang lebih utama. Bukan sahaja ke atas diri sendiri malah terhadap masyarakat dan negara? Lantas diri sendiri pun beristighfar dan berasa malu.

Semalam, ulangtahun Mama yang ke-51 mengikut tahun Masihi.

Seusai perbualan di telefon yang ringkas pagi semalam, Mama request satu tribute untuknya. Katanya haritu Husna tulis untuk Abah kan? Haha ketawa kecil. Mama ni comel lah :)

Maka ku curahkan di sini.

Di ruangan yang tidak seberapa ini.

------

Waktu dahulu, waktu aku masih kecil. Aku ingat semua orang ada ibu macam Mama. Semua orang punya seorang guru sebagai Mama mereka. Semua Mama baca buku untuk anak-anak mereka sebelum tidur. Semua Mama dalam dunia ni pandai masak macam Mama saya. Dan paling utama saya ingat dulu semua orang ada Mama.

Tapi tak semua orang ada Mama.

Makin saya besar, makin saya kenal dunia. Oh rupanya tak semua orang ada Mama. Maka saya rasa saya mula belajar untuk bersyukur saya ada Mama saya. Sebab kalau Mama saya takde, saya taktahu saya jadi apa sekarang. Saya taktahu saya jadi orang ke tak. Mungkin tak. Saya taktahu saya akan pernah dengar tak cerita Serigala dan Anak Kambing. Saya taktahu saya akan pernah makan tak ikan singgang cicah budu. Mungkin tak. Saya taktahu kalau kalau saya tidak akan berada di sini pun sekarang.

Bersyukur, walaupun Mama saya pun ada kekurangannya. Tapi siapa yang tak ada? Semua orang ada.

Saat ini, adalah saat paling lama saya tak jumpa Mama saya. Kira-kira dalam 8 bulan. Meskipun rindu yang teramat, tapi saya bersyukur sebab saya masih boleh dengar suara Mama saya. Boleh nampak Mama dalam screen laptop saya. Ada kawan saya dah tak boleh jumpa Mama dia. Kenapa? Sebab Mama dia tengah tunggu nak masuk syurga :)

Maka saya belajar untuk bersyukur lagi.

Dulu dulu saya selalu rasa dunia ni tak adil. Kenapa lah tak boleh buat itu, tak boleh buat ini. Kena suruh buat itu, kena suruh buat ini. Tapi. Makin saya besar, makin saya fikir. Macam mana saya nak hidup kalau takde orang yang suruh. Macam mana saya nak buat kalau tak de orang tunjukkan jalan. Jadinya. Saya malu dengan pe'el saya dahulu, buat Mama sakit hati. Saya mohon diampunkan dosa-dosa saya. Saya janji dah tak mahu take Mama for granted.

Sebab saya ada seorang saja Mama.

Sebab Mama saja yang saya ada.

Moga-moga Allah redha dengan kehidupan Mama dan Abah. Moga-moga hidup Mama dan Abah diberkati di dunia mahupun di akhirat kelak. Jangan risau Ma, kakak kan ada di sana. Mesti dia tak sabar nak jumpa Mama. Moga segala ilmu yang Mama curahkan selama 30 tahun menjadi seorang pendidik menjadi saham amalan Mama yang tak pernah putus. Moga amal ibadah Mama dan Abah, Allah terima. Moga segala urusan Mama, Allah permudahkan di dunia dan di akhirat.

Moga moga Mama dapat tengok saya ada pangkat "doktor" di depan nama saya lagi 5 tahun. Moga Mama dapat cerita dekat semua orang yang dia bangga dengan anaknya. Terima kasih Mama untuk segalanya. Sekadar ini yang mampu saya hadiahkan. Sungguh, banyak lagi yang tak termampu saya ucapkan.

