Tahu tak macam mana rasanya?
Rasa macam nak pakai headphone. Letak volume fullblast. Bukak lagu Eminem. Pejam mata. Lari laju laju dalam gelap malam. Biar gusar kerut muka ku takde orang nampak. Taknak dengar orang kata apa. Taknak peduli apa apa. Biar aku lari lagi dan lagi. Sampai nafas aku tercungapkan udara. Sampai dada aku putus asa. Sampai aku rebah tepi jalan, jangan orang ambil tahu.
Tahu tak rasa dia macam mana?
Rasa macam nak berdiri tengah padang waktu hujan lebat. Pejam mata. Biar tangisnya aku tiada siapa yang nampak. Biar air mata turun bercurah curah tiada orang kesah, tiada orang tanya. Biar merengkol di tengah tengah padang. Biar dalam telinga aku hanya dengar bunyi kilat petir dan tangisan sendiri.
Tahu tak?
Rasa macam nak berdiri atas tebing. Dengar hempasan ombak atas batu batu keras. Dengar angin laju ganas tiup ke pulau. Biar aku teriak sekuat kuatnya tapi tak terdengarkan suara ku. Biar dengar suara bayu garang saja. Biar aku jatuh atas lutut aku atas batu itu. Biar aku seorang. Biar.
Aku penat berfikiran positif. Penat mencuba. Penat tahu penat?
Mahu keluar dari tempat ini cepat cepat.
8 days. And counting..
Ah jangan dikisahkan aku. Diam saja. Diam. Memang itu pun yang aku mahu dari dulu.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
Diari Ramadhan #1
In the Name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful
My tiny humble Ramadhan resolutions :)
1st Ramadhan 1433H
Pertama kali berpuasa di perantauan. Sebenarnya masih terkejut. Sebab tak sangka semalam dah mula Ramadhan. Semua orang ingat hari Sabtu sama macam Malaysia. Tapi Alhamdulilah dah selesai satu hari. Harini masuk second day.
Hari first semangat semua orang sahur, Hannah masak sedap sedap. Semua orang tidur ramai ramai dekat bilik Jasmine sebab takut tak terbangun. Serious rasa macam dekat kampung2. Haha. Di sebabkan subuh masuk pukul 4.04 pagi, around 3.15 si Hannah pun kejut. Semua mamai mamai habis. Hoi dah anak dara pun mamai lagi bangun sahur haha. Tapi best je makan ramai2. Makan ayam kicap dengan sayur goreng.
Selesai solat Subuh berjemaah, Ma'thurat dan sedikit mengaji nafsi nafsi, semua orang tumbang balik. Tidur syok betei.
Hari first puasa personally sangat mencabar pada aku. Yelah sebab dah lah tak ready rupa rupanya dah start puasa. (Padah tak buat preparation awal awal) So I didn't do anything pun yesterday. Semua orang ada kerja, whereas I was home kononnya "study".
Watched this lecture from Quran Weekly. Actually lecture ni untuk preparation for Ramadhan. So dah terlambat sikit nak tengok. Tapi okey je. Boleh jugak ambil ibrah mana yang boleh ambil. Sebenarnya mula mula takut nak tekan play sebab video ni 18 minit. Ye lah aku pakai broadband prepaid ni je ha. Nanti banyak pulak dia makan. Tapi takpelah tekan jugak. Malas berkira. Kalau dengar2 lagu boleh je play takkan lecture satu ni pun nak berkira ye dak.
Antara intipati lecture ni :
1. Manusia ni cepat bosan. Sebab tu kena jadikan baca Quran ni satu habit. Kalau dah habit kita tiap tiap hari buat in ShaAllah bosan tu dah tak jadi persoalan.
2. Hafal Quran tu selagi mana boleh hafal
3. Get into good habits yang kita boleh lazimi before and after Ramadhan, tak semestinya during Ramadhan sahaja.
4. Mula dengan something yang managable and sustainable. Jangan terus2 laju lepas tu kiok.
5. Haa point ni aku paling suka.. Don't just pray macam "hit and run", notice the difference if we perform ibadah peacefully, not just during the time we're performing but also for the rest of the day.
