Soft

I've always believed there's a reason to why I have very bad luck in relationships (so far). Now that I've been single a few months, I figured out that even though I thought I was ready but i was in all for the wrong reasons. I am very ashamed of my past relationships and failures. It's a very touchy subject for me but I don't have issues opening up to people about it. Which is rather weird. Most times though I'll tell it out bcos I don't wanna be vulnerable about it. But deep inside it always hurts.

The fact that i'm taking a break from guys right now and i'm very happy about it makes me feel really good about myself. Explains why i get mad whenever people like my mom, stresses me on finding a partner quickly. Bcos it was so hard to gather all the strengths and tell myself it's okay that i failed yet again, accept the way it turned out and be happy about it. Whenever i got told by someone, i'm irritated bcos i feel as though they're jinxing up what i've been working on.

You see. There are lots of things i need to work on before getting into another relationship. I've always wanted to care for another person and I've always expected for them to care for me in return. But now I realize that I need to take care of myself first before anyone else. 

I wanna be better, for the sake of me. Not for other people. 

First thing i wanna do right now is getting closer to God. Idk but i've always been searching for that spiritual inner peace. I haven't found it yet tbh. I mean i kept on going back and forth, sometimes i feel at ease, sometimes it feels so chaotic inside. Tapi yelah iman pun mmg fitrah dia turun naik. At this particular moment now i feel so far from God. Maybe it's the schedule, maybe it's the lethargy, maybe i'm too busy with worldly matters. I hardly make time to sit and make ibadah with a full heart. Semua buat ala kadar je. I envy people who practices really good Islam and has very good faith in what they believe. Bcos i go back and forth every time, and in between i often feel empty... 

It's really easy to feel empty when you're lonely anyway. 

That's why you have to fill the emptiness with spirituality. Sure i join usrah and everything, i like usrah tbh. But it doesn't touch my heart like it touches other people. Nonetheless im still very thankful that at least i get to learn something from it. Although sometimes i lack the feel and heart. 

But i really wanna keep going and find things that softens my heart one day. Even if it means finding it alone... Inshaallah. Im counting on myself.