Buat Mama,



"There is no one in this world
That can take your place
Oooh I'm sorry for ever taken you for granted


I will use every chance I get
To make you smile
Whenever I'm around you


Now I will to try to love you
Like you love me
Only God knows how much you mean to me"
-Maher Zain, Number One For Me

Selamat Hari Ibu
Selamat Hari Jadi
dan
Selamat Hari Guru




Mama dan Abah di Swansea,1983



Mama dan cucu pertama



Mama dan cucu kedua



Mama dan saya, Eid ul Fitr 2009



Ulangtahun saya ke-17 di asrama



Mama dan saya di depan Kaabah, Umrah 2009





Saya mahu jumpa Mama di syurga nanti. Saya sayang Mama. Saya rindu Mama.

Yours truly,
anakmu di bumi asing.

Bayang

Di malam kelam
ku cari kelibat diri
tertonggeng di setiap penjuru
di setiap dimensi
haram
bayang pun tidak ku temui.

Lalu,
ku bisik pada sang hati
kau sabarlah
kelak kita
jumpa cahaya pagi
adalah bayangmu nanti.

Mahu saja
aku gunting
dan pada jasad hanya ku lekat.
Tapi sabarlah
kita cari
mungkin belum masa lagi.

Jangan gopoh.
Jangan jadi bodoh.

Mana Tahu

"andai yang kau mintakan satu jenis
akan ku berikan kau tiga macam

kerana setiap apa yang dirancang ada ketelitiannya;

satu untuk masa lepasmu--
ada waktu dulu yang kau mimpi2 selalu

satu untuk yang sedang melintasi--
mungkin tiba saat kau melupai

satu lagi untuk masa depan yang tentu--
untung2 aku juga yang kau carikan

mana tahu, kau rindu."

dari sini

Heart Pour

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful

My passions are short-lived. Most of the time. It goes the same with the motivations I sometimes get from words of friends, or by reflecting on my own self. Sometimes it hurts that I had already this determination of a hurricane but then after awhile it subsides. Like drizzles from heavy rain. I need constant reminders to tell me that I need to be strong to maintain what I've gained. And I need to not go back to what I used to be.

But at times I just can't help it.

I'll think about the joys that this Dunya offers and will "consider" going back instead of keep on moving forward. I never asked for more. All I wanted was to not go back, even if it means I have to stay static at where I am, I don't care. I just don't want to even look back and decelerate my efforts. Cause all that few things I've worked out on will be rendered useless. And that is the last thing I want.

But feelings and hearts, those are things we can't deny. Those are things that are fragile and needless to say, they have to be handled with care. Sometimes I let myself get swooned by the fantasies and delusional wishes or whatever in between. And I felt so ashamed moments later. Ashamed towards our Rabb. It's He that we should put hopes on instead of clinging hopes onto His creations. Astaghfirullah.

I've had enough of those.

And all I want right now is to change towards the better and focus on improving myself. Who am I to think about the future because even the present is uncertain. Who am I to plan future if I am failing to execute my present. And who am I to cling on to my past when I can't even cling on to Him.

I pray that I will always remember it's Him that I need to hope on to guide my life so I won't go astray. It's Him that I should always turn to because who knows that there will be a point in my life that I can turn to no one else.

I really hope this time this will have a long term affect on me. Please ya Allah, to You I only beg.

And I thank Allah for granting me people who are always concerned and are there to remind me. Alhamdulilah.. Things are never there without no reason.


I said: "O Messenger of Allah, tell me something about Islam which I could not ask anyone about save you." He answered: "Say: 'I believe in Allah', and then stand firm and steadfast."

Delete

There's always that one point where I wanted to delete this blog and shove it away for once, but I somehow I kept on coming back to it. Clinging on and reading all my old posts. I don't know if I actually can.

Probably not.

-------

You know when sometimes you're at a low point in your life and everything just seems so uncertain that even crying doesn't resolve anything. Anything at all. I have no idea what went wrong on that day but everything seemed blurry. Maybe it was a kick in the gut. Or a slap in the face. A reminder from above that I shouldn't be anywhere near what I was feeling at that time. That anything could happen in a blink of an eye.