6. Point ni pun best. "Ramadhan is maybe a month where you get closer to Allah. But not only that, it's a chance where you help others get closer too." :')
7. The joy of Islam - we can taste the fruits and sweetness right away. It's not something that you have to wait for :')
Indahnya agama ini. Di samping kita fokus kan pengabdian kita, jangan lupa jugak ajak yang lain lain ye. In ShaAllah lagi bertambah power! Jom jom kita berjemaah at least Subuh Maghrib Isyak pun jadi lah. Ajak yang lain bertadarus, . Bayangkan pahala yang berlipat ganda! Wahhh seronoknya!
Ok lepastu haha. (anti-klimaks sikit)
Petang petang sikit baru start memasak. Kebetulan pulak kena turn aku. Alamatnya berbuka lauk lauk simple je lah korang. So semalam berbuka makan sup ayam je. Sebenarnya before that dah Whatsapp dengan Mama. Cakap dengan Mama taktahu nak masak apa. Mama bagi resipi tumis cair ayam. Tapi tak berani nak buat sebab a) Tak kondifen b) Rasanya budak budak ni tak makan lauk Kelantan.
2nd Ramadhan 1433H
Harini lah. Tengah puasa ni. Haha.
Pagi tadi makan lauk ikan sardin dengan nasi. Yumyum. Walaupun simple tapi sedap makan panas panas. Alamak lapar pulak lols.
Petang ni diorang ajak pergi bazaar. Antara inisiatif Biro Econs PERMAI untuk berbisnes. Kita tengoklah ada apa petang ni. Sementara boleh jalan jalan tengok keadaan orang Arab sambut Ramadhan. Hihi.
And katanya Hani and Nana nak datang berbuka dengan kitorang. Yeay harini meriah.
Ok finals Intro to Dentistry hari Rabu ni. Lecture note baru baca dua perenggan. Di samping kita berpesta ibadah jangan pulak kita lupa tanggungjawab kita ye dak.
Anyway.
Harap harapnya Ramadhan tahun ni lebih baik dari Ramadhan yang sebelum sebelumnya. Moga moga diberi kekuatan. Moga moga panjang umur. In ShaAllah.
Semoga berjumpa lagi di lain episode.
P/S : Tiba tiba rasa nak menulis diari sepanjang Ramadhan ni. Supaya Mama boleh baca what am I up to hihi.
P/P/S: Rindu pulak tulis gaya kasual budak budak macam ni
1st Ramadhan 1433H
Pertama kali berpuasa di perantauan. Sebenarnya masih terkejut. Sebab tak sangka semalam dah mula Ramadhan. Semua orang ingat hari Sabtu sama macam Malaysia. Tapi Alhamdulilah dah selesai satu hari. Harini masuk second day.
Hari first semangat semua orang sahur, Hannah masak sedap sedap. Semua orang tidur ramai ramai dekat bilik Jasmine sebab takut tak terbangun. Serious rasa macam dekat kampung2. Haha. Di sebabkan subuh masuk pukul 4.04 pagi, around 3.15 si Hannah pun kejut. Semua mamai mamai habis. Hoi dah anak dara pun mamai lagi bangun sahur haha. Tapi best je makan ramai2. Makan ayam kicap dengan sayur goreng.
Selesai solat Subuh berjemaah, Ma'thurat dan sedikit mengaji nafsi nafsi, semua orang tumbang balik. Tidur syok betei.
Hari first puasa personally sangat mencabar pada aku. Yelah sebab dah lah tak ready rupa rupanya dah start puasa. (Padah tak buat preparation awal awal) So I didn't do anything pun yesterday. Semua orang ada kerja, whereas I was home kononnya "study".
Watched this lecture from Quran Weekly. Actually lecture ni untuk preparation for Ramadhan. So dah terlambat sikit nak tengok. Tapi okey je. Boleh jugak ambil ibrah mana yang boleh ambil. Sebenarnya mula mula takut nak tekan play sebab video ni 18 minit. Ye lah aku pakai broadband prepaid ni je ha. Nanti banyak pulak dia makan. Tapi takpelah tekan jugak. Malas berkira. Kalau dengar2 lagu boleh je play takkan lecture satu ni pun nak berkira ye dak.
Antara intipati lecture ni :
1. Manusia ni cepat bosan. Sebab tu kena jadikan baca Quran ni satu habit. Kalau dah habit kita tiap tiap hari buat in ShaAllah bosan tu dah tak jadi persoalan.
