It's the 10th day of fasting (or is it 11th?). It's my last Ramadhan in Jordan. Honestly tak rasa pun ruh Ramadhan tu and i'm so sad that im like this lately. I wasn't ready for Ramadhan and suddenly dah start puasa. Even spiritually pun rasa kosong gila gila. And im so scared. I do fast. I do solat but at the end of the day i know better that the reason to me feeling empty these days is because my ibadah tak sempurna. Semua buat ala kadar. Asalkan buat je. And with all the work i need to do to settle kan documents and barang2, i rly wish that i'd get my period again walaupun haritu dah tinggal puasa. Entahlah teruk sgt perangai skrg ni. I have no patience and tolerance walhal itu lah yg patut kita embrace bulan puasa ni. Made me realize that it wasn't syaitan afterall. Sigh...
We all have a few days left in Jordan. I have about a week. I'm having mixed feelings about it. I rly do wanna go back quick. Especially cos its Ramadhan, bosan makanan bukak puasa kat sini. But i will definitely miss my friends here. Nanti dah balik mesti lg akan terasa. I don't have a lot of close friends, but i do know a lot of people. These few close friends that i have, i rly appreciate them all. I knew all along that i'm very very attached to my besties. Even besties time sekolah dulu pun we're still very tight-knitted. And im always proud to say that i keep in touch with my close friends rly well.
For me, my friends mean an awful lot in my life. I tend to get very clingy to people i trust. I always need company, and being me feeling lonely is inevitable. Sucks when you are so emotionally needy. Reason why sometimes i feel that they mean a lot more to me than i am to them. But of course the thing with life - not everything is reciprocal. I once felt that it has always been me yg terhegeh hegeh nak keep in touch with my old friends whereas everyone else move on with their life. I hope i wouldn't feel this way this time around cos it's a shitty feeling. And even if i feel that way so what. It's a good thing to keep the bond going, and if they dont feel the same way than it's their loss not mine. But anything can happen. Especially now that we're older.
It's a good thing that life goes on. But there's always a downside to that. I'm not sure how to feel about changing your life after 5 years of establishing your own clique, figuring your own space and setting your routine. It's a new phase of life. I'm not sure i'm even ready for it.
But time never wait for you to get geared up.
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Here's to the beginning of yet another ending