It wasn't anyone's fault. And I refuse to believe that it was mine either. But I guess all I need to do was to pick myself up and start from rock bottom, or so they said.

And I tried. I did try.

Then it felt good. I felt the spirits and determinations. But that is one thing that I was afraid of. That the spirits will make me forget of what I felt. That bucking up myself will delude the grief and fiery determinations. The higher I get up, the further I felt from the moral of the story.

Which made me wonder. What does it takes to keep it at that? What does it takes for me to stay motivated?

Keeping myself at the lowest point of my life? If that is the only way then I think I should.

Finals coming up in a week. Allahu yusahilna.

Mudah

Masih ada jahiliyah di dalam diri ini
Masih ada jahiliyah di dalam diri ini
Masih ada jahiliyah di dalam diri ini
Masih ada jahiliyah di dalam diri ini

Masih terlalu banyak jahiliyah di dalam diri ku.

"Melangkah itu mudah, namun mencari arah itu terkadang payah"

Bakal melakukan reformasi terhadap penulisan. Malah di site yang lain juga. Kalau tidak jumpa jangan tanya.

Sudah tiba masanya. Selamat tinggal.

Merindukanmu

Saat aku tertawa di atas semua
Saat aku menangisi kesedihanku
Aku ingin engkau selalu ada
Aku ingin engkau aku kenang

Selama aku masih bernafas
Masih sanggup berjalan
Ku kan slalu memujamu

Meski ku tak tahu lagi
Engkau ada di mana
Dengarkan aku ku merindukanmu

Saat aku mencoba merubah segalanya
Saat aku meratapi kekalahanku
Aku ingin engkau selalu ada
Aku ingin engkau aku kenang

Hey, its 0150. I woke up for Physics. And I molested the replay button to this video. Thank you so much guys for lifting up my spirits at times like these. You guys rock and I really really appreciate your time and efforts. Missing you guys like no other..

19th on 17th

"It's just a birthday"

It really was.

I recalled my 18th birthday a year ago. It was a simple dinner with a guitar, and a cousin. Despite hitting the so-called "adult" age that time, I didn't feel anything. As opposed to what I really should be feeling - old or mature. I must say that I was very sensitive with important dates and occasions. And I was honestly upset by the fact that my parents were busy entertaining business colleagues on my birthday. All I wanted to do that day was to stay in and not celebrate. Until that cousin forced me out of bed and I agreed to go dinner. And so I did.

But this time around it was different. I had exams on my birthday. The only thing that was inside my head was how asymmetric centres form chiral compounds and how their mirror images form enantiomers. My mom forgot that it was my birthday yesterday. And dad didn't even wish me at all. Because he only acknowledge my birthday according to the Hijri calendar. But I didn't mind. I didn't mind at all. Amazing how thoughts and priorities can change as time goes by. And before the day ended I got to speak with my mom on Skype. And that and only that had made my day :)

Thank you Allah for all your blessings. Thank you friends for making me feel like I'm at home. Thank you teachers. Thank you loved ones.

I can never thank you guys enough.

Yours truly,
Me.

Split Seconds

It happened so fast. We were studying when Ama received that call from Nora. I could sense something shaky in Ama's voice and immediately took my sight off the book. When she hung up and blurted out the news, I was dumbfounded. My heartbeats were racing and my hands were shaking. I couldn't picture being in your shoes, losing your loved one, thousands miles away from home. We know you were crying real hard that night. We know how badly you wanted to go back home. We were feeling useless that night because all we could do was say our prayers to Ali, you and your family.

Indeed, it was a tough night for you Kak Aliyah. It was for us too knowing how much pain you were in. It was a night none of us could ever forget.

We want you to know that we'll always be here to support you. We'll always be your family in this foreign land. I hope you and your family will stay strong over the loss of your loved one. I know Ali will be in Jannah waiting to see you guys when the time comes one day. I know with this it means that Ali's suffering ends, that he is in a much better place. And I know Ali knows how much you care for him. He is safe, in God's hands inshaAllah.