2. Hafal Quran tu selagi mana boleh hafal
3. Get into good habits yang kita boleh lazimi before and after Ramadhan, tak semestinya during Ramadhan sahaja.
4. Mula dengan something yang managable and sustainable. Jangan terus2 laju lepas tu kiok.
5. Haa point ni aku paling suka.. Don't just pray macam "hit and run", notice the difference if we perform ibadah peacefully, not just during the time we're performing but also for the rest of the day.
6. Point ni pun best. "Ramadhan is maybe a month where you get closer to Allah. But not only that, it's a chance where you help others get closer too." :')
7. The joy of Islam - we can taste the fruits and sweetness right away. It's not something that you have to wait for :')
Indahnya agama ini. Di samping kita fokus kan pengabdian kita, jangan lupa jugak ajak yang lain lain ye. In ShaAllah lagi bertambah power! Jom jom kita berjemaah at least Subuh Maghrib Isyak pun jadi lah. Ajak yang lain bertadarus, . Bayangkan pahala yang berlipat ganda! Wahhh seronoknya!
Ok lepastu haha. (anti-klimaks sikit)
Petang petang sikit baru start memasak. Kebetulan pulak kena turn aku. Alamatnya berbuka lauk lauk simple je lah korang. So semalam berbuka makan sup ayam je. Sebenarnya before that dah Whatsapp dengan Mama. Cakap dengan Mama taktahu nak masak apa. Mama bagi resipi tumis cair ayam. Tapi tak berani nak buat sebab a) Tak kondifen b) Rasanya budak budak ni tak makan lauk Kelantan.
2nd Ramadhan 1433H
Harini lah. Tengah puasa ni. Haha.
Pagi tadi makan lauk ikan sardin dengan nasi. Yumyum. Walaupun simple tapi sedap makan panas panas. Alamak lapar pulak lols.
Petang ni diorang ajak pergi bazaar. Antara inisiatif Biro Econs PERMAI untuk berbisnes. Kita tengoklah ada apa petang ni. Sementara boleh jalan jalan tengok keadaan orang Arab sambut Ramadhan. Hihi.
And katanya Hani and Nana nak datang berbuka dengan kitorang. Yeay harini meriah.
Ok finals Intro to Dentistry hari Rabu ni. Lecture note baru baca dua perenggan. Di samping kita berpesta ibadah jangan pulak kita lupa tanggungjawab kita ye dak.
Anyway.
Harap harapnya Ramadhan tahun ni lebih baik dari Ramadhan yang sebelum sebelumnya. Moga moga diberi kekuatan. Moga moga panjang umur. In ShaAllah.
Semoga berjumpa lagi di lain episode.
P/S : Tiba tiba rasa nak menulis diari sepanjang Ramadhan ni. Supaya Mama boleh baca what am I up to hihi.
P/P/S: Rindu pulak tulis gaya kasual budak budak macam ni
Monday, July 16, 2012
Insecurities
I never thought that one day I would end up being a dental student. All I knew was I wanted to do language. Or anything that is closely related to arts.
I hated science to be frank.
I started out Form 4 in the technical stream. I took up Engineering Drawing and Engineering Technology. Being the only straight A's student in class. I thought I made the right choice. I wanted to be an architect. I love drawings and analysing objects. I never thought I'd learn Biology again. Until I made up my mind to go into MRSM. A pure science school.
I was four months behind everyone. Honestly I freaked out. I thought I would never survive the subject. But what the hell, either I die or I die trying.
But I didn't die.
Of course.
Somehow with the help of my Biology teacher, I - not to boast; but kinda excelled. He was loved by the students. That GTO kinda teacher. I like him though sometimes he can be really erm.... how do I put this nicely. Bad ass? But he was different than the typical teachers, and thus I began liking the subject he taught.
And I grew fonder of the wonders of Biology.
It was weird really. Not even one of my siblings are in the medical field. Neither are my parents. Dad and brother are engineers. Both of my sisters are accountants. Mom's an expert in chemistry. Somehow I'm the different one, wanting to take Medicine.
Well, initially. That was what I wanted to do. It was between Medicine or English.
Somehow.
Now I found myself learning about teeth.
In a non-English speaking country.
Bam.
I never thought I would end up being in the Middle East.
Yes like how the Malaysians perceive. Middle Easts = very pious and religious. Which is totally different from where I come from.