"Born a fighter, died a fighter"

Because the only certain thing about life is death.

Al Fatihah Ali Imraan bin Awang.

And verily, it is We Who give life, and Who give death: it is We Who remain inheritors (after all else passes away). [15:23]

Cherish

Serendah - rendah ukhuwah itu berlapang dada,
Setinggi - tinggi ukhuwah itu berkorban diri.

Aku pilih apa yang aku rasa betul. Setelah timbang tara dua perkara. Rasionaliti mahupun kehendak diri. Benar, sukar untuk memberi kata putus. Tapi mahu tak mahu perlu ada keputusan.

Bak kata pakcik Robert Frost, umpama jalan yang bercabang dua. Yang sentiasa di jalani orang kebiasaan mahupun yang sukar sedikit, yang punya onak duri dan cabaran. Encik Frost memilih jalan yang "less traveled by".

Aku pun mahukan itu. Mahu unique.

-----

Tadi semasa di luar Solah Betra ada budak lelaki jalanan yang kurang ajar mengganggu akhawat, lantas beliau menarik budak tersebut lalu di beri warning complete, dalam Ammi Jordan. Lari terus budak itu. MasyaAllah. Kagum dengan bahasa dan lahjah beliau.

Husna, kau jangan lupa. Perkara pokok kau mahu belajar di sini selain dari ilmu Gigi kau ialah bahasa Arab. Sudah hilang ke semangat itu? Janganlah. Bahasa Arab bahasa syurga. Bahasa Arab bahasa Quran. Mohon terus ada semangat dan keinginan untuk bertutur dengan fasih.

Aku

Kau perlu tahu aku manusia paling kuat cemburu. Tapi kau bukan siapa siapa pun bagi aku. Jadah apa aku berhak rasa macam tu?

---

Blog ini medium aku luah perasaan lah kot. Dari 2008 aku tak pernah delete apa apa dari blog aku. Aku tulis je apa aku nak tulis. Followers harem lah aku nak mengharap langsung. Ada 40 je pun aku rasa dah banyak.

Orang tulis blog ada banyak hadaf nya. Ada yang nak berkarya, ada nak kejar populariti, ada yang jadikan diari. Yang tunjuk top beli kat Pavi, skirt beli kat Debenhams, shoes vintage collection (padahal curi mak kau punya time muda muda dulu ingat aku taktahu) and uprising sekarang - ada yang jadikan platform untuk berdakwah.

Best kan ada wasilah untuk kita lunaskan hadaf masing - masing.

Tapi sampai sekarang aku masih tak tahu kenapa aku menulis? Dah lah merepek tak ada hala tuju. Sekadar nak luah perasaan semata mata? Baik aku tulis diari yang siap ada mangga tu dari menaip kat sini. Takdelah aku masih tertanya tanya lah apa sebab aku tulis. Walhal penulisan aku tak bermanfaat langsung.

Mungkin lepas ni aku patut tulis penulisan yang berfaedah. Mungkinlah.

Bagi kembang sikit otak, bercambah sikit idea. Ni tak merepek je kerja.

Dan aku harap lah nanti bila aku mati ada orang boleh deletekan blog ni, Facebook aku, Twitter aku dan Flickr aku. Cuma belum ada orang yang tahu password aku. Nantilah aku cari.

Ada siapa siapa volunteer? *senyum nampak gigi*

Gangguan

Adakala aku pejam mata untuk hilangkan. Hilangkan apa yang aku tak mahu dilihat.
Adakala aku pejam mata untuk adakan. Ada-adakan apa yang aku tiada.
Adakala aku pejam mata untuk didengari. Kata-kata yang tak mampu aku lafazkan.
Adakala aku pejam mata untuk bayangkan. Bayangan hidup aku kalau itu kalau ini.
Adakala aku pejam mata untuk melangkah. Setapak ke hadapan sebelum serang datang.

Adakala bilamana aku pejam mata, aku tak mahu buka sampai bila - bila.

Bila pandangan dikaburi
oleh jasad jasad duniawi;
Mulalah hati rasa mati,
Mulalah bangga diri.
Aku bukan bidadari
yang sempurna serba serbi;
Bukanlah tuan puteri
yang asyik dipuja puji.

Aku adalah aku
insan kerdil
manusia hina
makhluk penuh dosa

Apa salah aku dambakan;
dunia tiada gangguan?

Maaf repekan tidak masuk akal

Belajar

Datang je musim exam mesti ramai yang berpusu - pusu menelaah pelajaran seperti nak rak. Rak buku pun takde nak rak sangat. Ye lah aku pun macam tu. Study last minute lah katakan. Siapa je yang tak buat macam tu? Ada? Meh aku nak jumpa mak dia sekejap.

Ok takde kaitan.

Tapi bila orang tanya mesti jawab, "Aku tak belajar untuk exam".

Benda ni aku terbaca ada orang tweet haritu tapi aku tak ingat lah siapa. So tak boleh nak bagi credits. Sorry lah.

Tapi kan yang aku nak ulas lah, kalau lah kita ni tak belajar untuk exam, tapi kenapa time exam je kita nak belajar? Tak gitu?

Belajar itu ibadah. Ibadah ada nak buat time time dekat exam je? Takde kan? Pastu yang waktu lain tinggal? Mana ada. Khurafat tu.

Ni peringatan untuk diri sendiri juga ya. Aku pun begini. Exam ada dua paper lagi tapi paper ikhtiari. Ikhtiari punnn ilmu jugak kann? 17hb ada Individual and Society iaitu subjek Sociology seterusnya 18hb ada Natural Resources. Tapi diri sendiri pun masih tak sedar lagi.

Dan sewaktu aku pulun pulun nak habiskan buat latihan Physics untuk exam semalam, aku tiba - tiba rasa best pulak belajar. Selama ni otak aku mesti serabut kalau buat Physics, ye lah aku ni takde lah nak pandai sangat bab bab nombor ni. But yesterday was completely different.

And then I realised, aku rasa best sebab time tu aku betul betul ikhlas nak belajar, bukan terpaksa belajar masa waktu prep, bukan terpaksa belajar sebab nak show off, or whatever million more reasons you can give. But I learned because I really wanna learn.

Kalau betul betul minat apa yang kita belajar, biarlah sesusah mana pun kita tetap tak terasa terbeban.

Kalau betul betul ikhlas dengan apa yang kita kerjakan, biarlah sebanyak mana kudrat yang perlu digembleng, kita tak mudah rasa penat.

Hati kena ikhlas. Jangan asyik study sebab MARA, sebab exam, sebab taknak repeat year, sebab nak dean list. Fine itu boleh dijadikan motivasi.

But what is most important is you study because of your ownself and study because of Allah our Creator. Menuntut ilmu perubatan itu satu fardhu kifayah.

And I'm loving what I'm learning right now. I enjoy studying. And I can't be more grateful than this. Alhamdulilah.

But that doesn't mean I'm a scorer. Just saying lah.

Random

You know when little things around you tend to send signals to your brain to start searching old files from your memory archives? That will then remind you of things once/used to happened in your life?

Sometimes things around me remind me of memories that I've never even consider their significance in my life.

A lady sitting next to me in the bus has her phone tucked in between her fingers. *Insert ringtone's effect* Oh. That used to be my ringtone when there were incoming text messages back when I was in high school. And comes the gush of memories flooding my head like a rapid stream or something.

Like the sunlight reminds me of Umra in Mecca with the family. Like the sound of people reciting the Quran reminds me of my mom. How hibiscus and bicycles remind me of my childhood. How the smell of a guy's cologne reminds me of my friend.

The world you live in has a lot of ways for it to make you remember things. Unless you choose not to.

What Hurts The Most

"I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me"

Get Over It

It happens all the time.

The memories bombards itself in my head. Forcing me to scrutinize every single details that happened. Every single cells in my body tried fighting them back. Appalled, I am by myself. I never thought it would be this agonizing. Not to mention stupid as well.