I mean not to say that I wasn't religious at all. I had basic Islamic teachings in me. My parents did a great job with that alhamdulilah. But I wasn't really from that kind of "background" where guys don't speak to girls and vice versa, where girls don on long hijabs and joining usrahs. Yeah you get my point.
I went to a Christian kindergarten. Where the headmistress was a nun. Yes, a true nun who doesn't get married and wears a scarf. My primary school was a Convent. Where the number of Malays and non-Malays are equal.
They taught me Islamic values I didn't get to see in this Islamic country, sadly. Somehow I think being in a non-Islamic country will make me appreciate Islam more. That wasn't the point. Oh well..
Everything about Middle East screams out the opposite for me. But I made the decision myself. And here I am today, sitting on a sofa listening to the beautiful azzan from a native Arab tongue.
And wondering why on earth am I doing here.
Our lives will always have those "I never thought that I would..." moments. Things don't just easily go according to your plans. I wish it was that easy.
I know this is one of the most overused phrases but...
When you think like the whole world is against you, please please bear in mind that Allah always have better plans for you.
We can plan for so long and lose it in a blink of an eye. We can plan for everything but not a single thing worked out well. We can plan so good and yet fail so badly. Cause in life things don't just always go your way.
Unless you work it out. And make prayers to Him. If and only if He wills.
But you still have to work for it nonetheless.
Right?
Sincerely,
Me.
Masa sama
Masa kalau takde, mulalah tercari-cari. Selongkar sana sini. Squeeze kan situ siti. Cuba jugak nak fit in mana mana kekosongan.
Berharap kan masa tu tunggu kita.
Tapi masa tu tak pernah pandang belakang. Kalau kita terlambat, dia tetap ke hadapan. Mana mungkin kita mampu kejar masa yang dah pintas. Mana mungkin kita minta masa undur dirinya.
Masa boleh bergerak seperti siput babi puasa tidak bersahur. Kalau kita tenung saja tangan pada jam tu bergerak. Asyik kira, asyik hitung. Memang lah.
Masa boleh bergerak seperti harimau belang berkasut roda. Kalau kita biar kan saja dia berlalu. Biar kita buat kerja lain dulu.
Yang sebenarnya aku nak cakap esok aku ada exam. Sebenarnya setiap minggu pun aku ada exam. Tapi malam ni aku malas semacam. Malas semalas-malasnya. Malas semalas orang Melayu. Ha macam tu lah.
Dan sebenarnya..
Lagi 5 hari nak masuk bulan Ramadhan. Tak sabar pun ada jugak. Orang kata kat sini seronok sambutannya. Tambahan pula rumah baru memang betul2 tepi masjid. Dari tingkap bilik tidur boleh nampak minaret Masjid Faiha'.
Ah. Tapi sebenarnya..
Aku tak sabar nak balik Malaysia.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Efforts
Orang kata, buat baik berpada pada, buat jahat jangan sekali.
Berpada-pada.
Oh. Semua benda perlulah berpada-pada rupanya. Tak payah nak over sangat. Kalau kau malas belajar, berpada-padalah. Kalau kau minat Kpop, berpada-padalah. Kalau kau suka makan, berpada-padalah. Kalau kau suka tweet, berpada-padalah.
Kalau kau nak kan sesuatu, berpada-padalah.
Jangan terlalu di kejar. Nanti makin lari. Jangan terlalu genggam harapan tu. Nanti terlepas. Jangan terlalu diulik mimpi. Nanti terjaga dek realiti.
Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku tak berpada-pada.
Over lah tu kan?
Mungkin dah tak perlu buat apa-apa. Penat lah. Pusing-pusing ke situ juga. Balik balik hal yang sama. Dah tu sampai bila.
They say your efforts pay off. I say my efforts are worthless.
---------
Ramadhan makin hampir. Efforts untuk persiapan Ramadhan belum all out lagi.
Sibuk cakap pasal efforts lain. Pirahh.
Berpada-pada.
Oh. Semua benda perlulah berpada-pada rupanya. Tak payah nak over sangat. Kalau kau malas belajar, berpada-padalah. Kalau kau minat Kpop, berpada-padalah. Kalau kau suka makan, berpada-padalah. Kalau kau suka tweet, berpada-padalah.
Kalau kau nak kan sesuatu, berpada-padalah.