When the dreams I dreamt toyed with me in my sleep, I know it was surreal. That it was mere fantasies. But I keep on rewinding the images in my head that it almost felt real. Perhaps I have gone crazy.

Or maybe.
I just can't stand the vagueness of the situation anymore.

I am lost for words.
And tears.

I just need to get over it.

Once and for all.
Even if a part of me refused to.

Hati

Kadangkala aku terhanyut jugak. Dek kealpaan diri sendiri. Kadangkala aku terlupa. Bukan apa. Aku memang choose to not remember. Kadangkala aku ingin jugak menyalahkan faktor luaran aku. Kadangkala aku nak jugak cakap ini semua susah. Aku tak mampu.

Tapi ketahuilah. Hati itu yang jadi nadi. Buat kita sedar akan yang hakiki. Pilihan itu atau ini. Baik atau buruk diri. Semua itu mula dari hati. Kalau hati pun gelap, macam mana nak terang hari?

Bila tiba masa nanti. Aku mahu hidu wangian kasturi. Di syurga firdausi.

Allah;
Kuatkanlah hati ini;
kuatlah. Aku mahu kau kuat.
Sebab kau perisai ku.

Hanya hatiku.

Baik hatiku, baiklah akalku, baiklah jasadku.

Iman aku dihati.

Hati jangan mati.

Tolong.

Problems

I tried and its ugly.

*laughing hard*

Okay stop. I'll give it a second shot.

Sometimes when you least expect it, the worst thing comes pulling on your pants. I'm hoping I'll be okay. I'm scared, really am. There's something wrong biologically, I suppose. The uncertainties shadows the truth, waiting for the right time to unveil its true self.

On a whole different note, I have been working hard. Well at least a little improvement than what I used to work for. Organic Chem can be a pain in the ass sometimes. And Physics too. But its okay nothing in life comes easy. I secretly think that I am not THAT stupid with numbers. I just need to think and use my brain a little instead of giving up halfway. Cause that's the only thing that I know best. Giving up.

But not this time.

Exams are on, next week. Praying that I'll keep this momentum going. EnshaAllah.. All I need is just to satisfy myself. And Allah.

Hoi. Tolong lah belajar untuk Allah. *peringatan keras

Back on Track

Okay.

Now people have been asking.

Not that I'm gonna pretend that I'm a celebrity and say "Oh I need my own space and privacy". No. But I just felt it was very tiring to the point of being hypocritical. In fact I wanted to keep true to my writings.

You see I don't really write that much nowadays. If time wasn't an issue, I would say that sometimes the passion fades. At times I get really scared. That I'd lose my flare. I'd lose the self-satisfaction.

I'd love not to be known. I'd love to keep low. I chose to be anonymous. I'd love to stay true to myself. Because nowadays, what I'm most afraid of is losing my identity. Losing who I am.

I have to admit I kinda miss blogging. I didn't give up on it. Its too precious. It's an asset. I'll do whatever it takes.

And I don't need you to like what I write.

Of Backpacks and Bad Asses Part 1

Day 1.
Jan 19th, Irbid.
"Where are the muraqqibs? I thought we promised to meet up at 2.30pm?"
"Can someone call them already?"
"Ah, there they are"

Indeed, they were 30 minutes late. At first glance, the three guys who were going to follow us on this trip doesn't seem interesting at all. No offence. The journey to the airport was really quiet. No one dared to start a conversation. Truth is, we never really get to know the guys before. I bet they didn't even know we existed too. Considering that one of them only happened to add us on Facebook a day before the journey started. We were complete strangers going on a backpacking trip. So yeah, it was crickets all the way.

Arriving in Queen Alia International Airport an hour later marked our real backpacking journey. Goodness gracious we were super excited to the point of euphoria. Ok that was a little bit over the top. We saw some familiar Malaysian faces at the check-in counters. Something we expected. Malaysian students in Jordan will never settle with spending a whole month of winter break over here. Come on, its a very tiny country.

While checking in, there was this one very snobbish airport lady who doesn't even know how to speak English properly but happened to act like she was a boss. Shuush. She was asking a group of Malaysians going to the UK to wait outside the check-in line and wait for other Malaysians to check-in together. I have no idea why she did that though.


Anyhow, we boarded the plane without any glitch. The EasyJet flight, bound to London Gatwick took around 5 hours. In case you're wondering, yes its a low cost budget flight. And yes, the seats can't be reclined. Not to mention free seating as well. Which made everyone to board the plane very quickly to choose their seats. Just like AirAsia used to do. I really thought only in Malaysia that people are very cheapskate and not check-in their luggage. It turns out that everyone in the world does the same. The cabin was full of hand luggages. Oh well. The flight was erm... okay honestly it was boring. Like come on 5 hours without in-flight entertainment. So one advice to future budget travellers, stock up you iPod with good musics and movies or bring things to read to kill time.



Day 2
Jan 20th, London
Touched down at Gatwick Airport around 12-ish am. Goodness gracious I imagined the airport to be something like LCCT, boy was I wrong. It was big. Though nothing can beat Heathrow, but it is still very big and very nice too. First stop, their toilets. LOL. We all went in, leaving the guys outside. I guess the guys were bored of waiting for us when we took forever brushing our teeth and do business in the toilet. They freaking left us TT.TT

We were taking our own sweet time going through the immigrations and baggage reclaims because everyone knows there was nothing to rush. HELLO 17 HOURS OF TRANSIT PLEASE? The boys saw us walking very gracefully towards the immigration and asked whether we've filled in the arrival cards. Just like a pro, we answered "Dah" and overtook them and got cleared first. Muahahaha *evil laugh*

Next we looked around the North Terminal for places to lepak and rest before we set off on a quick trip to Central London in the morning. Costa Coffee for some midnight lattes and some much-needed sleep on the benches.


"In case you're wondering, no I'm not cold"
A very friendly pakcik, wearing a short sleeve shirt on a 2 degree winter morning, was telling us stories of London before we went on EasyBus to Central London at around 7 am.


"Ya know, there was snow around two me-tuh thick on the runway last yeah. The planes couldn't land on duh runway. All flights were cancelled"
"Cheers guys. Have fun in London"

And we did.

We rode on EasyBus to Central London. Took us over an hour. The plan was to go to Oxford Street, and only that. Each of us bought London's Underground Tube day pass. Saw loads of handsome young school lads - as how Kak Alya likes to put it - riding the tube to go to school. That is now, the definition of cool. So tell me when can I ride an underground train to my university? Never in a million years. Lols.

We totally forgot that it was rush hour. London-ers are busy going on and off the train for work. Ah what the hell. Lets just do it the Jordanian way. Lets just squeeze in y'all! The train arrived and everyone squeezed in. It was packed. Imagine KTM on a Friday evening. Just as I thought everyone was already inside, Amir blurted out an "Eh Ama!"

Too late Amir, too late. =.="

The tube door closed and Ama was left behind! I could feel my heart pumping in my ears.

"Tunggu Ama kat Nottinghill lah. She knows her way. She's been here before"
"NO! Let's get off at the next stop and wait for her!"
"What? Can we even see her with this seas of people?"

And we got off at the next station not knowing what to do. Seconds later another train passed and voila! There was Ama standing at the door. HEART ATTACK #1.


Continued the journey and got off at Bond Street. We had brunch at Garfunkel's courtesy Ama's high school friend, Farida, who is doing her A Levels over there. Smoked salmon was bloody good I tell ya. All we did after that was walk along the street and went into these mind-blowing stores. Hanya mampu puji kerana takde duit KAHKAH.


Went back to the airport, got our stuffs and checked in for Vienna! Woohoo! Flight to Vienna was at 5.00pm. Duration: approx 2 hours. On the flight I sat next to a lovely lady, travelling with her French boyfriend. She was travelling to Slovak to meet her parents. And I said I was on a backpacking trip to Vienna with friends. I told her our original plan was to go to Slovakia but we detoured and changed it to Vienna instead. All she said was - "That was a smart move".