Jangan terlalu di kejar. Nanti makin lari. Jangan terlalu genggam harapan tu. Nanti terlepas. Jangan terlalu diulik mimpi. Nanti terjaga dek realiti.
Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku tak berpada-pada.
Over lah tu kan?
Mungkin dah tak perlu buat apa-apa. Penat lah. Pusing-pusing ke situ juga. Balik balik hal yang sama. Dah tu sampai bila.
They say your efforts pay off. I say my efforts are worthless.
Ramadhan makin hampir. Efforts untuk persiapan Ramadhan belum all out lagi.
Sibuk cakap pasal efforts lain. Pirahh.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Rindu...
....saat saat dulu. Dengan kawan-kawan yang kenal saya inside out. Yang tak judge apa yang saya nak pakai apa saya nak cakap apa saya nak buat.
Manusia memang macam ni. Yang dulu dulu memang suka di kenang. Nanti dah tua sikit kenang kan yang sekarang. Begitulah seterusnya. Sebab tu lah orang cakap appreciate what you have now.
Cause who knows you'll lose them one day.
Kadang-kadang terfikir ada tak orang kat luar sana tu yang takut akan kehilangan aku? Ke kadang-kadang aku je yang terhegeh-hegeh takut kehilangan diorang.
Terhegeh-hegeh. Aku memang macam tu. Kan?
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Joy and Sorrow
"Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall."
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
--------
i have no idea how many times have I said this but sadly, I don't have that much time reading nowadays like I used to before. Long were the days of me engrossing into books, stucking my nose until 4 in the morning totally drowned in my own world.
I'm reading Kahlil Gibran now.
Those days, I could finish a book like that in just a day. But that's not the case this time around.
Sometimes I missed that feeling. Being lost in the stories of the parallel world, somewhere only mind can take you to. Only the imageries between the lines. Only the fantasies in your head. The characters only you know. How the imaginations of someone else's being interpreted and recreated in your head. That feeling of attachment..
I miss it.
I wish I have all the time in the world drowning myself in my own fantasies.
Cause it looks better that way.
Let the time decides... We'll see if my fantasies will be just mere fantasies.
And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall."
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
i have no idea how many times have I said this but sadly, I don't have that much time reading nowadays like I used to before. Long were the days of me engrossing into books, stucking my nose until 4 in the morning totally drowned in my own world.
I'm reading Kahlil Gibran now.
Those days, I could finish a book like that in just a day. But that's not the case this time around.
Sometimes I missed that feeling. Being lost in the stories of the parallel world, somewhere only mind can take you to. Only the imageries between the lines. Only the fantasies in your head. The characters only you know. How the imaginations of someone else's being interpreted and recreated in your head. That feeling of attachment..
I miss it.
I wish I have all the time in the world drowning myself in my own fantasies.
Cause it looks better that way.
Let the time decides... We'll see if my fantasies will be just mere fantasies.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Diam saja
Tengah belajar untuk tak jadi keras kepala. Tolak ansur. Jangan berkira. Dunia ni bukan kau duduk sorang sorang ye dok?
Nak mintak dengan Allah semoga hati aku lembut. Semoga berlapang dada dengan apa-apa ujian yang menimpa. Yosh!
---------
Aku paling tak suka kalau orang judge aku based on what I write on my blog. What I tweet. Or what I post up on my Facebook (if there is any more). Yelah fine those things make up a part of who I am. But here's the thing..just a PART. What you guys see, those what I chose to let you see. Not the entire me. What are on the web, are what I picked. They are not the whole me.
To know someone is to know him/her inside out. I mean, not only judging based on what I only write. People can write, people can talk. But what really matters is their heart.
If you get what I mean.
Salam 3laykom :)
Nak mintak dengan Allah semoga hati aku lembut. Semoga berlapang dada dengan apa-apa ujian yang menimpa. Yosh!
Aku paling tak suka kalau orang judge aku based on what I write on my blog. What I tweet. Or what I post up on my Facebook (if there is any more). Yelah fine those things make up a part of who I am. But here's the thing..just a PART. What you guys see, those what I chose to let you see. Not the entire me. What are on the web, are what I picked. They are not the whole me.
To know someone is to know him/her inside out. I mean, not only judging based on what I only write. People can write, people can talk. But what really matters is their heart.
If you get what I mean.
Salam 3laykom :)
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