A senior from KISAS - Nora's school - fetched us at the airport and taught us how to ride the U-Bahn and S-Bahn to get around Vienna. Kak Huda was so baik and even jotted down some of the places we could go on a piece of paper.

She brought us on an OBB S-Bahn train to our hostel in Keplerplatz, pre-booked of course, by the most awesome hostel picker, Kak Alya! Hostel Meininger was super awesome! With really good rates! Highly recommended. Oh and there's a bonus to it as well. Across the street from our hostel, there was this errr how do I put this nicely... this small little place where adults go to see some adult show? If you know what I mean. Haha.

ANYWAY.

The hostel was nice. Really.




Day 3
Jan 21st, Vienna
All we did on this day was walk around the city without any, ANY idea on where to go. We were a little bit clueless at first. But when all you see was beautiful architectures, amazing landscapes, fabulous people, you just don't care. We wandered around the city, trusting our feet and instincts. Nothing is more wonderful than that. One word : carefree. Not Kotex.

Stephansplatz; the city centre

Some statues. We dont even know their names and the story behind it LOL

I think this is the Burgtheather, or whatever its called

Rathausplatz

We wandered around the city until we found this pakcik. Nora wanted to take photos with him at first because he was in this fancy outfit, but somehow this pakcik has something else to offer us *rubbing hands in glee*




This pakcik were promoting tickets to a classical performance. The girls were keen on going. Though everyone was being extra skeptical to the fact that the dress code was casual. Yes we were clueless but not clueless enough to know that every theatre performances has a dress code. One who does not obey the code is committing a major social faux pax. But the pakcik said we look good and sneakers and jeans are fine. So we bought 4 tickets. Each costs a whooping 29 euros. Show will be starting at 8 that night.

And in the evening ... *drum roll* IT SNOWED!



We walked through the snow, rode the metro, got off at Harengasse and walked to Palais Kinsky, the venue where the show was held. Suprise surprise! We were there feeling very under-dressed. Walking on a smooth red carpet with jeans and wet sneakers, thanks to the snow. But what the hell, we paid for the tickets. Yang penting confident kahkah.



On this particular night, we came up with the bad ass concept. Bad ass muslimah style. The most bad ass thing we did was .... going out at 10.30pm without muraqqibs. Eating fries at McDonalds. Paling bad ass dalam dunia. Well, that's better than sleeping without brushing your teeth. Say what? That was Kak Alya's definition of a total bad ass.

Bad ass eating fries at 10.30 at night

Day 4
Jan 22nd, Vienna
"We'd like to skate, but we know nothing about skating"
"How old are you guys?"
"19 year-olds"
"You can skate in the kids skating rink, its for free"

Like true Asians, we skate like noobs - with the Austrian kids. The skating rink was full with toddlers learning how to skate and suddenly this 7 huge Asian kids started to join them. All eyes were on us. We knew it, we did not belong over there. KAHKAH. Bought tickets for the real rinks after practising for a few minutes. AND BAM! It was so much better!





Next stop was Prater Park and Schonbrunn Palace. Praterstern was a little bit deserted, probably because we went on a weekend. But we nevertheless had fun. Throw us anywhere and we have no problems having fun.




Bumper cars. Seriously. Bumper cars. Out of all the places. In Vienna. Bumper cars. 2 euros. Yes.


Phew. That was fun.

Last place we visited in Vienna was Schonbrunn Palace. The Palace used to be the house of the emperor Franz Joseph. Who was the father of Maria Antoinette. The palace was uh-mazing.




Franz Joseph once said, "One must work until one is exhausted".

He was very fond of his wife. There were speculations though on whether or not his wife felt the same.

"Marriage is an absurd institution"

That was what she once said. Maybe she was having PMS. Never speculate on the empress ok.


I wont guarantee this "travelogue" will be continued. It depends.